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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 28/10/2018 21:46

For the love of sweet zombie Jebus, don't back down or listen to his bull honky OP.

Get your flat, fuck him off, stay single.or find better.

Shriekingbanshee · 28/10/2018 22:57

It makes more sense for a DM to do it. She's their gm and can step up, but he's still a shite f. Those boys, he's not given them a second thought. I have to think his poor departed exw too, probably led a dogs life.

Sethis · 28/10/2018 23:00

Just caught up.

How the fuck does he have no money if he works on rigs and boats? There are literally no outgoings there. None. Aside from whatever he's using to pay off his debts, his entire salary should be sitting in his pocket, yet he still wants you to pay for his kids and his dogs?

What? Bugger THAT for a game of soldiers.

Congratulations on getting the fuck out of that. Jesus. The phrase 'not my circus, not my monkeys' comes to mind. Especially if the 18yr old can't even cook simple meals, can't look after dogs, and dropped out of A-levels...

Notaprimeminister · 29/10/2018 01:48

Oh my goodness. So glad you are getting out.

Weezol · 29/10/2018 02:41

Hope the viewing goes well. You are rocking this!

Some of my favourite things about it just being me:

Things still being exactly where I left them

The 'naice' food I bought for myself is still in the fridge when I look

Seeing the bottom of the laundry basket

The 99% reduction in emotional labour

Toothpaste not being squeezed in the middle

Not having to keep dvds etc. in alphabetical order

tartantroosers · 29/10/2018 03:24

Just read the whole thread. Unbelievable. Good luck today, OP

Original poster
Kitten76 · 29/10/2018 06:13

Thanks guys.
Feeling really anxious today.

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 29/10/2018 07:05

Understandable you feel anxious today Kitten, but it's short term anxiety for long term relief. This situation cannot go on as you know damn well. You can't sacrifice your life to facilitate this selfish twunt.

Rip the plaster off and take the steps to freedom Flowers

Ahardknocklife · 29/10/2018 07:35

Wow. I'm sorry you're going through this am I the only one seeing 2 sides to this story? You stated it was pretty much financially convenient for you in the original post (inconvenience of moving out and expensive rent), yes you have new used as a baby and dog sitter... therefore convenient for him. But come off it. For those posters not familiar with offshore work. He potentially cannot fly back... normally the boat is back to work asap and all personnel are on standby on shore with full instructions not to go too far and not to drink. Whilst the vessels not working it's losing money. Yes he gets his food cooked and his cabin cleaned offshore but thus ain't a cruise liner. Offshore is the toughest sometimes loneliest job ever. You've just dumped a bombshell on him when he will be heading offshore and cannot do anything. Do you realise how tough that is for him mentally??

I do agree he is selfish. He has made his bed and should lie in it. Money wide yes he could be get to g excellent money but it sounds like he is doing 28/28 rotation and therefore would only be paid 1 month in 2. The advantage being you get him home for 4 weeks in 8???

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 29/10/2018 07:37

@Kitten76 try not to pin all your hopes on this flat today. Your plan doesn't depend on THIS flat, it depends on A flat.

If you don't like it, keep looking. Either way, it means you're further along the path to leaving the idiot behind.

Good luck x

RyderWhiteSwan · 29/10/2018 07:45

Keep thinking about his offering you a spa day. Yeah that makes it all fineHalloween HmmHalloween Grin

dontalltalkatonce · 29/10/2018 07:50

Do you realise how tough that is for him mentally??

Do you not realise he dropped a good shore job with good salary and car for this so-called 'dream job' with no thought at all whatsoever for his kids, his girlfriend or his dogs? He dropped the OP in it. So, well, taste of his own medicine. Diddums.

MyOtherProfile · 29/10/2018 07:59

@Ahardknocklife Wow! His choice all the way and his consequences. Not the OPs choice or consequences.

Ahardknocklife · 29/10/2018 08:04

@dontalltalkatonce - yes I do realise that hence my comment about him making his bed and needing to lie in it.

@Myotherprofile yes agreed.

I just don't think it's as clear cut ad he is a bastard blah blah blah when actually he isn't off travelling a d enjoying life on a beach drinking cocktails. And should he not have gone offshore is it ok for OP to live in his home contributing minimal???

I just think there's 2 sides to the story. So OP what rotation is he working?? Is he away for 4 weeks or is he permanently offshore vessel/ rig jumping with only a couple of days home?? Each month??

Original poster
Kitten76 · 29/10/2018 08:05

@Ahardknocklife He hasn't got a proper rotation yet so he's away for 4 weeks, back for a week then out again.
I haven't dropped this bombshell overnight. I have spoken to him face to face and told him - even before he quit the onshore job - that I wasn't happy about it all. He had no reason to leave his other job other than it wasn't as exciting as he wants it to be.
He has responsibilities, his happiness is secondary to his children in my opinion.
He has said to me he is not prepared to give up the job and even his mum said he's choose the job over me. What am I supposed to do with that?
I didn't sign up for this and I am falling out of love as I rarely see him.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 29/10/2018 08:06

@Ahardknocklife he chose to go. He chose to give up his existing shore job. He chose to treat his partner like a drudge. He loves his job. He won't give it up under any circumstances. He's not really that upset about op going as he doesn't believe her. And most ex pats on ships and rigs and plants are in the cushier management jobs. As for lonely, there is plenty of socialising.

So don't give me that mentally tough speil .

And I speak someone who does have experience of being left behind in these exact circumstances.

Ahardknocklife · 29/10/2018 08:10

@kitten. Agreed this isn't what you signed up for and yes I do believe he is being selfish. I just believe in waiting to drop a bombshell on someone.

I've worked offshore and know how tough it can be on a person physically and mentally. Hence I can see it from both sides.

I gave up a job abroad to head home to be with my other half. Worst thing I ever done. Relationship failed.

Sometimes you just can't change a person.... they're selfish it's embedded in them.

I wish you good luck with your hunt for a home.

Yoksha · 29/10/2018 08:10

@Ahardknocklife. Are you his mother?

dontalltalkatonce · 29/10/2018 08:13

It's not a bombshell. He knew damn well how unhappy she was and didn't give a shit. Still doesn't. He's happy to ditch her at home with his kids and dogs and take money off her for that. He's still happy for that to go on. Because he doesn't give a shit.

Ahardknocklife · 29/10/2018 08:13

@butoitofpractice... plenty of social... some vessels are lucky to have a gym, there's definately no bar. You get a cinema room and Wi-Fi. Clients offices get the Luxury of posh coffee and chocolates.

Oh. On one vessel I was on the guys had made themselves a pool just under the helideck with some wood and plastic liner.

Yes all those luxuries you speak from being the partner of someone. I speak with actual experience.

dontalltalkatonce · 29/10/2018 08:14

*@Ahardknocklife. Are you his mother?

Exactly, York, it's just so tough, doing a job no one forces you to do. Heart-bleedingly so. That's just how the poor soul is, a selfish twat.

dontalltalkatonce · 29/10/2018 08:16

Break out the violins, folks, no gym or bar, 'posh' coffee or chocolate! Hardships (no pun intended) galore Hmm.

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2018 08:23

He has said to me he is not prepared to give up the job and even his mum said he's choose the job over me. What am I supposed to do with that?

Fine, so he choose the job over you and you choose life over him.

Those two - DP + mum - are hoist by their own petard.

He chooses his job over his kids too.

TatianaLarina · 29/10/2018 08:26

I the only one seeing 2 sides to this story?

No you’re the only one to spectacularly miss the fucking point.

HiHoToffee · 29/10/2018 08:29

Hardship for a guy who choose to do his dream job Hmm
At least he has wifi to sort out his child and dog care responsibilities whilst 'reflecting' in the cinema room.

Good luck today kitten