Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 29/10/2018 08:31

My friend's DH has this kind of off-shore job, though he works on a plant and in different places. He gets 3-4 weeks at home, then 4-6 weeks away. They have 3 DDs of 9, 8 and 6 and a dog too. It's a very similar setup, but they're both happy with it. There's certainly no suggestion that he's lonely, he loves it and my friend is happy when it's time for him to go as she says he gets under her feet! 

But it was a joint decision in their case. In the OP's case it definitely wasn't, she didn't sign up for it and she has every right not to put up with it.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 29/10/2018 08:32

Even if this flat doesnt work out op, move in with your mum temporarily until you find one, I guarantee she wants you to be happy and safe, not taken for an utter mug.
Oh and cancel the insurance and tv licence today ffs!! Good luck op, you are far too good for his bullshit. Flowers

youbrokemytwatometer · 29/10/2018 08:32

However many sides you think there are to this story, the OP's partner wrote the whole thing for everyone.

If the job is so tough and lonely, maybe he could have stayed home with his kids who have had a pretty tough time themselves.

Hadenoughofallthis · 29/10/2018 08:37

The only thing I would suggest is that you at least make sure he knows you're leaving (and it's not just an empty threat) before he sets sail on Wednesday. Once he's at sea, presumably he physically can't return home to care for his kids, so I think it would be nice of you if you gave him a heads up.
(Disclaimer: he is a shit and deserves what he has coming to him)

dontalltalkatonce · 29/10/2018 08:37

Here, I'll do his side:

Life is so rough. I'm just a free spirit. Those shore jobs just aren't for me. I mean, I got married a couple of times and had two kids, but those women just didn't understand me and I got divorced. It's so hard to find women who get it or understand the real me.

Anyhow, one of my ex's passed away, before I knew it, I was saddled with my own kids! I decided to play along for a while and got a couple of dogs to complete the picture.

Then I thought I'd met the perfect match. I mean, who wouldn't want to be my girlfriend? It was all going swimmingly, I had a decent job with a good salary, a home. But well, the real me beckoned.

My spirit is just as wild as the sea, so off I went. And it's so hard. I have to work 4 weeks on/4 off and when I'm on, without a bar or drink or a gym or posh chocolates and coffee!

And my girlfriend keeps nagging me because she said she's sick of paying a lot of the bills on my house and looking after my kids and dogs.

How could she? She should be happy to facilitate my choices because otherwise I just can't be me!!!

Now she says she's leaving. I mean, I offered her a spa day!

God, now I might have to give up my dream job to be a dad and pet owner!

dontalltalkatonce · 29/10/2018 08:41

Once he's at sea, presumably he physically can't return home to care for his kids, so I think it would be nice of you if you gave him a heads up.

She has. And the kids have their grandmother and their two arms and legs, which, from the sounds of it, they're not inclined to use much since Muggins was there dishing up the dinners and cleaning their house and buying their food and giving them money.

He's too entitled to even give her the respect of treating her seriously.

camelstraw · 29/10/2018 08:45

OP - you say you've not dropped a bombshell without warning. But have you actually dropped it at all? Have you ever said to him 'wef (date of your choosing) I am not doing this. It is not my responsibility, but as I am nice I am giving you a bit of notice so you can make other arrangements. I have already secured my new pad, so cannot afford to pay rent or cover any of your household bills. I need you transfer £X to cover your family costs until my planned departure. If this is not acceptable to you I shall move out immediately, or if the money has not arrived in my account by (date) I shall be moving out on (date of the day followIng')'

Joysmum · 29/10/2018 08:51

When you view a house and decide to take it you can’t just move straight in. That’ll be the notice period for him, saying you viewed a house and will be moving in on xx/xx/xx.

It won’t cone out of the blue as he’s had nought warnings, it’s not the OP’s fault he’s choosing to behaving like a toddler in that pretending this isn’t gspening means this isn’t happening. Not her problem.

GreenTulips · 29/10/2018 09:04

The kids are in Spain for the week, and then back at school.

Grandma can take over until he's back so he has plenty of time to sort something out - probably dumping his reaponsibily on gran.

OP should not be made to feel guilty in this scenario. She's done nothing wrong.

dontalltalkatonce · 29/10/2018 09:11

but as I am nice I am giving you a bit of notice so you can make other arrangements.

She's been plenty nice already. She told him twice she was leaving. He didn't believe her from what she says and thinks she'll carry on as usual. And he can tell her to get out with no notice.

greenlanes · 29/10/2018 09:13

Hope your viewing goes well today. I have been thinking of you.

Prettyvase · 29/10/2018 09:23

Don't do his laundry or cooking, food buying or domestics like taking the bin out as they all need to prepare for independent life and giving his boys those life skills are a great plan.

For every job around the house and garden call the 18 year old to do them and explain nicely that he has to be an adult and take on those responsibilities as part of independent life.

Anything the 18 year old fails to do get the 15 year old to do.

Any gripe tell them to tell their dad or grandma.

Stay sweet and lovely to them while doing less and less and use the place to your advantage. Stop all payments immediately, you can get refunded on both your direct debits.

Get your partner to cough up for mortgage, food and extras or if he won't, wash your hands of the responsibility and tell them to go to the grandma instead.

Never ever be taken for granted, used or abused for being kind and generous ever again op.

Save, save save while living there or at your mum's. Get your partner to refund you for all the ££ you have given his boys, for the groceries, everything. Got it all up.

Do not pay him another penny and in the meanwhile get him to repay you for everything.

Charge him for dog sitting/ childcare too but do it all without getting angry, just objectively.

His response will be all you need to know what a devious and CF user he really is.

DishingOutDone · 29/10/2018 09:24

I was initially thinking hardknock just wanted to champion people who work on offshore rigs etc., but was going about it a bit arse-handed, and I wanted to say that of course we appreciate this is hard and sometimes dangerous work, but that the OP's DP chose to do it, it wasn't out of necessity.
But then I saw this - is it ok for OP to live in his home contributing minimal - how the fuck is it a minimal contribution?! Not only is she the nanny and dog walker, she actually has to pay for the privilege as well?! Did you not see the bit where op says he only gives her £100 for the kids and the dogs, and even then that's not regular?!

dontalltalkatonce · 29/10/2018 09:26

Not only is she the nanny and dog walker, she actually has to pay for the privilege as well?! Did you not see the bit where op says he only gives her £100 for the kids and the dogs, and even then that's not regular?!

And she pays the CT, TV license, mortgage and contents insurance. Oh, and the pet food the every now and again £100 is supposed to cover. And gives his kids money. But you know, poor man, his girlfriend is such a scrounger.

SeaViewBliss · 29/10/2018 09:42

I'm sorry you're feeling anxious today Kitten.

Just keep reminding yourself that you have every right to live your life the way you want to. All the responsibilities, dogs, DCs, house - are his, not yours.

Hope the viewing goes well. Take care.

ScoobyGangMember · 29/10/2018 09:44

You're doing the right thing OP. Things might get worse in the short term, but will soon be immeasurably better, I'm sure. Good luck.

beanaseireann · 29/10/2018 10:12

OP I hope the apartment looking goes well today.
Please ensure you are gone before he comes back. He will try and sweet talk you into staying.
The poor boys.
What a selfish man.
Do your post redirection and ensure you are not paying any bills on the house.
Move in with your Mum asap.
Are you absolutely sure there isn't another woman/ family and all he tells you about his job is a pack of lies? I've seen too many of those stories in the media.

TwistinMyMelon · 29/10/2018 10:13

I just got out of a 2 year relationship. I lived with the man. I would never have dreamed of leaving me dd with him while I took a job abroad/offshore. ESPECIALLY if they had said they were not happy with it! He has children and pets. He cannot just drop his responsibility once some mug comes along! Especially as his poor kids have lost one parent already. He is a selfish twat and deserves all he gets. I feel sorry for his kids but that's on him, not the op.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/10/2018 11:06

Wow - just seen this.
Well done OP.
He's a selfish asshole!
Time for you.
Find someone with far less baggage.
Or be single. I love it!

Original poster
Kitten76 · 29/10/2018 11:07

@beanaseireann I do think he is working as he says he is and hasn't got another family.
It'd weird because I feel guilty for moving out, even though he changed the dynamic

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten76 · 29/10/2018 11:08

@TwistinMyMelon Exactly, but it feels like the job is more important than me

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten76 · 29/10/2018 11:09

@hellsbellsmelons I am definitley going to be single for a while, if not forever!! I really don't pick good men.

OP posts:
EK36 · 29/10/2018 11:11

Good luck with the flat viewings today OP.

TwistinMyMelon · 29/10/2018 11:21

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. I accept that I need to put her needs first! I would love to go off gallivanting or move away, but I have to accept that she has her school here, her dad, her GPs, so I til she is old enough to move out/go to uni etc, my life choices will be focussed around her needs. He still has a 15 year old CHILD, ffs! Christ I definitely needed my parents at that age. HE is the one that has abandoned them and let them down massively. Plus I have made the decision not to keep pets as they are a responsibility and restrict what you do. He has spent all his life being able to have the privilege of children and pets by installing various women in his life to take the responsibility so he can carry on doing what he likes. In fact it is all too common, sod women "having it all", it is mostly men who get to do that.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 29/10/2018 11:27

Exactly, but it feels like the job is more important than me

Which is bad enough and you are absolutely doing the right thing getting out of there but, at the risk of being melodramatic, the fact that the job is more important than his own bereaved children speaks volumes about the man.

Swipe left for the next trending thread