Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

[Kitten76]

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Staying at your mums is a perfect alternative right now but you are finding lots of faults with it, even though you would be able to quicky save up for a deposit??

I can see why he takes you for a complete mug who doesnt mean what she says, because you are willing to be a doormat and make excuses to stay. You have threatened to leave before but are stil there, I wouldn't believe you either if you trotted out that line again.

You can make the life you want, but you are choosing to be a mug.

Enjoy your spa day.

Please reread your OP Kitten
At how mad and taken advantage you felt at the time of writing, you wondered if that was unreasonable. I think we all agree it is.
You also agree it is.
As for not paying rent, I think that is actually your only legal leverage, as proving you are paying rent regularly to the house owner is evidence of a contract between you. You do not have to move out instantly because he's not home, but yes, you can completely disown his responsibilitys.
It very much sounds like a plan to not just jump immediately. You can start to get stuff out, and frankly there's not much he can do from there is there? Don't tell him, he doesn't deserve decent treatment, he dumped you in this NOW you do what you can to get out.
I'm a bit at the 'too nice' and other judgements. It simply means you deserve better and he doesn't deserve you.
It's not long, but it is enough time to do things in an easier way for you...and something else might come up too. Yes, sounds like more offices is the way.

I didnt type now in caps.

" someone else takes care of his children and dogs"

That's it, isn't it?

Even if he's not there, the kids & dogs still are which Op probably can't totally ignore.

Maybe no rent-but bills & food & generally running the house!

Only just seen this. I’m glad you are looking at your options OP

No money for DC food, or bills, insurance etc. If anything put that money to higher rent. Get legal advice on your rights, pretty urgently. You can call Rights of Women and speak to a solicitor who specialise in your situation, they literally can advise you for free, call in eves, and sit on the phone till you get though, in case he kicks you out as your worth is done, in his eyes.
It might be worth you just continuing as you were until he returns, so he doesn't suspect anything.

I haven't told him I am staying and he's aware I am still not happy with the situation.

That will make him see you mean business and are ready to leave him.
26 pages later and you are still there.
There is absolutely nothing stopping you from leaving except yourself, who for some reason wants people to know what a mug you are
If there were children involved well fair enough, but his kids are not your responsibility, so stop using the kids and dogs as reasons not to go and admit you aren't going to leave him

Romany! in unhappy and distressing situation, and this is what you say, blimey it is actually her choice, and OP doesn't seem to have been having many of those does she, hence her situation.

It's clear from her posts that going to her mum's isn't ideal, as she would be an hour away from work and there isn't much space. It isn't something I would want to do in her shoes either (but then, my relationship with my DM isn't easy).

The OP isn't obliged to take your advice, @RomanyRoots whatever you might think. It's her life not yours, after all. She's taking her time, which is perfectly understandable.

So on his next shore leave, you plan to "act". does that include in the bedroom ? ..... Its not an option.
The kids will tell him if you start to move out your things, if they are intelligent.
Honestly I think you should cut the cord, go to your Mums, put your stuff in storage, whilst looking for a flat.
what about looking at a mortgage?

Could you be a lodger for a while as that would be a lot cheaper than a flat. Have a look on spareroom or gumtree. I woudl be worried about not leaving as he will find some way to sucker you into staying.

"as she would be an hour away from work and there isn't much space. "

An hr away is nothing really though.

Plus not much space but free!

Nnnooooo op! Be a lodger, suck it up with your mum and deal with the long commute, anything's better than getting back in to dealing with the boys and the dogs. Flat #1 didn't work out, that's too bad, but there will be other flats. Maybe your mum could lend you some of the deposit money? Don't stop now, you were doing so well!

Flat share?
Better than twat share!!

Stay with your mum and then try and find a more cost effective solution. Look on spareroom etc, would you consider living with someone else?

Flat share?
Better than twat share!!

👍🏼

An hour is roughly how long it takes a Londoner to get to work unless they live in central London flat. I don’t think an hour is a big deal and it’s not forever.

But a flat share is a good option too. Stow your stuff in store or at your mum’s for maximum flexibility.

I think your situation isn’t ideal kitten but as he is away a lot, it’s probably copeable with in the short term. As I say I am a realist, and as I’ve private rented for 18 years (at a good level admittedly) I know the cash involved up front. Going to your mums isn’t ideal and maybe would be ok for some on here, but it’s not for everyone. A couple of things, I don’t know where you live but had you looked at the ‘guardianship scheme’ on properties, quite a few companies do it, much reduced rents and often low/no deposits. Not suitable for those with kids but you don’t. Not the ‘loveliest’ places long term as ex care homes, offices etc, but I know several people who did it short term. The other thing is again depends where you live, had you looked at house sitting opportunities? Or maybe a room in a house/flat when it’s a share with just say another mature woman? Again much lower rents and deposits , and in some cases they can often be away quite a bit. I know someone who did this with a woman who was away Monday to Friday , so she had the place to herself a fair bit and then saved up for her own place, spare ‘stuff’ was just popped into storage. A bit of sideways thinking may help here

Could you stay with your Mum at weekends then stay in an airbnb during the week if you don't fancy the long commute. It would still work out cheaper than the flat.

Kitten, I am freelance, with insecure earnings and single, and live in the country's most expensive city. I lived in shared houses throughout my 40s to save money until I could afford to buy my own tiny flat.

Shared accommodation is not ideal once you reach a certain age, but the upside is that there is ALWAYS an affordable room somewhere (I know of small rooms for rent in some parts of London for as little as £400 per month), and you would not have sole responsibility for paying the bills.

You don't have to socialise with the people in the house - but they are there if you do want to. I was a hermit who loved the peace and quiet of my own room most of the time, but you don't have to be.

I know of people in minimum wage jobs who manage to share reasonably happily, for years.

I don't want to be unkind, but it seems you might be looking for excuses to stay in this guy's house. I do feel sorry for his poor kids, and his dogs. Do you really want to be saddled with such a selfish and irresponsible man, with such obvious disregard for you?

Once you're out, I bet you'll look back and wonder what took you so long.

Agreed northern lights, there are solutions , I just think kitten needs to come to these conclusions at her own pace . It’s a lot to take on board all at once , I think the most important thing is to realise that long term this/ he doesnt won’t work for her.

This is very true, yetmorecrap.

@Kitten76 I agree with @northernlights0710. It may be the situation now that you just have to downgrade what you have or get for now. Think of it like students moving out of their parents’ house. Their standards of living go down temporarily but eventually rises again.

A lot of people who leave abusive relationships also go through this. It’s temporary, just keep that in mind. If that means doing a flat share with professionals the same age or commuting from your mum’s for a bit, then so be it. It doesn’t have to be permanent.

For the paltry £200 in Rent you’re paying him plus all the other incidental expenses related to insurance, the boys, and the dogs, the living situation is probably costing you about £500/month. About four to five months with your mum could clear that £2000 deposit easily, accounting for commuting costs.

Maybe this week is the time spent for you to get used to the idea of doing a sideways step instead of an immediate step in living quality after leaving him. :) The key thing is to leave and put some distance between you and the situation so you can readjust your frame of thinking.

As PPs have suggested keep looking, places crop up all the time and you need to be on the ball to get in there before anyone else. Air B&B, holiday parks - lots of caravan sites have the option to book for 21 nights incl utilities, have you asked on Facebook if any you know has room to spare? Obviously your not keen on staying with your DM but it’s not forever - maybe even take a small evening job to lessen the time spent there and help to save up quicker (I know not easy but needs must) and really a 1 hour commute is pretty standard.

You can do this! Don’t get cold feet now because you think you’re comfortable where you are.

The key thing is to leave and put some distance between you and the situation so you can readjust your frame of thinking.

This. Jings is right - you can't think clearly about this situation while you're in it. It will consume you. Hope I didn't hurt your feelings when I said your guy had "obvious disregard for you" - I meant to add that he has obvious disregard even for the people he claims to love, ie. his sons.

I didn't enjoy sharing particularly, but I know someone older than me (in their mid-50s) who sold her flat because her earnings declined, moved into a shared house and LOVES it! She loves the social aspect and has made new friends. So you never know until you give it a go.

Even if you move back in with your mum for a bit, an hour's commute isn't the worst thing. Folk in London do that daily. I used to have an hour commute to work and I really enjoyed it - I would read a good book and relax and it gave me time to get my head together before work.

There are always surprising upsides to the things we resist, where, once you're in that situation, you realise it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be and actually some things are a lot better! You also need head space away from that situation so that you can, as Jings says, reframe your thinking and your reset your "normality" gauge.

apologies for typos.