Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

[Kitten76]

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

So, living with your mum has like, one draw back: an hours commute.
Add up the time you spend doing things for his kids, dogs, home etc.....and, if the commute is done on public transport then it's just a bit more 'you' time if you ask me!

sold her flat because her earnings declined, moved into a shared house and LOVES it!
I think thats very interesting, this could become more of a thing, esp as a response to housing costs shooting out of the reach of everyday people

many many people commute an hour to work. its temporary

@Trogdor excellent point. OP, you'd probably be able to claw back as much time for yourself even with commuting two hours RT per day.

I see it differently...the plan can work if you stick to it and use it to your advantage.

Why inconvenience yourself, when you can use him like he's used you.

You've planned to work away... to spend time with family...etc

If he has half a brain he'll know your not staying long term. It also means you'll save on rent towards your new place.

He won't evict you because he needs you. ...and he's out of the country...it costs money to instigate legal proceedings...this man isn't going to be spending money on that.

You do need to proceed with caution as you cannot tell how he will react if you definitively say you're leaving. Bearing in mind his lack of compassion, once he thinks there's no turning you, he may unleash almighty hell and damnation on you...and I bet he does have money, all to himself, either that or addiction probs as PPs have said.

Totally acceptable not to pay rent when you’ve been an unpaid nanny cleaner taxi

Payment of rent might be her only protection legally. Better off paying higher rent and no insurance or TV licence. Legal advice needed

Bad plan. Just get out before he comes back. What happens when he returns? Keep having sex with him? It doesn't make and sense if you genuinely are planning to finish the relationship.

Right...I was so wrong to even think of staying!! He sent me a Whatsapp that was meant for his mum.
He's been discussing our life with his DM and I had asked him not to. Apparently 'I know I have to put up with him being away'.
Like hell I do!!
I have lined up some other viewings for next week and am off to my mums tonight to plan for my future - without him.

You were right PPs, staying is the last thing I should be doing!!

I have just skipped 28 pages and glad to read your last post. I am sure it has been said hundreds of times but I was immediately convinced he moved you in / recruited you to look after the house, boys, dogs and freed him up to follow his career goals.

OMG I have just read a couple of pages.

You were actually paying him rent? For looking after his house, kids and dogs? Wow he really saw a mug in you.

@Alfie190 yes, can you believe what an idiot I have been?

Oh my word kitten

I said earlier upthread that his mother was a CF and goes without saying that he’s an entitled twat.

What an utter douche. You show him that you will not put up with being a doormat any longer! 🤬

Just go.

Sort stuff out later.

Your mum’s has not much space and an hour from work? Most of us in the city commute an hour to work. Who needs space? It’s just temporary while you save money. It’s absolutely totally worth it.

How did you reply to his message OP?

Was it “oh no I don’t” !

Run away, run far, far away

You can do this!

Well done kitten, onwards and upwards 

Thanks guys.

@Cuttingthegrass I haven't messaged him yet.
He won't know I have seen it until he wakes up and then he'll try and dig his way out I am sure.
But too late - I have sent out numerous emails this morning for flats. And failing that, yes I'll go to mums
My brother and family have also offered a room so I am good.

When everything feels difficult and a regression, just keep in mind your own value. You are valuable. You can and will have more than what he is offering you.

Things will certainly take another turn when he realises you’ve received the messsve meant for his mother. Strongly suggest you think about living accommodation quickly. By discussing this with his mother now suggests he is looking at ways to go forward without you. The option of staying there may come to an end soon if he can work our alternative for his sons and dogs.

Brava @Kitten76! Get some boxes and start packing your stuff today or tomorrow. The boys return Sunday or Monday, right?

He hasn't made much effort to even try and keep OP (ok a spa day but that's just throwing money at the problem) where's the thanks the declaration of love how much he'd miss her etc etc??

Just nothing!

Those messages are to try and get his mother to take over