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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 27/10/2018 11:46

You said earlier that his Mum would have them.

Have the boys gone on holiday yet?

BitOutOfPractice · 27/10/2018 11:52

Well that's great news!

JingsMahBucket · 27/10/2018 11:55

@FishesThatFly the boys have already left for Spain for a week. By the time OP likely gets a place to stay and all her stuff moved, the boys will probably be back. They can take care of their own dogs. This really is not as much of a big deal as you and other PPs making it. Dealing with the dogs doesn’t really have to be a priority for the OP.

insancerre · 27/10/2018 11:59

Hope the viewing goes well

CrazyDuchess · 27/10/2018 12:08

Well done OP - to echo other comments here he has totally taken advantage of you but I am so glad you are finding your way out!

Yoksha · 27/10/2018 12:12

OP I'd start the ball rolling re foster care for the dogs until he can deal with them. I remember a thread where a poster was given an ultimatum from her mother to find a new home for the mum's huskie. She couldnt, time was against the poster, and the dog was destroyed at the vet's by the mother. It was heartbreaking.

How long until the sons return from Spain? Is it possible to start enquiries and allow the lads to discuss how you'll move ahead with the dogs? Just a thought.

RandomMess · 27/10/2018 12:17

Op doesn't need to sort out foster care for the dogs! Her STBX can do that himself, he has easy access to a phone and his eldest is 18!!! They can sort something out between them...

Original poster
Kitten76 · 27/10/2018 12:32

The dogs won't be destroyed. The 18yo only has a part time job after dropping out of A Levels so he has time to walk them and feed them. He just chooses not to because he's lazy.

OP posts:
Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 12:33

Please don't tell him you're going, no letters, heads up.
Do make sure you are not implicated in any of his debts. If it's only ins and tv you can transfer to new home
It's gonna be awful for the boys, you obvs care about them, it doesn't mean the end for you and them, just a different home for you
The consequences for the ddogs could be death, so I do understand others worries for the ddogs, it would be inhumane to just do nothing if that would be the outcome, but there's no reason for them to have to go anywhere is there? And although his DM can't have them, she can take on some of the care for them maybe, with walking, and general overseeing.
Good luck for your viewing Monday!! That's awesome something has come up so quick.
Oh what a lovely day for him in Ostend

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 12:35

Update:
The consequences for the ddogs could be death, so I do understand others worries for the ddogs, it would be inhumane to just do nothing if that would be the outcome, but there's no reason for them to have to go anywhere is there? And although his DM can't have them, she can take on some of the care for them maybe, with walking, and general overseeing

Mix56 · 27/10/2018 12:35

Hope the flat search is a success.
I hope you manage to talk this through gently with the boys, & GM, that you weren't hired to be a live in carer, & that you actually are doing it & subsidizing him. As much as you like them, they are not your responsibility & with DH away, there is no justification for you to continue to be his slave.

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 12:36

Shoot!
This:
The consequences for the ddogs could be death, so I do understand others worries for the ddogs, it would be inhumane to just do nothing if that would be the outcome, but there's no reason for them to have to go anywhere is there? And although his DM can't have them, she can take on some of the care for them maybe, with walking, and general overseeing

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 12:39

Mix that is not talking it through gently! None of that about their f.
It's only about kitten and his DS, she cannot slate their f and then leave!
They are not involved and it should stay that way, just that their relationship can carry on with OP somewhere else,they can visit, she will call and see how they are, if that's how you feel OP

TatianaLarina · 27/10/2018 12:39

To be pedantic you don’t need a flight from Ostend you just need to get on a ferry.

At first he seemed selfish but he’s basically just outright abusive.

God knows where all his money is going, if he doesn’t have drug, alcohol, gambling, sex worker habits he’s simply financially abusing the OP and hoarding his money somewhere.

Lizzie48 · 27/10/2018 12:54

There's no reason why boys of 18 and 15 can't take care of two dogs themselves. And while they're away, Grandma can dog sit.

JuliaJaynes9 · 27/10/2018 12:59

This man has no scruples
if I was in your shoes OP I would be prepared for the possibility that he will use his children (and the dogs if he thinks it will work) as weapons to punish you or try and get you back

Shriekingbanshee · 27/10/2018 13:02

It very much depends on the 'boys' I reckon.

I'm sure not mine would take this role responsibly and why should they, they should have their heads full of what they want from their life, with support from a parent and their gm, hopefully, but certainly they can do their bit and learn to take some responsibility; cos it sounds like its long overdue if they are not even cooking for themselves at all yet, or taking their share of household chores, but right now, they are gonna be struggling to wonder who the hell does care once OP goes so long as they know her lack of care isn't the reason.

I am sure they are probably quite aware but really don't need to hear it

Yoksha · 27/10/2018 13:07

I understand the dogs are not the OP's ultimate responsibility. I get that. The reason I suggested it was because the more I read about the twat evolving from selfish to abusive. The more concerned I am about him becoming a total mind fuck. Two ex's. Army twat. Swans off despite 2 boys. No concern for OP. He'll fucking explode. I've seen this with my Dd2's husband. Buys 2 high maintenance dogs, and Dd2 has the lion's share looking after them. Never mind her career. Oh no! Swans off abroad at the drop of a hat. He sounds dandy, and no, I'm not projecting frustration. Just trying to help OP empower herself.

onedayiwillmissthis · 27/10/2018 13:14

Why are some posters so quick to take a pop at soldiers? Oh...he was in the army at one time...so let's have a go at 'army twats'. FFS!

OP's 'partner' sounds like a selfish twat ok...but quit with negative labelling of military personnel.

Smallhorse · 27/10/2018 13:24

Glad you are getting things sorted OP.
NONE OF IT is your responsibility.

yetmorecrap · 27/10/2018 13:46

OP, the simple fact is this isn’t what you ‘signed up’ for. He has a damn cheek and you sound lovely, these type of guys always seem to find a ‘lovely’ kind woman to dump on. I think really what the young adults need is a capable live in au pair if their dad really won’t step up. They are at an age when that should be sufficient and ideally one who likes dogs. I would leave an au pair agency list on the table when you go. He isn’t a partner, he is acting like a single guy who lucked out when he found someone who would actually pay him for the priveledge of being a housekeeper and dog carer. If this is the life he wants, then do be it but he needs to make satisfactory paid arrangements for his responsibilities. It is weird too that he has no money, he either has an absolute shit load of debt or some real nasty vices that swallow cash, I don’t think either make him good partner material. If this was your DH of say 10 years and these were truly your stepsons then I would think he was a selfish pig but it needed discussing but he isn’t, he has dumped all this on what is a relative short relationship.

ILoveOnionRings · 27/10/2018 13:57

HI Op - If you can say, what does he actually do? When you first mentioned off shore I presumed on oil rigs but then you said he was on a boat? The reason I am asking, oil rig work in the North Sea is a 3 week on 3 week off rota, further abroad can be a month on month off, his dates and timings seem off.

If he has already gone and won't be back until the end of November, it is odd that he is not here for Christmas, may have to go back around New Years Eve. I think I am trying to imply I don't actually believe him. Also offshore oilrig work pays an absolute fortune. Saying that any work, where the basics are provided for whilst you are working would mean there must be money for when you are home - it is not adding up at all (to me that is)

Mix56 · 27/10/2018 14:20

banshee, In IMHO, the OP is more than correct to leave, she doesn't have to Diss their father, I think its only humane that she tries to leave in a kind way

confusedmomm · 27/10/2018 14:27

What have I just read?! OP good on you for lining up viewings. Good luck with them. You sound lovely, he sounds like a totally disrespectful selfish person.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 27/10/2018 14:28

Thanks all, I am really realising how much I am being used.

He can’t have a calm conversation about about all this, he just gets angry about it.

Tomorrow I’m taking the boys to the airport in his car. His car has a flat battery which he knew was a possibility. Lo and behold, it’s flat.

So had to be brutal with the 18yo and tell him he needs to do it. More stress for me!

Now his mum has come over and told me I NEED be up early to make sure the car works. She seems to think this is my responsibility too. What is it with men and their mums?

OP posts: