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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 30/10/2018 07:11

@lottiegarbanzo

'Fault' is irrelevant. Responsibility is what matters.

Good angle. @Kitten76 if he keeps saying it’s not his fault, I’d reply “But it’s your responsibility” and keep hammering that home.

Good job on seeing the flat. Just keep in mind that you don’t have to get that flat in particular. There are plenty of flats in the sea. :) If you can't make it work financially, then you can still decamp to your mum’s place to save up for a month or so and look for other places. You’re doing so well. Flowers

mummmy2017 · 30/10/2018 08:20

About time reality hit him on the head then.

PilarTernera · 30/10/2018 09:27

"Look, it's not really about 'blame' and 'fault'. It's just that I am not happy, and I'm not prepared to stay in a relationship when I'm not happy."

^This

beanaseireann · 30/10/2018 09:32

Amazing post dontalltalkatonce. Thanks
I'd send that to him. kitten76.

Panicwithmephisto · 30/10/2018 09:52

I'd send dontalltslkatonce's post after you've moved your stuff and sorted out a postal redirection otherwise he could destroy your stuff in anger.

Trogdor · 30/10/2018 10:10

I know exactly what life is like offshore. It is, compared to parenting and running a house, a fucking breeze. You barely have to think beyond the basics of the current task, some of which are incredibly easy.
He has architected his life to make his as easy as humanly possible, while slithering out of any real life responsibilities.
Do not buy into any bullshit about his life offshore. He is welcome to come here and argue with me about it, but I know his game.

Branleuse · 30/10/2018 10:10

oooh a spa day. That makes all the difference!

Shriekingbanshee · 30/10/2018 11:41

Please don't waste your energies arguing that to and fro. It's obvious from his actions so far that he's not going to accept any answer as satisfactory until he has talked you into staying, also know his game! It's not one where he accepts your answers and goes, oh alrighty then. No way, no how. It will just continue the rant. You've told him you're going, just stick fast to that.
You have already provided ample explanation, he is refusing to see and its not your responsibility to make him either

Branleuse · 30/10/2018 12:27

Its not up to him. You do not have to even let him try and talk you round.
You gave him chances to fix this many times. Funny how it takes you actually telling him youre LEAVING for him to even so much as offer you a fucking spa day. What does he think you are? A maid? His mum? A mug?

twoshedsjackson · 30/10/2018 13:41

"I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long.........
so he managed somehow before you came on the scene; he can do so again. Point that out to him, if you wish to engage at all. Terribly sad for the boys (and the dog!) but if he was taking you seriously he would have thought through the implications of the dream job, and pleaded with you to hang on in there, properly financed at the very least. You are under no obligation to play Wendy to his Peter Pan.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/10/2018 15:13

Nice try, but the Jedi Knight mind control isn’t working for him.

Use someone else, he will.

Lunde · 30/10/2018 15:40

I would just ignore him at this stage - he really moved the goalposts in a bait and switch because he is selfish

  • you agreed to move in with him and he was working in a good job locally
  • he then decided to follow his dream job and quit the local job to work offshore and to offload his parenting responsibilities onto you
  • you are now living as a single parent to 2 older teens that you don't even know well while he "follows his dream"
  • you are not only paying to be his proxy-parenting, live-in nanny but he is not sending enough money for his children's needs that means that you are subsidising his selfishness

This is not what you signed up for and I would make sure to leave as soon as you can and let this father take care of his own responsibilities

Branleuse · 30/10/2018 16:18

I just would not be there for the kids return from spain.

Tell the grandparents and also your "boyfriend" whilst they are away that youve left, and good luck with finding another mug

JuliaJaynes9 · 30/10/2018 17:33

You are under no obligation to play Wendy to his Peter Pan
great phrase:o

DartmoorDoughnut · 30/10/2018 18:01

Hope your finances work out that you can afford the flat, if not there are loads more out there!

CreativeMumma · 31/10/2018 17:47

i just wanted to say you are completely doing the right thing in moving and he is taking advantage of you.

Gemini69 · 31/10/2018 20:46

I hope your okay OP.... Flowers

MissLead · 31/10/2018 20:54

Wow @anyfucker I’ve observed your utter contempt for the opposite sex on here (LTB must be your most used letters on your ‘phone).

Worryingly it looks like you are bringing up your son using the same mantra.

Shame on you.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 31/10/2018 22:16

@MissLead wtf? Have you rtft? You’ll be hard pushed to find any posters advocating to stay with this selfish user.

MinorRSole · 31/10/2018 22:20

I'm assuming it's the wrong thread - not sure anyfucker has commented on this one. Am curious which thread she meant to post on though!

Gemini69 · 31/10/2018 22:26

baffled dot com Hmm

AnyFucker · 31/10/2018 22:31

You been on the Colombian Marching Powder again MissLead ?

Fries your brain, that stuff

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 31/10/2018 22:32

Lol I just had to check if @Anyfucker is actually on here (she is), she’s just usually and bizarrely a target for being mean to the menz despite being one of many voices telling the OP to ltb Confused

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 31/10/2018 22:32

Cross posted - speak of the devil Grin

AnyFucker · 31/10/2018 22:33

😈