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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2018 10:18

Yes, away for Christmas and NY does make you wonder which family he's spending that with.

Do you actually mean 'offshore' OP, as in oil rig or boat? Or, 'abroad'?

Juells · 27/10/2018 10:20

Yup, I've mentioned that too. It's a very real possibility that he's even more of a CF than appears on the surface - and that's bad enough. But I think the reality will prove to be much worse. :(

LittleBookofCalm · 27/10/2018 10:21

No point in raising that issue about a possible secret family, this is the op's life, not some detective series Angry

Cuttingthegrass · 27/10/2018 10:29

Bloody hell. Those poor boys. Can’t believe his audacity in you paying him! So your £200 plus CT, child benefit, amd his wage and he has no money. Yeah right Confused

He should be paying you

Treacletoots · 27/10/2018 10:32

Good good. If need be go lodge for a couple of months. Just to get yourself out of there!

HiHoToffee · 27/10/2018 10:35

I think a second family is unlikely, he is just a selfish man spending money on drink, bets, women etc. Maybe book a STD check to be on the safe side.

Glad to hear you have your mum for support. And be happy is staying in Ostend, you don't want him home messing with your head.

MyOtherProfile · 27/10/2018 10:42

Maybe you need to put it in writing to him with bullet points so he can see it in lack and white.

  • your boys have no parent here
  • they need money for things
  • paying for food for the boys and pets is your responsibility
  • who do you think the boys should spend Christmas with?
  • no you're not enough for me because you're never here

I'm sure I've missed several extra points.

JuliaJaynes9 · 27/10/2018 10:44

Pretty feckless isn't he!

Juells · 27/10/2018 10:46

Maybe you need to put it in writing to him with bullet points so he can see it in lack and white.

When I thought about doing something like that with my soon-to-be-ex, friends quite rightly said to me "It's not your job to set him right, he doesn't want to change".

Everything suits the OP's not-so-DP right now, the best she can do is run.

JuliaJaynes9 · 27/10/2018 10:52

This aren't 'I enough for you' phrase, he thinks he's such a catch that you ought to be grateful just to be his partner 'on paper' regardless of the fact that it's not really a partnership or a relationship which is any in any way fulfilling or enjoyable for you

you should be happy just because you've got a man, happy that he wants you in his life albeit as a slave to do his donkey work while he swans off pursuing his career and investing time and effort in himself.
He's the star of his show and you should be grateful for this bit part

Joboy · 27/10/2018 10:54

I would leave you can take tv licence with you . The dogs go to his mum . I would phone SS for kids . The 18 could take over the care the kids but would need house and money for youngest .

GloomyMonday · 27/10/2018 10:55

What a great thread. You sound brilliant op. Talk to the boys, send the dogs off to family or kennels, cancel the bills you pay for, and go. What a dick.

JingsMahBucket · 27/10/2018 11:07

Why on earth do people keep banging on about the dogs? The dogs, just like the sons, are not the OP's responsibility and she shouldn't be morally or guiltily saddled with dealing with them. That's for her CF boyfriend to figure out, not her.

Besides, judging by how many times people have inquired about the dogs, it's pretty obvious they'll be fine because so many people care more about dogs than they do humans. They'll be able to find a place somewhere. OP comes first, before any animals or non-step children.

ohamIreally · 27/10/2018 11:09

The thing is he doesn't actually think it's his job to parent these boys.
Like many men he divorced the mother of his children but expected them to be fully looked after by her whilst he was free to live his own life.
It's only due to the extreme misfortune of her death that they live with him and I expect that he was astounded that he was expected to be main carer - I imagine nothing in his previous life had led him to anticipate that.
So he gets a new woman and in his mind that's it: job done. Free to resume where he left off. What he hasn't factored in is that whereas a man can bugger off and leave the mother of his children and there's nothing she can do about it, she's legally obliged to care for those children regardless of whether he deigns to pay child maintenance, in this case the OP has no obligation and he will find himself in hot water if he simply abandons them.
Or in all likelihood some other woman will step in such as his mother to relieve him of his burden.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/10/2018 11:09

Those poor boys.

Well done, OP, you need to leave him. You should write him a letter with a table. In column A write ‘Your responsibilities’, in Column B write ‘People you’ve dumped them on’ in column C write ‘Person who should action this’.

Column A - list everything out from house insurance to teaching children to cook
Column B - either people who have stepped up or ‘no one - this needs action’
Column C - ‘You must take responsibility’

He should thank you for setting his life out. But he will just continue to Run Away.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 27/10/2018 11:10

@lottiegarbanzo he's on a boat this time. Sometimes it's a rig

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 27/10/2018 11:13

It's important to explain to the kids why you are leaving. Otherwise they might think it is their fault, that they have done something wrong or that you do not like them. Also be aware of projecting your anger towards him onto them. All I'm saying is be mindful of the impact of this breakup on two teens, and to not do it in a sudden or frightening way if that can be avoided.

Yoksha · 27/10/2018 11:17

Surely the 'partner' Has communication with his mother? If the OP is speaking about dogs with her, she'll relay this to her son!

timeisnotaline · 27/10/2018 11:31

Also, the op has said the boys grandmother can take the dogs. Agree the boys are more important!

FishesThatFly · 27/10/2018 11:37

OP - have you contacted his mum about taking the dogs. Make this a priority today as you might find she won't actually want them either and if you do find somewhere to live, you don't want the dogs scuppering that.

FishesThatFly · 27/10/2018 11:41

If she does agree to have the digs, then don't delay them going to hers, otherwise she might change her mind and again you'll be stuck

JingsMahBucket · 27/10/2018 11:41

@FishesThatFly they aren't the OP's dogs! They belong to her boyfriend and the boyfriend's sons. She has no reason to take them anywhere with her.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/10/2018 11:43

So do you ever ask him "how come you have no money?"

Original poster
Kitten76 · 27/10/2018 11:43

His mom won't be allowed to have them where she lives.
It's up to him. He bought the dogs well before I came along.
He'll have to give up his job.

I am viewing a flat on Monday!

OP posts:
FishesThatFly · 27/10/2018 11:43

I agree - but they need to be looked after somewhere and getting them out of the house now will be one less thing for the OP to have to deal with.

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