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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 27/10/2018 17:24

I am not sure why anyone would be ‘rushing’ the OP out the door, I think ducks in a row is very sensible, sort somewhere to live first, then redirect Mail, , put stuff in storage if needs be, don’t pay the bugger any cash, make sure you have all documents that are personal, That kind of thing. Yep they can probably just go their mothers but most women in their 40s really don’t see that as a good option because they have ‘stuff’ and lots of it in many cases. It’s not as if he is making it intolerable, he isn’t there!! So I personally would make sure I stayed put and rent free and went for the best place I could asap, not just virtually doing a moonlight flit

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 17:34

She pays the man £200/month in rent. I don't think he'd take it very well if she told him she was going to stop doing that. At any rate, if the flat viewing goes well she would be out in no time, she seems to be working towards that end herself. I wonder if he expects the rent paying on the first of the month.

Hazardswan · 27/10/2018 18:04

Crossing my fingers for Monday's viewing OP. Flowers

BrendasUmbrella · 27/10/2018 18:28

I'm glad this thread has woken you up to how badly you are being used. Not even a free child and dog sitter but one who pays for the privilege. His DM probably has a lot of early starts ahead of her once you move out...

Dodie66 · 27/10/2018 18:36

Another one her who thinks he might not be working on a ship or rig. Are you sure that’s where he is? He might just have another family somewhere

AsleepAllDay · 27/10/2018 19:11

Fuck's sake, everyone keeps posting about the dogs but they're not OP's responsibility. She has said there is an 18 year old in the house who can walk and feed them. As long as they have food and water and human care they will be okay.

It's OP who needs to sort out where to move to & how to start her life again that's more important

AsleepAllDay · 27/10/2018 19:13

And as for the kids, they have a living father to come & be their parent. You have no idea what the man can do if he gets the heads up that OP is leaving.

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 20:02

About the ddog thing.
Both DC going away, irresponsible of OP to leave two ddogs to fend for themselves die
I'm not saying she would do that, but its only reasonable to not leave two innocent animals to suffer, as it seems the boys can't be arsed to take care of them anyway, I imagine they have enough shit going on living in that chaos.
If OP secured flat on Monday, or went to stay at DMs then ddogs are her responsibility to see fair play. They are his, yes, but they can't help themselves can they and I don't see what the problem is in mentioning their welfare in the mix of everything else.

Certainly not to the extent of having a go at at well-meaning pp for.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 27/10/2018 20:04

Drop the dog at his mums. Problem solved.

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 20:05

She said his mother will take them. She texts the lady and tells her to take the dogs. It would be utter folly to turn down the flat on Monday because of the dogs, that aren't hers, and especially if this twat expects rent paying from her on the 1st of the month. She'd never see that £200 again.

Hazardswan · 27/10/2018 20:13

Do think if there's a joint account she should clear it or if not cash an expensive item from the house...

Or for shits and giggles take their bed so when he gets back he'll have to kip on the sofa.

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 20:15

Doing the latter two could be considered theft.

YearOfYouRemember · 27/10/2018 20:21

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 21:18

She, sorry OP, said the DM can't take this as I recall, hence concern.
Why all the in-fighting?

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 21:23

*ddogs/them, but definitely not 'this'

GreenTulips · 27/10/2018 21:26

Shriekingbanshee

Do you really think your normal average person would just leave a couple of dogs to suffer? Theirs or otherwise? People object to the constant twittering about a problem that doesn't exist.

If his DM can't physically take the dogs then she can pop round to let them out, she could put them in a shelter, she could find them a foster home, she could ring her DS to come home and sort his issues.

It's not OPs responsibility beyond letting her know or her X know - there is little else expected here.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 27/10/2018 21:33

Just to clarify - the dogs will not suffer. I will make sure they're ok. I'm a big animal lover and I love them

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten76 · 27/10/2018 21:34

There's no joint account. I wouldn't let him have access to my money!

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 27/10/2018 21:36

And again, his mum can move in and deal or keep an eye. I bet the 18 year old will step up if he HAS to. Why is everyone banging on about the dogs? The 18 and 15 year old can walk and feed them. School finishes at 4, latest, 15 year old will/can be home.

TatianaLarina · 27/10/2018 21:36

Hope you’re ok OP. Flowers

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 21:39

...and again, why all the in-fighting!!! The boys are away and OP has it covered. Can't ppl be concerned without all this attacking?!

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 21:40

banging on bit ott

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 21:44

You're in a good position to get out, Kitten, good on you for keeping your money separate. Fact is, if you don't tow his line, he could tell you to just get out of his house and you'd have to go, so best to bail under your own terms. Life is so much better when you're not being used as someone's dust rag/skivvy.

penisbeakers · 27/10/2018 21:49

Fuck that noise. I'd be out of there.

Honeyroar · 27/10/2018 21:51

If OP leaves just as he comes home then looking after the dogs (and boys) won't be a problem- he will be home to do it himself and organise things for when he goes back, and if he can't organise care for everything he will just have to stay...