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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
wheresthehope · 26/10/2018 21:30

Poor kids but I really worry about the dogs. Maybe you could warn him if he doesn't step up you will either take them or rehome them. They stand no chance on their own

Shriekingbanshee · 26/10/2018 21:31

He thought he was entitled to rent too Halloween Confused good god almighty. WTAF.

Well go you OP, you will be putting your money to better use.

Can you share his contact details for the whole world to call him a fucking arsehole?!

Unicornandbows · 26/10/2018 21:34

What was his reaction to you moving out??

Singlenotsingle · 26/10/2018 21:35

I don't think she's told him yet.

Stressedoverkids · 26/10/2018 21:41

Kitten76 what a rotten position he has put you in.

I am sure there is someone worthwhile out there for you.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 21:43

His mum would care for the dogs. Rest assured I won't leave them uncared for. I've been their main carer for ages now.

I'll find a place before telling him I'm leaving. He knows how I feel anyway

OP posts:
Shriekingbanshee · 26/10/2018 21:46

Well he's gonna be in a spin now then isn't he! Good, he'll have to step up to the mark now and be a father irresponsible child he is

Shriekingbanshee · 26/10/2018 21:47

Showering you with good luck for the property hunt, or sofa to surf on!

Gemini69 · 26/10/2018 21:48

it's lovely and telling that you won't walk out before making sure everyone will be okay including the dogs... even though the responsibility for the kids AND the dogs is ultimately HIS.... and not yours ... Flowers

Maelstrop · 26/10/2018 21:53

Could you get his mum to move in til he gets back? Then you could move out ASAP? Saying that, after half term, the dc will be at school most of .

Hadenoughofallthis · 26/10/2018 22:14

This is quite astounding. What on earth does he think he's playing at? What sort of relationship does he think he's in? It's clearly not what you thought it was.
Well done for getting out.

Cawfee · 26/10/2018 22:26

WTF? He fucked off and left his bereaved children!! He’s a total arsehole. You’ve been paying HIM money??!! I can’t quite believe what I’m reading here..,he’s already stated that he won’t get married again so you’ve got no rights to anything. You’re looking after his kids. His pets and paying to do it!! Christ. Where do I sign you up?? A bloke who loves you wouldn’t just move offshore like that! He’s effectively abandoned all of you!!! Unbelievable. Get out. Now. Tell kids to stay with their grandparents. Put the dogs in kennels or with his friends. Move into a hotel until you can find somewhere to stay

Shinesweetfreedom · 26/10/2018 22:28

Don’t forget to get a post redirection set up

Thebluedog · 26/10/2018 22:33

I know everyone has already said this but I’m amazed that when you look at it; you’re house sitting for him, childminding and dog sitting for him to enable him to do his job, AND you’re paying him for the pleasure... he’s got his cake and he’s eating it, I’m glad that you’re looking to leave, I think he’s in for a shock .. poor kids too

Shriekingbanshee · 26/10/2018 22:43

I wouldn't be surprised if he would be found neglectful and cold to his DS's if SS knew, especially as they bereaved.

Is this the sort of ppl the army pay good tax payer s money to!

Rosielily · 26/10/2018 22:51

Can you tell us exact how much you contribute (financially) to the household expenses - including mortgage? And how much does he pay?

dustarr73 · 26/10/2018 23:58

@ShriekingBanshee Where's their DM though first and foremost.
Dead if you actually bothered to read the thread

ohfourfoxache · 27/10/2018 00:11

He’s an absolute cunt Shock

I feel so sorry for the kids

VanGoghsDog · 27/10/2018 00:13

My ex did similar to this to me - one 'DSS', he had a dog, who then died but he then decided we would both foster homeless dogs and board other people's dogs (the latter was illegal as we didn't have a licence and no matter how much I told him to stop, he still agreed to do it all the time, we didn't need the money).

He'd get a call and it'd be 'yes, yes, we can have a dog with medical issues and attachment disorder', I'd get home from work, find we had this challenging dog and that DSS' mother had gone off again and he was with us all the time, and DP was off to the US to work for two weeks. He never phoned or texted while he was away, I worked full time, out of the house 14 hours - the dogs were not allowed to be boarded or even walked by anyone else unless the charity had agreed and pre checked them (for insurance reasons) and I just had to 'cope'.

I told him a dozen times if DSS' DM could not have him when he was away then DP would have to change jobs to one where he wasn't away all the time (it was prob a week a month on average). But he refused saying he couldn't earn as much money in another job (because that's more important than your son...).

When I left DSS was 15, I'd got to the point I honestly felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. It was such a relief to get away and not have other people making decisions about my life and my time.

Looking back I felt it was all designed to tie me to the home. I do short terms jobs and at one point her suggested I get a local job and sent me a link to one in a call centre - nothing against that as a job but I am a professional with 20 years experience in my field and the salaries for jobs he sent me were about a third of my salary. But he was the one with the DC and he wouldn't reduce his salary or stay near the home for his OWN DC!

Controlling prick.

You'll definitely feel better without him!

(ex has since 'kicked out' his DS as he decided he was 'taking the piss', not sure where DS has gone as his DM was never very keen on him. I am in touch with him so I'll contact him soon and find out - funny how he can't cope with his own son but I was expected to, eh?)

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 00:29

FFS how shitty are you dustarr have you rtwt? No more needs saying then ironically

GreenTulips · 27/10/2018 00:30

I'm gobsmacked at the whole situation. Especially for such a short relationship!

Does he send the kids any spending money? Lunch money etc?
What happens if they need money for school or new shoes? Does he send it? Do you have access to joint accounts?

Get out quick

Hazardswan · 27/10/2018 00:41

Well done OP for seeing the light.

Lots of us are rooting for you Flowers

KeiTeNgeNge · 27/10/2018 00:52

Good luck- you will be much happier

DarklyDreamingDexter · 27/10/2018 00:53

I feel desperately sorry for the boys. They've lot their mum and their dad is a selfish jerk. Of course it's not fair what he's doing (to you or them) and you need to break free. So glad to hear you are going to try to train them up with some life skills and still be there for support if needed. Flowers Yes, it's not 'your responsibility' as some have pointed out, but you sound like a very decent, caring person who wants to do the right thing by them. Shame their father doesn't do likewise.

TemptressofWaikiki · 27/10/2018 00:57

You know what, he abused you as a free housekeeper, dog and house sitter as well as nanny. I’d tot up how much he would have had to pay for that, then scour round the house and sell off stuff till you recouped your pay, which will come in handy for a deposit for a new place. Leave him the invoice for your work. Go while the kids are in Spain and don’t wait till he gets back.