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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 19:41

Yeah he’s not going to give up his free housekeeper and nanny without a fight.

Not the same as love though.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 19:55

I know.
He's called tonight and he senses something wrong, I can tell. He's trying to be nicey nice.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 26/10/2018 19:56

When is he due back?

Juells · 26/10/2018 20:02

I'm worried about what will happen to the dogs :(

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 20:02

How nicey can he be when he’s not in the country?

RedLife · 26/10/2018 20:21

He's taking the piss isn't he? Glad you posted here op. Best of luck.

timeisnotaline · 26/10/2018 20:34

Is he being nice enough to transfer money for his son? Or not able to summon up any actual actions on the nice front?

Juells · 26/10/2018 20:37

I'd wonder what he's spending all his money on, too. Hmm If he's on a ship you'd think there wouldn't be much opportunity for spending. Hmm

DunkandEggAgain · 26/10/2018 20:42

Op, are you a people pleaser in general and do you find yourself being taken advantage of often by different individuals?
You write that you didn't realise how blind you were to your partner's behaviour until receiving support here.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 20:44

He went Monday so the end of November.

He's also not going to be here for Christmas or new year either.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2018 20:48

And what did he say to you when he deigned to call.

Was also going to ask what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up

ThanosSavedMe · 26/10/2018 20:50

What an arse

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 20:51

He's also not going to be here for Christmas or new year either.

He’s actually ditching his kids for Christmas??

What kind of complete cnut have you got yourself mixed up with?

All this work and he can’t afford to give £25 to his son or pay his TV licence? Where’s it all going?

Gemini69 · 26/10/2018 20:55

sounds like the only person living the career 'Dream' is your DP..... good luck in finding an apartment... and living your own free life Flowers

Shriekingbanshee · 26/10/2018 20:55

Oh I am horrified for you kitten

What an almighty over-entitled shit he is.

Thus didn't sound like a discussion that you had any part in, how bloody dare he.

Where's their DM, seeing as they now have a father who has basically absconded. This isn't being a father. Imagine how they feel!!!?? Omg,it's not the same getting on with them well, as then them being left with you as their parent, with absolutely no authority to be that when you've only known him 18mths

I am sorry, but him being all nicey nicey is abusive manipulations of the higher order, keep you sweet, er indoors, bet he's having a right laugh now. How selfish and nasty, and I'm really sorry you have effectively found yourself a single DM to someone else's two kids.
Does he miss them, and his ddogs? Did he just disappear off towards the horizon without so much as a wave goodbye, yeah,miss you. What was the point t of him getting into a long term relationship if this is what he does, oh, hang on, ah, yes I see

Labradoodliedoodoo · 26/10/2018 20:59

If your flats not too far away you could always get together once a month. They could cook for you and you could cook for them.

But seriously Jamie Oliver recipe books and the bbc recipe website are easy to follow for anyone.

Shriekingbanshee · 26/10/2018 20:59

Where's their DM though first and foremost. Perhaps they could go live with her, and then you see if you are happy to be offshore widow for a while?

He's pretty confident you will just hang around for him. At what point did he ask/say/tell you this would be happening, after he got the job perhaps?

tinytemper66 · 26/10/2018 21:00

Genie DM has died. OP said up thread.

tinytemper66 · 26/10/2018 21:00

Genie? Their!!!

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 26/10/2018 21:00

shriekingbanshee their DM is dead.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 26/10/2018 21:04

Seriously, can people actually read the thread before chipping in?

Shriekingbanshee · 26/10/2018 21:16

Oh no! Bloody hell, and apologies for nrtatwt, I did read a lot of posts and was surprised that only one had asked that and it not being answered.

Those poor DC, what a fucking arse he is to leave them after they are already without a DM. How shit.
I will go look through more

Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 21:20

He'd hinted about going back offshore when I moved in.
But never confirmed anything. Then he just kept going on about it and how unhappy he was in the other job.
Last time he was home we argued about it and he said he wasn't going to leave the job.

I just hope it keeps him warm at night as I won't be!

OP posts:
Shriekingbanshee · 26/10/2018 21:22

Awesome OP. You can also get the insurance cancelled with a return of premium and the tv licence refunded, or both transferred to new place

Good luck with your hunting!

Shriekingbanshee · 26/10/2018 21:25

If you love the DC you can still be there for them, but they don't belong with you as their dm. Is so sad