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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 16:08

Why on earth does anyone think teaching them to cook and chore rotas are OP’s responsibility??

I think she should give notice as that gives him time to sort out childcare. That is the bare minimum. But everything beyond that is not her fucking problem.

They’re teenage boys whose dad has clearly never introduced this stuff, so they won’t take well to being taught to cook and asked to do chores.

Honestly it’s pointless.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 16:09

But that doesn’t work for me

Let this be your mantra.

This does not work for you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2018 16:14

Why on earth does anyone think teaching them to cook and chore rotas are OP’s responsibility??

Not her responsibility. But my mum took in three of my friends as teenagers at various points. I got a lot of support and advice form my BF's mum. I take in teenagers now. Takes a village and all that. I don't think a lot of harm can come from being kind to bereaved kids.

Iloveacurry · 26/10/2018 16:14

Good for you!

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 16:19

I don’t think making teenage boys cook and clean will be viewed by them as a kindness.

dontalltalkatonce · 26/10/2018 16:20

He was in the army and is still keen to live that way.

You know why? Because then he gets the skive out of life. If he wanted that, then he shouldn't have married twice or had kids or had a relationship because what he wants comes at cost to someone else, hence why he was probably divorced in the first place.

Not her responsibility. But my mum took in three of my friends as teenagers at various points. I got a lot of support and advice form my BF's mum. I take in teenagers now. Takes a village and all that. I don't think a lot of harm can come from being kind to bereaved kids.

And she has been, but it's coming at too much personal cost to herself and she's also paying out to live in this twat's house. Totally possible to be there for them and not subsidise their twat dad's ill behaviour.

dontalltalkatonce · 26/10/2018 16:24

He can’t afford it! All this time away and he’s still skint.

BULLSHIT! He knows you will pay it. He's socking away what he earns including what you pay to live in his house and subsidise his life.

I'd move out whilst the kids are in Spain. That is the notice this piece of shit excuse for a father gets.

I do feel sympathy for his sons, but they're not entirely helpless at their ages, they're really not.

mummmy2017 · 26/10/2018 16:59

Are any bills in your name?

flumposie · 26/10/2018 17:25

He is selfish . Poor kids and you. Do not contribute towards anything else financially.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 17:26

I pay for the TV licence as he refuses to and I pay house insurance. Both easily cancelled

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 17:27

He really is selfish, the more I'm on here the more I am realising how blind I've bed !

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 17:28

*been

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 26/10/2018 17:33

I'd take any place I would get. I would even go sparerooms.com or AirB&B just to get out and tell him when it's a fait accompli. I've had to do it before, move most of my stuff into a storage unit and even sofa surf for a week or so. Well worth being rid of the twat. And yes, just sent a message. 'I have moved out. I'm done being used by you. You are an irresponsible and selfish bastard who needs to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for the life you created. There is no point in talking to you further, because you don't give a fuck beyond your own skin. Goodbye!' and then off I went.

dontalltalkatonce · 26/10/2018 17:36

Oh, and by not teaching or expecting people as old as his kids to take responsibility for themselves, he's teaching them to shit all over other people, too. But that's his remit. They are his kids. C'mon to fuck, my 13-year-old YouTube's how to do anything she doesn't know how to do. It's not hard. She's dyspraxic and dyslexic so follows vid clips better, she just props her phone up and cracks on.

BaldricksCoffee · 26/10/2018 18:00

He's got himself a live-in housekeeper who is paying him for the privilege. I'd be livid if I were you.

I also feel really sorry for those boys - they are at a time in their lives when they really need their dad. They've already lost their mum and now their dad has abandoned them too. Thank goodness for the grandparents.

Mrskeats · 26/10/2018 18:09

Who buggers off abroad and basically abandons their children especially as their mother has died?
Contact social services re the younger one.
Has he any family that you can contact that might help?
Poor kids.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 26/10/2018 18:12

Bloody hell. I read the first page of this earlier and was furious for you kitten. I’ve now had a chance to catch up and am even more angry for you! He’s really done a number here, hasn’t he?

Well done for making the steps to escape. Good for you. Better times are ahead.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 18:17

I pay for the TV licence as he refuses to and I pay house insurance.

On his house? Wtaf.

The more you post the more it’s clear that he’s a deeply selfish individual who has had this planned all along. To find a woman to move in to look after his boys so he can fuck and do what he wants.

I don’t have any doubt now that that was always his agenda.

TemptressofWaikiki · 26/10/2018 18:30

Glad you saw sense. He is banking on you feeling sorry for his kids. But you can't sacrifice your life and then be left with nothing. I would have everything lined up to move ASAP and then let his mother take over if he isn't back. Or he will have to drop everything and deal with his kids. What a CF!

Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 18:43

Good plan. I have contacted some estate agents and my friend with a van is lined up to help me.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 18:53

He is banking on you feeling sorry for his kids.

Absolutely. I’d be braced for hardcore guilt tripping and using them as a bargaining chip.

I’d say ‘Yes, they’ve had a really tough time - a mother who died and a father who fucked and left them in the care of a woman they don’t really know, and whose father can’t even be bothered to treat decently. Now is your time to step up and take responsibilty’.

If he has to leave his job and come back to look after them it’s absolutely in the kids’ best interests.

Honeyroar · 26/10/2018 18:53

Personally I'd stop paying anything, stay there until just before he comes home. Teach the boys a bit of basic cooking, run down the food in the freezer and cupboards, do very little housework and flounce past him with all your bags as he puts his key in the lock. Take everything you ever bought furniture or household wise. Strip the bed before you go so he has it all to do when he gets back. Cancel all insurance or tv license etc in your name.

I hope you find somewhere lovely and have a much better future without him.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 18:54

and whose father

And who their father

Dullardmullard · 26/10/2018 19:15

Mortgaged house surely has House and buildings insurance as standard.

Don’t pay the licence either the house is in fact not yours so your not liable.

So he gets the housekeeper for both kids and dogs and you pay him for it. Err no love sod that.

Sort out what you want and leave. Watch for the guilting though.

woolduvet · 26/10/2018 19:36

Exactly what @honeyroar said