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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Thatstheendofmytether · 27/10/2018 21:56

I feels sorry for the boys. Mum dies, uprooted to live with dad who then fucks off, now their main carer is fucking off too. I know that's not helpful OP and it's not your responsibility or what you signed up for bit it will be a bit of a shock to the system for them to come back from a holiday and they have to start fending for themselves.

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 22:02

All entirely their dad's fault. He's the one who treated her so shitty. Had a good thing going with the OP, she was even paying him rent, but he got worse and worse. There's a reason he's been divorced a couple of times.

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 22:03

He's still got the option of stepping up.

BengalLioness · 27/10/2018 22:21

I really do feel for you. He is completely using you. What a prick. I feel for his kids as well.
You need to do what's best for you. Keep us updated 

Original poster
Kitten76 · 27/10/2018 22:45

I will keep you all up to date. The advice and support over these last couple of days has been incredible

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 22:58

You deserve so much more than this, Kitten. Really hope you get free of this guy.

BestestBrownies · 27/10/2018 23:00

Rooting for you Kitten76 Flowers

Time to get your life back

Original poster
Kitten76 · 27/10/2018 23:19

Thank you 😊 💖

OP posts:
butterfly56 · 27/10/2018 23:53

@Kitten76 Move to your mum's if need be!...but do it ASAP!!

Don't stay there a minute longer than you have to.

His mother can move in and take care of her grandchildren(seeing as she now seems to be giving you orders from selfish arsehole of a son) until the useless p.o.s decides to come back to look after his own DCs.

You have been taken for a massive ride there but you can learn from this to always put yourself first in future and don't let anyone else take advantage of your good nature.

Good Luck OP because you deserve so much better Flowers

Hazardswan · 28/10/2018 00:04

Defo get out before he gets back, he doesn't sound like a nice man at all and you sound lovely.

Mums exist for a reason and I bet she would rather you were with her for a few weeks then living with that indivdual.

TooMuchTidying · 28/10/2018 01:49

Wow what a dick. Good for you.

KeiTeNgeNge · 28/10/2018 08:11

Good luck with your viewings

AdoreTheBeach · 28/10/2018 08:48

Hi OP
Hope all went well with the airport run.
Today may be a good day to start packing up your things, ready to move out.

Being the kids are gone for the week and out of the way (emotionally at least).
Have you thought about your exit strategy?
Just leaving and texting him you’re gone, not coming back?
Maybe messaging DP after securing the flat (or decamping to your DM temporarily) that you’ll be moving out during the course of the week, he’ll need to sort out the dogs and collecting the boys upon arrival back to the UK?

Do you plan to give him time to sort out leave or getting his DM on board to step up or let him know once you’ve moved out?
Moving out while the kids are gone may be less emotional for you.

Do you plan to message the boys to let them know things are over with their father and you’ve left or do you plan to move out while they’re around?

Just thinking practicalities, might be easier (IMHO) all around if you move out while they’re away.

Shinesweetfreedom · 28/10/2018 10:01

I think you are lovely op and I am cheering you on.Do not forget redirection of mail.You need to do that before you go.You could even redirect to your mum before you find a place.I think they send a card to the old address first to confirm you want this so you need to be there to send that.

SandyY2K · 28/10/2018 12:03

I pray you get out of this relationship because he's planned this career change and needed you to make it happen.

He's a big user and I'm glad you've seen him for what he is.

His children are his responsibility, not yours. If he wants to keep his job, his kids can live with his mother. The 18 year old should be able to live alone.

anniegranny · 28/10/2018 12:05

Good luck kitten 💐 xxx

BaldricksCoffee · 28/10/2018 15:17

now their main carer is fucking off too
She isn't their main carer, (they're 18 and 15, not 8 and 5) she is their dad,s girlfriend who has been living in their house for a relatively short while, and who has been dumped in it by her partner, who has sodded off to work abroad, leaving her in charge without her agreement.

JuliaJaynes9 · 28/10/2018 16:07

If OP leaves just as he comes home
I'd be inclined to do that, just drop him right in it

fuzzyduck1 · 28/10/2018 16:58

My ex kept threatening to leave me and the kids.

Let me make this clear they were her kids not mine and she expected me to look after them.
My usual response was where do you want me to drop the kids off?
Get out of there. He didn’t want a new partener he wanted a free nanny for his kids /dogs. When he goes offshore again tak the kids to see there gran and just move out.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 28/10/2018 17:04

I've told him I want to leave and I plan to.
He says he doesn't know what he's done wrong.
He's trying to bribe with a spa day

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 28/10/2018 17:05

I'd be inclined to be all but moved out apart from basic stuff (toothbrush etc) On the morning he's due home just leave after seeing to the kids / dogs. Be gone when he gets home. He's got 4 weeks then to sort his shit out.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/10/2018 17:06

A spa day. That's how much he values you op. A spa day.

dontalltalkatonce · 28/10/2018 17:08

Oh, fuck him off! He doesn't know what he's done wrong? If he's got his head that far up his arse he's not worth giving a second thought to. Move all your stuff out bar the basics whilst he's away (he's off till Wed. and CBA'd to get on a ferry to come see you) and then be gone when he gets back. He's a weapons grade cunt. Don't bother discussing with him anymore, it's farting into the wind.

dontalltalkatonce · 28/10/2018 17:10

Btw, he knows damn well what he's done wrong, he doesn't give a shit and wants to keep you doing his bidding, hence, go on a spa day and shut up. Fuck him.

MulticolourMophead · 28/10/2018 17:11

He knows exactly what he's done wrong, he simply doesn't care. And a spa day? You'll be able to afford your own when you don't pay him that £200 this month.

OP, keep your eyes on that better future you have coming, one where you're not treated like the skivvy.