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Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten76 · 27/10/2018 06:37

@vangoghsdog wow, you've been through similar. I'm glad you got out.
Weirdly he talked about dog boarding and me being the main carer! It's not the same guy is it?? Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten76 · 27/10/2018 06:41

In answer to the rent - I pay £200 pcm
But I buy food, animal food, give the boys bits of cash here and there, lend him money if he needs it, pay the house insurance and tv licence.
And despite the big pay he's supposed to get he's always out of cash! He kept trying to sell it to me as having all this money and the life we could have. So far nothing has changed, except I'm now single with tons of work and responsibilities I didn't sign up for. Angry

OP posts:
PristineCondition · 27/10/2018 06:49

What a nightmare
You’ve become the help Shock

AsleepAllDay · 27/10/2018 07:14

This is a horrible man and it's not a relationship - he's treating you like an unpaid housekeeper. You're giving so much more than you're getting

Original poster
Kitten76 · 27/10/2018 07:17

You're so right. My mum asked me what I actually get this from this relationship.
I told him I wasn't fulfilled and he said 'aren't I enough for you'
And he wonders why when he is home I go straight to sleep when we go to bed!

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 27/10/2018 07:18

And this isn't your partner - he's 'part' of your life but this isn't a partnership where you share the load & balance each other out. He's a cast iron cunt

Juells · 27/10/2018 07:36

Earlier in the thread I thought I was being unfairly suspicious, but now I absolutely believe that he set out to have this kind of relationship so he could offload his responsibilities.

Don't sell off anything from his house, he could have you done for theft. Just leave him to sort out his own mess.

FishesThatFly · 27/10/2018 07:40

@Kitten76 - what is the plan of action?

You've contacted estate agents. What about the dogs? They need to be sorted and moved asap.

PipGoesPop · 27/10/2018 07:46

LTB

lillylollylandy · 27/10/2018 07:54

Good luck OP, in awe of how determined you are to get this sorted out!

Miscible · 27/10/2018 07:56

I told him I wasn't fulfilled and he said 'aren't I enough for you'

Is he dim? Surely he can work out that the answer to that is "Not when you're halfway across the world, no".

BitOutOfPractice · 27/10/2018 07:57

I'd be interested to know where his money's going op. W GeV you say "offshore " do you mean actually a rig or a plant abroad?

Valasca · 27/10/2018 08:00

Unfortunately, that’s to make OP think she’s being hard work and he’s doing his absolute best but it’s just not enough for her.
It’s a great way to keep her in place, as the OP has just realised.

anniehm · 27/10/2018 08:00

Surely his kids should be caring for the dogs (unless they were got after you moved in). Only you know how much you value the relationship when he is around, plenty make relationships work when someone works away but it's not an easy adjustment

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/10/2018 08:12

So you’re probably paying about £500 a month for the pleasure of being his housekeeper.

Google how much it costs to actually hire a housekeeper and send it to him.

I feel sorry for the boys though. Will you miss them?

Belindabauer · 27/10/2018 08:13

Well done op.
Keep your cards close to your chest. I'm sure this man isn't going to like the fact his mealticket is walking.

MyOtherProfile · 27/10/2018 08:14

What a horrible situation for you and the boys. At the very least he should set up a bank account you can access for his boys and for food and anything unexpected. What an idiot.

Juells · 27/10/2018 08:15

Only you know how much you value the relationship when he is around, plenty make relationships work when someone works away but it's not an easy adjustment

Fine in a long-term equal relationship, which this isn't. It's not a relationship at all - she has taken on all his responsibilities while he's swanned off to re-live his carefree youth. Fuck that for a game of cowboys!

If he has no money then he's drinking, gambling or whoring. Or has another wifey somewhere else - one who doesn't have to look after his children and dogs.

Rosielily · 27/10/2018 08:18

Does he even have a mortgage? His wife sadly died, would there have been life assurance/assurance to cover this eventuality? Or was the house and mortgage in his sole name?

Even without mortgage protection, did he receive any other payments when his wife died from any insurance policies, and if so what happened to them?

The boys' mum died several years ago. The boys were under 18 at the time. Is your partner receiving Bereaved Parent Allowance? That could equate to around £5/6K a year - although the rules have recently changed and the payments are a lot less and for a shorter period (but I don't know when his wife died exactly).

Is he in receipt of any child benefit for the boys?

I wonder if his late wife left a will, and if so what were the terms?

There could be an awful lot of money at his disposal here, which he is choosing to conceal from you whilst he's quietly fleecing you for everything he can get from you.

Glad you're making plans to leave. Don't look back when you go!

BitOutOfPractice · 27/10/2018 08:20

If he has no money then he's drinking, gambling or whoring. Or has another wifey somewhere else - one who doesn't have to look after his children and dogs.

Yep. Hence me asking where he actually is.

Juells · 27/10/2018 08:21

The more the situation is looked at, the murkier it becomes. Angry

Juells · 27/10/2018 08:22

Yep. Hence me asking where he actually is.

Sorry, didn't twig that.

Rosielily · 27/10/2018 08:23

*Assurance/Insurance even

tumericmasala · 27/10/2018 08:26

Good luck OP keep us updated. I've just RTFT and I almost feel like I can't be shocked anymore after reading about some total dicks on MN. I'm so glad other Mnetters have given you such amazing advice.

I feel sorry for the boys but they have GPs - maybe it's time the boys moved to Spain!

Your 'partner' is playing away and living the life. You're actually paying for the 'honour' of being his live in dog carer, nanny and housekeeper!!

Time to move on and enjoy your life.

Rosielily · 27/10/2018 08:26

I should have added: those possible other payments/benefits if they exist will be IN ADDITION TO his salary. And he says he has no money.......!!!

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