Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 01/11/2018 08:48

I think you have to find another flat. Even a flatshare with a civilised adult would be better than current arrangements. Agree with the others all credibility is gone if you don’t follow through while the momentum is there.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 01/11/2018 08:52

@dontalltalkatonce Wow you don't mince your words. I am serious, I am looking at my options and what's best for me.

OP posts:
Yoksha · 01/11/2018 08:52

I don't like your logic either OP.
You're lulling g yourself into a false sense of security.
The boys are away. You're being a bit 'punch drunk' with the relative freedom.
Put all your stuff in storage, and go live with your mum.
Save your money that way with emotional support from her.
Your self esteem and what you perceive as independence due to lack of pressure has made you feel a type of euphoria.
DON'T DO IT. There, have my first shout!

Original poster
Kitten76 · 01/11/2018 08:53

I'm seeing mum tomorrow night so can talk with her about living with her

OP posts:
Livingloving · 01/11/2018 08:55

I just don’t see how you could change the dynamic with the dogs and the children if you stay when he is not there.

dontalltalkatonce · 01/11/2018 08:56

I am serious, I am looking at my options and what's best for me.

The thing is, he won't see it that way. He has the measure of you. You told him you were leaving, he fobbed you off with a spa day and still doesn't take you seriously. Because you're not. As the other poster pointed out, you've lost all credibility. Don't kid yourself you'll stop paying up or doing stuff. The only way that won't happen is if you walk. And you have no right to stay there. He can tell you to leave, he won't, though, because he knows you'll hang around, and you'd have to go. People do what works, and so on some level, this relationship is working for you. That's great. But be honest with yourself and own that.

HSMMaCM · 01/11/2018 08:57

Your plan sounds great. This is a time you can be completely selfish and do whatever you like and go wherever you like. Enjoy.

dontalltalkatonce · 01/11/2018 09:06

You also looked at only one flat.

MinorRSole · 01/11/2018 09:14

In total agreement with the others who said this is a bad plan, it's a lose lose situation. If you're going you need to go, staying until after Christmas is a terrible idea. There will never be a perfect time to leave and you'll never feel like you have enough to make it work - do it now and you'll figure it all out as you go.

diddl · 01/11/2018 10:06

I think just cut your losses & get out.

You were managing before to rent by yourself weren't you so you will do again?

Rather live with your mum-would you be able to save up whilst there?

penisbeakers · 01/11/2018 10:13

I'm with the others RE the plan - that's not going to work. I would suggest that you go back to your mums, and get your money reserves built up from there. If you renege on the leaving part, he will take the piss even more than he is already, and likely try all sorts of stuff to get you to stay put.

Definitely talk to mum. 🌺

beanaseireann · 01/11/2018 10:13

Oh OP, I really think you should just go.
Otherwise nothing will change and you will be sucked back in.

Yoksha · 01/11/2018 10:14

OP, check out sunken cost fallacy, and how it could affect your well-being.

VanGoghsDog · 01/11/2018 10:20

But you'll end up doing all the organisation for the dogs and kids for the times you're not there. More work, more mental load.

When I split with ex I had to move into the spare room for 9m while legals were sorted, but the difference was, I owned half the house so had every right to live there. And we had enough space. I withdrew completely from any child or dog related activity. One time when he texted me to say he was going to be away overnight, I replied 'in that case DSS goes to his mum's', oddly, he didn't stay out in the end.
I made it clear that DSS was not to be left overnight ever without ex there as I was not responsible for him.
I never told him my plans as it was none of his business. He had to stop relying on me just being there.

Fairenuff · 01/11/2018 10:21

I agree that this plan is a bad one. Keep looking for flats and if you can move to your mum's all the better. You've been telling him for months that you're not happy and he doesn't care. That isn't going to change. Just get out of there as soon as you can.

Cjngs · 01/11/2018 10:28

I knew you wouldn't leave because you can't afford the same accomodation that you presently have. Staying and making up excuses to justify your cop out won't wash with anyone. You could just as easily live with your mum and save if that is your problem.

Yet another op complaining about their abusive partner and getting lots get support/sympathy/ideas then doing nothing.
As pps have written you've burnt your bridges with your oh by telling him. He can kick you out at any time and is probably planning to as soon as you are no use as housekeeper, childminder and dog walker.
Have some self respect.

PilarTernera · 01/11/2018 10:32

Another one who thinks you should just get out. Painting on a smile and pretending all is fine is not going to work. You have already told him you are leaving him.

OK that one flat you viewed was not workable for you financially, I understand that's disappointing. But now that you have done the figures, you know what you can afford. Keep looking. IME it's unusual to just go for the first place you see.

yetmorecrap · 01/11/2018 10:35

I think your plan is exactly what I would do OP. Ok it’s not ideal, but it’s realistic, it’s very easy people saying just leave, are they paying your deposit and first months threat which can easily be £2000 or more in many areas in private renting. (Our last one was £4200. !! Unless you are at threat of danger then think if it as a cheap place to live with some ‘duties’And work towards making your life a bit less about him, that way you leave with a bit more ‘life’ already made

KlutzyDraconequus · 01/11/2018 10:48

think if it as a cheap place to live with some ‘duties’

You know what exchanging sex for goods, cash or other financial gains is classed as right?

penisbeakers · 01/11/2018 10:50

What the actual fuck @KlutzyDraconequus!? have you actually read this properly? Even if you have, how on Earth is that even remotely appropriate to say right now?

NorthEndGal · 01/11/2018 11:02

In your shoes, I'd move in with your mum short term while you hunt for a flat that is in your budget.

Every minute more you spend living in his house, is proving to him that he wasn't that unreasonable after all, else why haven't you left?

Suresurelah · 01/11/2018 11:04

I kinda get why you think this is a good idea, but I think it just wouldn’t work.

Think about it. You stay at friends/brothers/mother’s place for a few days and tell his mum/DC. You know that they will whinge etc, try to make you feel guilty or his mother would come up with reasons why she couldn’t come over.

Personally, I would borrow the money or try and find a cheaper option in the interim.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 01/11/2018 11:11

@yetmorecrap Exactly. The flat was £2k upfront then £1k a month with bills. Let alone removal costs etc. I am freelance so need to consider all this.

Renting isn't cheap and whilst mum's is an option I am thinking of, she doesn't have a lot of space and lives an hour away from my work.

He's away until November 21st so I have to look at all options.

and @dontalltalkatonce I will be looking at other places - I haven't told him I am staying and he's aware I am still not happy with the situation.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/11/2018 11:43

But he'll want you out as soon as no rent/share of the bills is forthcoming, won't he?

JuliaJaynes9 · 01/11/2018 12:21

Even if she's not paying rent is probably cost effective for him to have her living in his house because he can only a living if someone else takes care of his children and dogs
You need to be strategic OP

Swipe left for the next trending thread