Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

[Kitten76]

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

You doing ok OP? I hope all your plans going well and figgers adding up OK? Here share, just having a munch

Let's hope he doesnt sneak in.a proposal of marriage to keep ad as the help.

Ah, found the message. I'll join AF in the naughty corner as I also have an 18 year son who is a brilliantly incompetent adult. Will try harder with next one.

I was only watching this thread for the resolution, have nothing to add that hasn't been said already.

You know you're doing the right thing OP & you'll feel much better about it soon.

His responsibilities are not your responsibilities.

Enjoy your new home and your time and freedom!

Really hope he hasn't talked you a line, OP. He's full of shit.

Hey all.
I'm ok thanks.

Can't get the figures to work for the flat so that's a no go - gutted.

:(

I am getting devious though...I am going to stay where I am (for now) and get my own life which will mean less time to look after things at home.
I'll stay at my mum's, brothers, friends etc so I am not the little PA to his life at his beckon call!

I will save a pot of cash over the next few months and in the new year I will go and never return to him! I am going to paint a smile on and pretend to him all is fine.

Thoughts??

Hi, I've been lurking
I would stop paying anything towards the upkeep of the house, rent included.
If he says anything, tell him you're skint and he owes you X amount for childcare/ dog care.

That's a shame about the flat.

Well your plan seems fine....stay at his place less and less...leave his DC to fend for themselves. His mum can step in.

You save the money and no payments to him whatsoever. He can provide food money and everything else his DC need.

@finnmcool Yep, good idea. I will be withdrawing any 'rent' and backing off from house responsibilities.

I am looking at doing some more work for other offices around the UK too so that may mean I have to go away! :P

Nice one kitten
You can plan your new life whilst pulling back, it will be a good transition period for the kids too.
New year, new start!

Is there any chance that he will "evict" you over this if he knows what you're doing, though? I'm not a solicitor but I assume you only had lodgers rights

Good idea op, to save money. I was thinking of suggesting you stop paying Rent to him, save your money. get your life and priorities sorted . good luck

Good point mousey
kitten,if he does get antsy, maybe you could say that you're doing overtime because you're skint and you'll pay him back after Christmas?
Keep him sweet with that carrot dangling in front of him?
Only say it verbally though, not in a text or email.

Do you think he'll kick up a fuss about withdrawal of rent? Although he might be so relieved that you're not openly leaving him (yet) that he could accept that, come to think of it...

Or suggest a spa day after Christmas?

Id be telling him that im cancelling the rent money as I needed the money to care foe his kids and dogs. And that as the house is his the insurance needs to be arranged by him. Give him a week to sort a new policy then cancel the one you have.

I'm sorry that your DP is a fucktard OP, but your plan sounds a bit bonkers. You will be living a half-life, with someone you have no respect for while stuck in his property and it is not your home.
Bite the bullet, go back to your mum - temporarily - save some money then get your own place to call home.
Your plan will destroy your soul.

Your plan sounds daft. You have no right to stay in his house. None. Not even lodger's rights. He can bounce you out at any time. And the longer you stay with him, the more he'll talk you round, you'll feel sorry for his kids, the dogs, etc. - after all, that's what got you into this in the first place. Your plan is not devious, it's just setting you up to be mugged off more and sweet talked round. I'd go to your mum's and save. But you won't, you'll stay right where you are.

Not a fan of the plan OP.
It opens up too many points of conflict.
What happens with sleeping arrangements? Will you be happy sharing a bed with someone you don't want to be other? What about sex? You still going to sleep with him or I'll you just have a headache every night?
What about his kids? Playing happy families when Christmas and New year are around the corner seems a bit wrong.

No doubt you have to leave, but the plan sounds like a bad idea and a way to use him. Don't lower yourself to his standards and live like that in exchange for a roof and a bed.

How will you get out of sorting out the dogs and the kids when you have been doing it for 18 months?

Also you told him 'I'm leaving', then didn't. So that sets you up for his not taking you seriously, because you aren't.

Either leave or dont. This plan is neither and sets you up to fail, and for him to take advantage.

If there is nowhere you can live for a few months, rather than sofa surfing, would a house share for 6 months be an option while you save up? I have to be honest, with you saying your finances arent enough for a decent place of your own, it sounds like you may in fact be using each other. Him for free housekeeping and you for cheap rent.

How many flats have you seen?

Once you’ve told someone you’re leaving and you don’t leave you’ve lost all leverage. It will confirm to him that you are the problem and he’s done nothing wrong.

Your plan will result in constant arguments and accusations from him that you’re not ‘pulling your weight’.

It’s honestly one of the worst plans I’ve ever heard. It makes me question whether you’re serious about getting out, and he will come to the same conclusion.

All you would actually do is make a bad situation worse and convince him (in his weird world) that you’re taking advantage.

Personally I would go to your mums or into a share with other professionals while you save up money.

I don't like your plan either, I don't think you will be able to back off and disengage as you are too nice.