Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 29/10/2018 20:33

He's playing the wounded man card is he?

He decides to leave, he decides he won't give up the job, he decides to leave the job he had... Etc
Yet it's your fault..
That's male logic.. 😂

Hazardswan · 29/10/2018 20:36

Yay! Glad the flat was nice.

Boooo

Don't listen to a word he says.

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2018 20:40

Oh ffs you’re not blaming him for anything, you simply can’t live with his choices.

Applebloom · 29/10/2018 20:40

Blaming him for things that aren't his fault !! Omg he's lost touch with reality here
You don't want or need the responsibilities of his home kids and dogs!
Those are all his issues to sort/solve
All his
You're finished being adult in charge of the life he's left behind
And yes it is His fault for assuming that you'd always be available to take charge of those he's left behind!

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2018 20:40

So when can you move in?

Gemini69 · 29/10/2018 20:43

I'm so happy for you OP.. I'm glad the flat is good Flowers

dontalltalkatonce · 29/10/2018 20:44

Fingers crossed on the flat! Move to your mum's if not. I'd be tempted to send him one more message. 'You can blame me for whatever you'd like. The FACT remains that you quit a good job for one you fancied and left your kids, me, your dogs and house. You then expected me to provide housekeeping, childcare, pet care and pay you for this. PAY YOU for it. Pay for food for your kids and pets, pay for a house I don't own, pay bills that would be cheaper just for me, on top of providing services people pay huge whack for. That is using someone. Using them. I am bloody sick of it and will not do it anymore. You're an adult. Sort out your own shit the way I'm sorting mine. Sick of being used, sick of your whinging and bollocks. You're an entitled, selfish twat and it's no wonder you've been divorced twice. Wise the fuck up. Goodbye.'

And then not engage with him anymore.

QueenofallIsee · 29/10/2018 20:49

Ffs, the man is unbelievable! He gave up a job on the basis of excitement, entirely facilitated by his girlfriend picking up his domestic responsibilities and that’s not his fault? Whose bloody fault is it then I wonder!

confusedmomm · 29/10/2018 20:55

Aw hope the flat works out!!

user1492735119 · 29/10/2018 21:12

Good for you op. I can totally see this from your partners pov though!
He thought he had a good thing going there for a minute. Someone faithfully looking after his children, pets and home, so he could swan off without a care in the world. Man thought he was a genius. Now look! Suddenly he’s got to actually care about what’s going on back home! Poor guy. He might even have to give up his ‘dream job’ and all because you won’t play ball op.

Seriously I’ve personally never had the pleasure of meeting such an unbelievably selfish man, but I’m sorry you have. On the bright side, at least you haven’t wasted years on this numpty and can now move on.

As for the children and dogs, one is 18 and sounds as though he could do with a life lesson in growing up. The other is not so far behind and either nan’s help I’m sure they’ll be fine. The dogs will either be cared for properly by the boys or not, but either way op, time to wash your hands of it and let dad sort them all out.

Good luck :)

eddielizzard · 29/10/2018 21:12

It's in his interests not to see your point of view, because he knows darn well that you're giving 90% in this relationship. A spa day my arse.

I'm so glad you saw that flat. Your future is bright and fancy free, without the responsibilities he tried to burden you with.

He's an entitled twerp who has no intention of changing. His aim will be to get you back in line. Don't.

GreenTulips · 29/10/2018 21:12

dontalltalkatonce

Are you a diplomat by any chance?

EK36 · 29/10/2018 21:14

Another one here for, I hope the flat you like works out for you. Dont let him guilt trip you into staying. Don't waste your life being stuck in a bad situation. Because life is too short. Enjoy yourself and your (soon to be) freedom.

Hadenoughofallthis · 29/10/2018 21:20

You're not blaming him for anything. His circus, his monkeys. He makes his own choices.
But here's the thing; so do you. And you're done. Over and out.

RyderWhiteSwan · 29/10/2018 21:21

Not his fault. Not his fault....... it gets better and better Halloween Hmm

Hope you find you can afford the nice new home OP!

lottiegarbanzo · 29/10/2018 21:27

'Fault' is irrelevant. Responsibility is what matters.

Shriekingbanshee · 29/10/2018 21:35

Way to go!!! Great news, hope the figgers work out for you.

Oh, is he feeling bad now shitting it cos he's been caught out

How very dare he blame you, shame on him.
You go OP and don't you look back! Halloween Wink

JangleJungle · 29/10/2018 21:52

Good for you! I hope everything goes well. I'm following as I want to know what happens!

Havaina · 29/10/2018 21:54

What was the gist of the convo, OP? I'm strangely fascinated by his attempts to dig himself out of a Grand Canyon whole.

Havaina · 29/10/2018 21:54

*hole.

Hazardswan · 29/10/2018 21:55

👏👏👏👏 donttalkallatonce spectacular 👏👏👏👏

Send him that kitten FlowersCakeWine

altiara · 29/10/2018 22:00

Good luck kitten 👊

Queenofthedrivensnow · 29/10/2018 22:08

A spa day!!!! I ask you...
My exh is a commercial diver. Wondering if the op exp does similar job. They all have the mentality we should just suck it up and be grateful. Kids included. I am well shot of him hope you are too x

Suresurelah · 30/10/2018 02:59

He’s so deluded.

He’s trying to make you feel guilty. Please don’t, his children and animals are not your responsibility.

His mother is CF also....telling YOU that you needed to be up early to drop her grandkids to the airport.

Escolar · 30/10/2018 06:29

Say to him - "Look, it's not really about 'blame' and 'fault'. It's just that I am not happy, and I'm not prepared to stay in a relationship when I'm not happy. I'm not necessarily saying it's completely your fault, I'm just saying that if this is how our relationship is, I can't stay in it any longer."