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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
beanaseireann · 29/10/2018 11:30

'The job is more important than his own bereaved children.'
This, oh this. SadSadSad

beanaseireann · 29/10/2018 11:30
Angry
JuliaJaynes9 · 29/10/2018 11:36

He is placing a high priority on his job because it presumably pays very well and it's a manly macho work environment which fits in with his image of himself so it's Central to his identity

Any kind of wife work domestic work etc would detract from his sense of masculine self importance

timeisnotaline · 29/10/2018 12:08

If it pays well you think he’s have money. This is a guy who occasionally sends £100 to feed his kids and dogs, can’t afford to send more, can’t afford to come back for the weekend... or so he says.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 29/10/2018 12:16

DP owes a lot out and isn't good with what he has.
I just hate the end of things, but it's hie who has changed the dynamic of this relationship.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2018 12:27

Of course he doesnt understand what he has done wrong, because he is happy so of course you should be too!

Its those poor boys I feel for most, lost their mother and their father thinks its ok to just fuck off and not give them another thought :(

Havaina · 29/10/2018 12:37

@PyongyangKipperbang

There's another poster going by Ptangkipperbang (spelled differently). Didn't know kipperbang was so popular, whatever it is!

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2018 12:40

My username is a play on the words "P'tang, Yang, Kipperbang" which is a Jack Rosenthal play, I am semi obsessed with N Korea so it seemed a good choice! Had it for a few years now!

GreenTulips · 29/10/2018 12:46

PyongyangKipperbang

Reminds me of Rita Sue and Bob too!!

Havaina · 29/10/2018 12:52

Haha, I thought it was kippers with a bang, Pyongyang style!

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2018 12:56

DP owes a lot out and isn't good with what he has.
I just hate the end of things, but it's hie who has changed the dynamic of this relationship

Where’s it all going? It’s not going on his kids, you’re paying for quite a bit for them. He should have a direct debit going to you weekly for household expenses.

He must have some kind of hidden gambling, drug, alcohol habit surely. Or he’s just hoarding it all at your expense. Where do all these debts come from?

PilarTernera · 29/10/2018 13:07

In a way, it doesn't matter if he is a selfish cockwomble or if he has done nothing wrong. You are not happy in the relationship. You are falling out of love with him because you rarely see him. You are perfectly entitled to end the relationship if you want.

His children, his dogs, his house, his debts are his responsibility, not yours.

RyderWhiteSwan · 29/10/2018 13:29

I feel guilty for moving out
That's because you are a nice person. You have nothing to feel guilty about, as I'm sure you know in your heart and by the outraged responses on this thread.

How much guilt does your 'partner' feel having dumped this selfish situation on you and his kids and dogs? Er..... my guess is none whatsover

RunSweatLaughAndLatte · 29/10/2018 13:39

I'd let the boys know you are unhappy and will not be staying with their dad anymore but they can always talk to you as you care about them but you've got to also consider your own happiness.

Then tell him you won't be his unpaid babysitter, dog sitter abc housekeeper anymore and if he wants to keep his dream job he needs to research his own solutions for the childcare, dogs and house in order to facilitate this as you willno longer do it. Make sure to get your ducks in a row first

dontalltalkatonce · 29/10/2018 14:09

DP owes a lot out and isn't good with what he has.
I just hate the end of things, but it's hie who has changed the dynamic of this relationship.

Then he's gambling or has some hidden problem, but either way, it's not your responsibly and you were clever enough not to mix money with him. He's a man who doesn't even pay to feed his kids and pets!

He changed the dynamic, but be truthful with yourself, too, before he swanned off, were you already doing a lot of donkey work?

He sounds allergic to adulting like a normal human being and is therefore a piece of shit.

beanaseireann · 29/10/2018 14:54

As RunSweatLaughandLatte says
Get your ducks in a row.
Then tell the boys you are leaving and say you are there for them but will not be their father's partner ( housekeeper and piggy bank anymore).
They need to see too that women don't put up with the s*it you put up with in the past with their cr-p dad.
So tough for the boys - losing their Mum too soon and a Dad who doesn't care enough. SadAngry

Mitzimaybe · 29/10/2018 16:32

So, he has no money. But he has tried to bribe the OP with a weekend away in December and a spa day. So he has money.

OP, you are too nice for your own good. Toughen up!

Has anyone mentioned the Freedom Programme yet? You say you always choose the wrong men - the Freedom Programme will help you with this. Once your living situation is sorted out and things are a bit calmer, please try to do it.

Shriekingbanshee · 29/10/2018 16:32

Please don't involve the boys in your relationship with their dd as others suggest, it really doesn't help them and will alienate them from you. They might say negative things about him or not, but he's their dd.
PPs this is not fair to lay that on bereaved kids! Wth.
It's very Haloween Sad for you Kitten remember hes done this, but you have finally made your own decision. He made choices his guilt. He screwed up and destroyed his relationship, its abundantly clear the boys welfare is not of concern to him and neither are you, so try not to waste energies on guilt. Despite his behaviour towards you you are worth so much more than this! Flowers

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 29/10/2018 16:37

Hey OP. Hope the flat hunting went well today. Keep your chin up - there are brighter times ahead.

Havaina · 29/10/2018 16:49

@Shriekingbanshee

The previous posters suggested OP tell the boys that she is leaving and won't be their father's partner anymore but that she is there for them if they need her.

How on earth is that involving them in her relationship with their father?!

It would be much worse if OP fucked off without a word to them!

Shriekingbanshee · 29/10/2018 18:26

I think I read to fast when it said, Then tell him ..... Which obvs related to the p not DC
My bad. The other was in brackets, piggybank and housekeeper anymore..with two words scored out. Went on to say, They need to see you won't out up with his.... Wasn't quite clear on what was being proposed there, and PPs have said it too.

Hazardswan · 29/10/2018 18:32

Please dont feel guilty kitten you have done nothing wrong or shameful.

Shambu · 29/10/2018 18:45

Telling the boys is DP's job not hers. Not her responsibility.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 29/10/2018 20:30

Hey, the flat was fab. Really liked it.
Just got to make sure I can afford it.

Have had with DP tonight. Apparently I'm blaming him for things that are not his fault

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 29/10/2018 20:32

He is really deluded isn't he?

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