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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 14:29

OP, if I were you, I'd already be packing, put the stuff in storage and live with your mum until you get a flat because this self-entitled twat will do anything to keep you sweet and keep his housekeeper who's paying him. Just get out.

The 18-year-old is lazy. He's old enough to be able to feed himself. He learned from his father that women are there to serve.

The dogs are not your responsibility, either, the 'boys' and his mum can handle them.

He'd have to pay for a flight himself and he can't afford it.

Sure he can. He just doesn't think you're worth a farthing. You're paying rent on a place where you have literally no right to live at all. He can tell you to get out and you'd have to go. A lodger has more rights.

People like him target women who are people pleasers with low self-esteem.

PLEASE do some work on your self-esteem and assertiveness before dating again.

You deserve so much more.

There is zero point discussing anything with him, he doesn't care.

Cancel all the debits.

'I've left. No more subsidising your life. You're a skinflint, entitled, selfish, irresponsible bastard. I never want to see you or speak to you again in my life so I'm now blocking. Do NOT attempt to contact me. We are through.'

The end.

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 14:33

What is it with men and their mums?

His mum thinks the sun shines out his arse.

Please get out whilst the kids are away. 'Boys, it's 3pm. I've had something come up with my mum and I need to stay at hers tonight so you need to get yourselves to the airport.' I mean, seriously?! I was living on my own abroad in a country where English wasn't the native language at 18, sorting my own shit.

Sorry, but I'd tell them they need to make their own way to the airport and get a hotel for the night.

And I'd be gone by the time they get back.

18 is an adult. Young, but an adult. Time to start learning how to boil fucking water.

yetmorecrap · 27/10/2018 14:39

Thing is kitten, many of us know how these things can ‘creep up’ on a relationship and once you are in it , then it came seem very awkward to get out of it. None of us start with these big lists of prick like behaviour or the intelligent ones amongst us wouldn’t be remotely interested in the first place, it tends to be a drip feed and18 months later you realise one day WTF am I doing!! I lived with a guy for 3 years between marriages, charming, fun, took me a year to realise he was a ‘champagne lifestyle, beer money wages’ kind of guy who rather liked my good job, income and an ability to keep him in an ok lifestyle and suddenly then started becoming controlling when he saw me I think trying to pull away.

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 14:46

mix my point exactly, as you wrote things to diss their f

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 14:55

I really do think in the light of his DMs treatment of you, you go away to your DMs if you can. I don't see any reason now why you shouldn't just leave them in the mess of their own making. How very fucking dare she come over to say that to you. She'll have to take them herself and look after the ddogs.
I am shook that all of them expect every thing to be your job! None of them able to do anything. What an entitled bunch, I wonder the DC don't view you as their live-in housekeeper too!
Did anyone actually 'ask' whether you wanted to spend this particular week looking after the ddogs when you could be off somewhere yourself, did they even ask if you would be around to help?

Wheres the money for their holiday s come from?
I do worry about who will look after the ddogs as they are all innocent in this.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 27/10/2018 15:02

I'd leave. He's using you and has no respect for you. That's not a relationship I'd want to be in. Did he want a partner or a house keeper because it seems you're the latter?

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 27/10/2018 15:14

Ooops sorry just caught up with the whole thread. I'm excited for you to be moving to a new place of your own. At 18 the eldest lad will be fine to sort out what is expected. At 18 I'd moved 300 miles from all friends and family and was financially independent functioning as an adult. I'm sure he can get to the airport himself. I feel really sorry for the boys given their dad is such a selfish arse, but in the cold light of day, they are not your responsibility. I can't fathom how a father to children who have lost their mother would think it acceptable to work away. He has orphaned his children. What a cunt.

PolkaDoting · 27/10/2018 15:32

So glad to hear you are getting out OP!

Miscible · 27/10/2018 15:37

Tell his mum that if she's that bothered about her grandsons being taken to the airport, she can do it because you've officially resigned as free taxi driver.

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 15:39

It sounds like the 18-year-old treats you the way his dad does.

TemptressofWaikiki · 27/10/2018 15:51

It sounds like the 18-year-old treats you the way his dad does. Yep, this in spades. I think that being kind, you are blindsided by sympathy and pity for the kids. But they are treating you like a live-in housekeeper too. Don’t wait for this guy to get back. Get out. I personally would be very wary about where he really is and who with. But rather than dwell on it, I would pawn everything that can be pawned to recoup all of the money you paid out and should have been paid as the live-in help to get a deposit for a new place together.

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 15:52

I wouldn't assume anything by their ages because it may well be they've had no preparation for life alone since losing their DM and being abandoned by their FW F

StorminaBcup · 27/10/2018 15:53

@ILoveOnionRings - that's confused me too! The shifts seem odd Confused

Stressedoverkids · 27/10/2018 15:54

@Kitten76 Tempting as it must be to tell them all to shove it where the Sun don't shine. There's a lot to be said for making sure you're Ducks are in a row first.

Sort yourself somewhere to live, make sure you have deposits and identity- passport? utility bill in your name? bank statement? post redirected etc and then proceed when it suits you.

Satisfying as it might be to escape at this stage - you definitely don't owe them anything but only do so if it's suits you.

dirtybadger · 27/10/2018 15:54

I feel sorry for the kids. They've lost their mum and now dad had fucked off too. It doesn't change what you have to do, but what an absolute shitbag of a father. His DM will presumably be able to step in anyway once you've left. They have someone about.

diddl · 27/10/2018 16:06

Why can't his mum take her GS's to the airport or sort out/pay for a taxi if they can't/won't?

Op really doesn't need "ducks in a row" does she?

She's not married to him & the kids & dogs aren't hers!

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 16:12

I wouldn't assume anything by their ages because it may well be they've had no preparation for life alone since losing their DM and being abandoned by their FW F

That's unfortunate but well, the time has come for them to start.

*Tempting as it must be to tell them all to shove it where the Sun don't shine. There's a lot to be said for making sure you're Ducks are in a row first.

Sort yourself somewhere to live, make sure you have deposits and identity- passport? utility bill in your name? bank statement? post redirected etc and then proceed when it suits you.

Satisfying as it might be to escape at this stage - you definitely don't owe them anything but only do so if it's suits you.*

RTFT. She doesn't need 'ducks in a row'. This man could turn her out tomorrow. She's living in his house with no security at all whatsoever. They're not married. She has a job, a car and a place to live short-term (her mother's). She could literally walk off whenever. She's sick of being used by him. Why on Earth would you advise anyone to stay put?

DishingOutDone · 27/10/2018 16:19

I'm not sure if I've missed this bit, have you told him you want to split up OP? I know you said you will let him know you are leaving once you have sorted out somewhere to go, but does he expect you to carry on with this, or does he have the idea that the end is imminent?

And what on earth did you say to his mum when she said you needed to get up early?! Can the boys do it by public transport if there's no car?

JuliaJaynes9 · 27/10/2018 16:19

He can’t have a calm conversation about about all this, he just gets angry about it
you would probably like a discussion between two people of equal standing about issues which affect you both with the aim of finding a mutually acceptable solution

for him this is a situation where a subordinate person (ie you) is challenging the authority of the person at the top of the hierarchy. Thats why he reacts aggressively and shuts you down, it's his way or no way as far as he is concerned.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 27/10/2018 16:29

Q

Stressedoverkids · 27/10/2018 16:40

Gosh I was just advising OP not to make herself intentionally homeless. Obviously she can stay with her mother but surely that's a very short term option. I wasn't advising her to stay just to get a flat and pay the deposit first!

I will leave this thread. Obviously no room on it for any opinion other than what @dontalltalkatonce says.

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 16:55

Gosh I was just advising OP not to make herself intentionally homeless.

Why not? She doesn't need council housing. She can stay with her mum until she finds another place to live Hmm.

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 17:11

Dontall well harsh, and what if they fail, fall flat on their faces, potentially still grieving loss of DM, abandoned by f, gm doing nowt but issuing orders to someone they all think of a 'paying' house-mate/keeper.
DS 15 is doing exam syllabus. 18 yr old dropped out, yeah, give them a big shove out on their own. I wouldn't be treating my teens this way, they enjoy being independent but because they've had a parent who cares they can cook and sort themselves but they're not up for doing ddog duties or being shoved out to get on with it, despite having jobs and so on. It's just not their responsibility and already clearly struggling.

Sorry you felt you had to leave you were good support for OP stressed

JuliaJaynes9 · 27/10/2018 17:14

RTFT. She doesn't need 'ducks in a row
yes she does, we all do!
'Get your ducks in a row' just means get things organised in advance and is good advice for many situations

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 17:22

She has a place to go. She's tired of being used by this person. His family treat her like shit, too. She had funds and a car. She's an adult who's decided to leave. Shrieking, their father needs to step up. Because the fact is they are not the OPs kids, she is not married to him and he can turn around and tell her to get out at any time and she'd have to go. He could turf her out without a second thought and completely remove himself and his kids from her life. She's not their parent, she's a housekeeper who's paying him for the privilege and says the 18-year-old is, unsurprisingly, lazy. She can't discuss anything about the situation with this man because he gets angry. He's not a partner, just a user.

The scales have fallen from her eyes and she's leaving. Good!