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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
fuzzyduck1 · 28/10/2018 17:11

You say you pay towards the mortgage you don’t what you are doing is paying rent !
If when his kids are old enough he can just kick you out and you will be left with nothing.

dontalltalkatonce · 28/10/2018 17:12

No more rent, either. Just cancel the debit. He'll then respond with get out of my house, which you hopefully will have by then.

dontalltalkatonce · 28/10/2018 17:13

If when his kids are old enough he can just kick you out and you will be left with nothing.

His kids are old enough. And even if they weren't, he could still boot her out with nowt at his own will.

lifebegins50 · 28/10/2018 17:14

I suspect he is so self centred that he doesn't know what he has done. You aren't supposed to have needs, just be happy with what he decides ia acceptable.

He doesn't understand mutuality in a relationship..it means nothing to him. You are just an individual who could slot into his life and have use to him.I guess its his view of women, you are supposed to be happy tending to his home and children.

dontalltalkatonce · 28/10/2018 17:17

Just keep that in mind, Kitten, you have no right to even stay in that house. At all. He can tell you to leave and you have to go. When you're in a tenancy agreement, they can't do that without due process. You have fewer rights than a lodger or tenant, and are paying for that, plus providing services worth far more than any lodger would be paying.

Worriedmummybekind · 28/10/2018 17:17

How desperately sad for those boys. There was a thread on here a week or so ago about how their lives fell apart after their mum died as a child, and this certainly lives up to the script.

Poor kids. Sincerely hope someone steps up to parent them. 15 and 18 is not old enough to be left alone in my book.

dontalltalkatonce · 28/10/2018 17:19

Sincerely hope someone steps up to parent them.

Yes, like their father.

notapizzaeater · 28/10/2018 17:19

He won't see he's down anything wr8ng 😢

redastherose · 28/10/2018 17:21

How about saying

'You decamped and took a job without any discussion with or agreement from me leaving behind your kids, dogs and house to be looked after and I've been paying you for the privilege...that's what you've done wrong! So now I'm sorting myself and my life out to suit me because that is exactly what you did.'

Then leave. Keep in touch with his kids if you want but leave this pathetic excuse for a man in your rear view mirror.

ChasedByBees · 28/10/2018 17:21

He should have been paying you to make up for all of his responsibilities you’re covering. He’s quite happy to give you all his responsibilities, swan off and take money off you and he doesn't know what he’s done wrong? Hmm

Marketbarga1n1 · 28/10/2018 17:21

It is sad that the mother died and the father has not taken up responsibility for his children. Teenagers should really be able to cook, clean, do laundry, walk dogs, but without encouragement from a parent or grand parent they may struggle. It sounds like he needs to pay a house keeper. I agree these are not your children or animals and you are therefore free to leave and start a new life - full of spa days and more ! His entitlement is out standing !

Worriedmummybekind · 28/10/2018 17:21

dontalltalkatonce - I suspect that won’t happen :-(

Littlechocola · 28/10/2018 17:21

Don’t you dare listen to any ‘promises’ he makes op! He will tell you he will hand in his notice, that you are being selfish/cruel, wait until after Christmas etc. Don’t listen!

yetmorecrap · 28/10/2018 17:21

in his eyes he may well not have done wrong because he has zero empathy as to the position he has put you in , some people are exceptionally self centred when it comes to using people, and charging you is just the absolute icing on the cake.

dontalltalkatonce · 28/10/2018 17:28

Funny how he's going to afford this spa day when he has you handing money over to his kids as he 'can't afford it' or to come home when he's off for 5 days because he 'can't afford it'. Bet he was planning to afford it with the rent you pay him.

The thing is, he can tell you to leave at any time. So you're getting ahead of the game and seeing this flat and being proactive. Good on you.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 28/10/2018 17:29

@redastherose I've just sent that message you wrote - tailored a bit with more I wanted to say.
I honesty believe he has no idea what he's doing is shitty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten76 · 28/10/2018 17:32

I'll hate to leave the boys and the dogs, but I can't be an unpaid housekeeper feeling like I'm single!

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 28/10/2018 17:33

Do not fall for his excuses and bollocks promises, Kitten. He's full of it. He flat out told you he wasn't going to change jobs. He is charging you rent on a place where you have no right to stay. It's pointless engaging with him. 'Game over. I'm out.' And then start arranging to move your stuff out whilst he's away. If you were my daughter I'd happily step over all your boxes to get you away and from what you've written your mother already has the measure of him.

dontalltalkatonce · 28/10/2018 17:35

And you are not just the unpaid housekeeper, you are paying for this - rent, insurance, TV license, looking after his dogs and kids, giving his kids money, buying food and on and on. Bet when you stop to tab it all up it's a fortune.

redastherose · 28/10/2018 17:38

@Kitten76 I've been following this thread for a while - glad to have helped. So pleased that you've seen the light about how disrespectful he has been to you. Definitely not a partner and frankly I think men like this do know exactly what they are doing. I think their sense of entitlement makes them believe that they can do whatever they want and you will just accept it because you're lucky to be allowed to share their lives! You're worth much more than the scraps he's been throwing you.

RandomMess · 28/10/2018 17:42

I'm sure the excuses and "poor me" will come pouring back from him Angry

dontalltalkatonce · 28/10/2018 17:46

And the what am I supposed to do? You can't just go with no notice! Blah blah blah. He's 46, not 16. And he could kick you out with no notice, for fuck that for a game of soldiers, too. He left without any notice.

Yoksha · 28/10/2018 17:54

I agree men like this do know exactly what they're doing. I believe people who manifest an unhealthy sense of entitlement don't have thought processes that allow them to think of the negative impact on others.

The mum's attitude re the sons lift to the airport gives us a hint how these selfish dynamics develope.

You're strong OP. I hope it turns out well for you.

These people can't survive with the collective mindset of Mumsnet behind an individual needing support.

Flowers
dontalltalkatonce · 28/10/2018 17:58

Just picture it: after a long shift at work, you come home to your tidy and clean flat, cook up a nice meal just for you, wash up just for you, put your feet up and pour a glass of wine and watch Corrie. No going out in the dark and freezing cold walking his big dogs and picking up their shit, then making dinner for three and cleaning it all up, too. Single person's CT discount, only have to pay contents insurance, buy food for one, no throwing money to people.

Honeyroar · 28/10/2018 18:10

I hope you told him what he's done, so there's no excuse. "Well you fucked off to a working away job leaving me to completely hold the fort, do all childcare, housework and pet care - and letting me pay for the privilege, while knowing full well I wasn't impressed and refusing to even think about leaving your "dream job". And you think a spa will make up for that! You're nearly as useless as a boyfriend as you are as a father!". That should sum it up!