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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 02/11/2018 13:43

Well done. Please keep on course and move in with family if you have to--the inconvenience is temporary. Your freedom and your safety are more valuable.

This guy is a controlling arsehole who has been exploiting you, and that makes me very worried that he could also be physically violent towards you. He doesn't respect you as a person, so why not use a little extra persuasion? So just keep going.

Please don't beat yourself up for having been foolish about getting involved with him for so long. If you haven't been enmeshed with a controller before, it's hard to understand. But do absolutely take time to take care of yourself and figure out why you were vulnerable to him (you are not the only one of us, haha). Doing the Freedom Programme, even if you can only do the online version, could really help you.

HiHoToffee · 02/11/2018 13:54

The mother might well be protecting herself from being put in the OP's position. Ofcourse it would have been better if she had told her son to stop pratting around and start parenting

aidelmaidel · 02/11/2018 14:30

Three million cheers OP! Stuff in boxes!

Shriek · 02/11/2018 14:31

Remember it's not a crime to be a good kind and considerate person, others that take the piss are the wronguns, and lead us to believe we have been stupid/foolish, etc. You have not, you do not think like him, you are different and decent. How could you know who he was undermentioned and this is the path he would eventually lead you down! Makes you feel stupid, doesn't mean you are. Ppl are conned by conmen all the time, you are not alone. They get away with it because they are good at it, very good,and its slow and insidious and they do it to decent ppl

Shriek · 02/11/2018 14:32

*underneath, not undermentioned!?!

IloveJudgeJudy · 02/11/2018 15:41

Please don't message him back, OP. Just get on with your packing and out of there.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 02/11/2018 15:54

Has anybody asked told you you'll be picking the boys up from the airport yet ?

dontalltalkatonce · 02/11/2018 16:03

Yes, are you being expected to pick up the teens at the airport? If so then one last message to your twat ex. 'I don't have to put up with anything and won't. I've left. You need to sort out your kids because I won't be at the airport to do your skivvy work. Goodbye.'

Original poster
Kitten76 · 02/11/2018 17:58

No, I haven't been asked about the airport and I will say if I am asked.
This freedom project sounds interesting. I'll definitely look into it.

OP posts:
beanaseireann · 02/11/2018 18:41

Kitten76 you can wipe that 'I am a mug' sign off your forehead now.
You were far too nice for that loser.
Best of luck and I hope you meet someone real soon who will appreciate you.

Shriek · 02/11/2018 20:40

Freedom Programme run all over the country, also on-line. Also a book called the dominator, writte by Pat craven.

Budgieinaberet · 02/11/2018 20:54

Glad to see your updates.

JuliaJaynes9 · 02/11/2018 21:22

I'm wondering if the WhatsApp mistake was deliberate ....he wants to let you know that his mum also thinks you should be his servant?

cstaff · 02/11/2018 21:44

Well done OP. Just remember you are better than him or his mum any day.

AdoreTheBeach · 03/11/2018 17:16

Hi OP. Has your partner addressed the what’s app message? Any explanation?

Are his sons coming home soon (and are you expected to go collect them)?

NettleTea · 03/11/2018 17:23

Ive read the whole thread and so please you are on your way out.
He really is a crap father to those boys isnt he

MooPointCowsOpinion · 03/11/2018 18:24

Well done Kitten, you’re going to be so free and have so much time to do whatever you want with, amazing happy future ahead of you!

SabineUndine · 03/11/2018 19:22

Oh to be a fly on the wall when he realises he's blown it!

bubbles108 · 04/11/2018 07:18

Well done 👍

Buggeritimgettingup · 04/11/2018 07:42

Here's hoping you're finally free and not doing the airport run.

EK36 · 04/11/2018 08:16

Well done Kitten. Wishing you all the best.

MrsElijahMikaelson · 04/11/2018 09:11

Well done....please don t forget to update us with his reaction Grin

Original poster
Kitten76 · 04/11/2018 09:31

No airport run for me. I went out last night with friends and stayed over and I'm off to a birthday dinner later so he's had to sort that out.

I did question him on the WhatsApp - he said it wasn't anything big. He was just letting his mum know she wouldn't have to step in! I call total BS on that.

OP posts:
Cuttingthegrass · 04/11/2018 09:36

He’s hired a housekeeper and nanny (who likes dogs) then has he if assuring his mum she won’t have to step in.

That’s one deluded knob master for sure.

ilikefastcars · 04/11/2018 09:45

He is a deluded twat! I would pack and leave immediately tbh!