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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 05/11/2018 12:20

You won't see any money. If you are prepared to write it off and want to fair enough.

Otherwise arrange a man and a van and take, no matter how inconvienent. If you don't you"ll be kicking yourself within a few weeks. If he has the money to pay you, he has the money to go online. Amazon can deliver next day as an example.

Are you back there? Have you seen the DC. He will use them/ his mum to guilt trip you. He is that selfish. You need to go as low contact as possible or he'll chip away at you. All this is HIS responsibility. And you offered him a chance to change things. He is a complete chancer . Remember that.

Olderbyaminute · 05/11/2018 12:26

Hahaha “emotional roller coaster” that asshole! Project much? If anything,you’ve been the only constant, adult presence in their lives most recently-it’s their father who put them on an emotional roller coaster! Self centered bastard! Enjoy your new circumstances OP! I

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/11/2018 12:42

Tell him you need that money in your account today otherwise you'll have to arrange a man with a van because if you leave it till the lady minute you might not be able to get one

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/11/2018 12:43

Last minute not lady minute lol

Twisique · 05/11/2018 12:56

Don't forget to take the hoover too. Take everything that's yours, don't be feeling sorry for them and leaving things that you need to make it easier for them! They will cope!

StormTreader · 05/11/2018 13:15

"and asked me what I am doing so he can sort his life and the boys out."

"I assumed you'd just arrange all that to best suit yourself. That's what you've been doing up until now anyway".

AsleepAllDay · 05/11/2018 13:19

@Kitten76 he's projecting his shit on to you, he's the emotional rollercoaster. Leaving you to take care of his life with no support and not knowing when he'll be back & what he'll be like too - like everyone else here we're so proud of you and his guilt has no place in your life

About the money, he may be preparing to use it against you, especially if he knows you need it

Please crack open some champagne and treat yourself as you come to the end of this and the start of a new adventure - you deserve it!

AsleepAllDay · 05/11/2018 13:23

But I would take the furniture - you will need it in your new place and if not, a charity shop would love it! It's easier for a clean break because he will use it as a bargaining chip against you

RyderWhiteSwan · 05/11/2018 13:27

He has always said he's broke, Kitten, and YOU have had to pay for and give money to HIS DC. You really think he's going to buy stuff off you?

He's completely self- centered. You really can't believe anything he says regarding giving you money.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 05/11/2018 13:45

So proud and happy for you Kitten76 - although really it should be Tigeress76 now Wink

If he thinks you looking after his house, his kids and his dogs for free, paying stuff for them with his mother breathing down your neck was an “emotional rollercoaster” then he’s gonna shit a brick when he realises that that was just the teacups ride and he’s just strapped in for the real deal.

Wanker.

Branleuse · 05/11/2018 14:08

He wont buy it off you. He just wants you to leave it. Hes got no money remember

Yoksha · 05/11/2018 14:18

OP. I agree with Branleuse. He'll never pay you. It'll just keep you attached to him. Even if it's just continually asking for the money he owes.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/11/2018 14:20

He will never pay you a bean. He's proffered this because he wants to keep you in his life so he can continue to guilt you and try to talk you round.

'He thanked me for an 'emotional rollercoaster' and asked me what I am doing so he can sort his life and the boys out.'

He really is an entitled arsehole who thinks he's the great I am. You told him what you are doing. 'Thanks for using me as a housekeeper, nanny and petsitter and expecting me to pay you for it. What a have! I told you what I'm doing. I've left you. I'm going to my mum's and then to my own flat. What you do to sort your life and your children out is your business and your lookout. You're 46. Goodbye.'

Either write off the big stuff or get a man with a van. He won't pay you a penny.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/11/2018 14:23

So proud of you, too! He's a total user and has the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old. It's sad for his kids but a) they seem to have learned to treat you like a housekeeper, too b) they're old enough to start learning to do stuff on their own off their own backs (again, my daughter learned to wash her face from a YouTube vid clip, she didn't want me showing her. You can learn how to boil water on YouTube) c) they're not yours, you're not their stepmum and their dad could have kicked you out at any time. d) they're old enough to have a relationship with you in their own right.

TatianaLarina · 05/11/2018 14:56

What of the emotional rollercoaster he’s caused you? Buggering off and leaving you with his kids so that you have to end the relationship.

No “I’m sorry it was a misjudgement to take this job and leave you alone in charge”? (And forking our for my kids).

CaptSkippy · 05/11/2018 15:21

I wouldn't trust him to ever hand over that money. Move you stuff out or you will never see it or the money for it.

Also his life and his kids were never your responsibility and neither was the "emotional rollercoaster" that he created himself.

HSMMaCM · 05/11/2018 15:37

I agree with getting a man and van to move everything for you. Is the kettle yours? Cups? Cutlery? Go through EVERYTHING. Obviously don't take his stuff and make a considered judgement over shared stuff, but if you bought it, take it.

Ariclock · 05/11/2018 15:42

Please take your stuff with you. He's never going to give you the cash for it. Good luck for your lovely new life without him Wine

Shriek · 05/11/2018 15:42

His offer of buying your furniture is not about you, its about him of course. You furnished it, made it easy for him, he didn't offer to lay for it then, hes only offering it now because he won't have any furniture so you leaving things as they are makes it easy for him of course, it means he won't have to do anything, and he's not gonna pay you with money he's told you he doesn't have. That can be your answer.
Please let not have a whole 'excitement' around his reaction, its vital not to get involved or even acknowledge, as PPs have said his reaction is less than irrelevant.
It certainly doesn't matter to OP.
Well done Kitten !!! Flowers

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 05/11/2018 15:48

Take YOUR furniture for YOUR lovely new flat. Take every single thing YOU paid for. Totally agree with others he wants everything left at his so he doesnt have to do anything, and there is no way on earth he will pay you anything, let alone a fraction of the true worth of all the furniture. Hire a van and tell him to sod off with his 'kind offer'.

Good luck, op, with your fabulous new life!Flowers

TraceyBond · 05/11/2018 16:01

He's a prize twatwaffle isn't he

VanGoghsDog · 05/11/2018 16:32

When I left I took everything I had brought with me, be it a spoon or a sofa. Obviously some stuff had been discarded in the move or subsequent changes of goods.

I then wrote a spreadsheet of most of the stuff we had bought together from the kettle to the carpets. And I took 'half'. Obviously it's hard to take half so I took the kitchen table and chairs and left the carpet ( :) ), the bedroom furniture, the DSS bedroom furniture, the living room bookshelves etc etc.

I also took a lot of smaller stuff I had bought for 'us' via Amazon because my Amazon account was not linked to the joint account so I had paid for all that and never set up any mechanism to pay myself back from the joint funds.

I sent him the spreadsheet in advance. He fiddled around with it and sent it back. I had no idea what his fiddling meant. I asked him why he had changed one picture from mine to his, for example, and he said he thought it was his. I said 'what, the picture that used to hang at the top of my stairs at my old house?', He also changed some items I had marked as being left as being for me to take - I asked why and he said he assumed I would want them (just another example of what a wanker he was - I had TOLD him what I wanted in the spreadsheet already).

So, I ignored his pointless input and took what I wanted. The day before I left he said "I wish you were taking the living room bookshelves because I don't like them". I was like 'well, you had your fucking chance to negotiate and I don't have room for them now, so piss off'.

(I didn't like them either - he refused to buy what I liked, couldn't choose anything he liked himself, so we 'compromised' on something that I thought he was happy with, but then he told me he had never liked them - so why we couldn't have bought what I liked I have no idea! Twat).

WitchDancer · 05/11/2018 16:33

Well done Kitten, you've got this!

beanaseireann · 05/11/2018 18:06

Oh Kitten.
I don't know you but I'm proud of you !

You go girl and have a great life.

thismummydrinksgin · 05/11/2018 18:42

Tread carefully these boys have lost their mom and are probably love you, to up and leave would probably do more harm than you think . He's being a dick not considering you but I think communication is the key with the intention to achieve a compromise.