Flash drive

[NeedsMoreGlitter]

Hi all,
I've been with my DH for 20 years and we have 4 young children together. Recently, I became suspicious after he took his flash drive with him whenever he went out or kept moving it from his work jacket to bag. This evening he went to bed early so I decided to check it. I thought it was probably porn and I was right. There were hundreds of images taken off of Twitter, until I found one folder and this contained about 8 images copied off of Facebook of a girl at his work wearing bikinis/little outfits. She is only 21. He's 49 and her manager. I'd been unsure of her since she started as I noticed lots of phone calls from her on his work phone but he insisted it was just work related. He said he wouldn't be interested in her even if he was single& he see's her just as a kid. I don't think he would actually cheat, it is probably just to wank over. I'd like some advice about what to do next please? He's very difficult to argue with and always manages to turn the fault around to being mine so I need to have it all clear in my head before. I wonder how she would feel if she knew he'd done that?! Sorry for the long post!

Some men are just such dirty fucking dogs, I swear they just aren't wired like women. They don't see the heartbreak they cause by these seemingly innocent things they are doing. Hope your ok OP, its shit and now its going to have you suspicious the whole time.

Jesus Christ what an absolute load of bullshit DrMorbius. If I found a flash drive of scantily clad images of some youngster at my DP’s work our relationship would be over and vice versa. Stop trying to minimise this man’s creepy and disrespectful (to OP and the girl in question) behaviour with some bullshit cod psychology literal WANK.

Also you talk about this like women never have “self time” urgh or fantasise about random people - we know how it works so no need to mansplain (wanksplain?). That’s very different from poring over the social media of someone you know, work with and are senior to in the office, selecting a load of bikini pics, storing them on a flash drive, hiding it from your wife and using it as a literal wank bank.

Sorry you’re going through this OP . I can’t tell you what to do, but please don’t minimise it or forget how little respect he has shown you and your relationship.

@Bellendejour

It’s easy to make sweeping statements, but until you are in the moment - you have no idea what you’d do... long marriage, kids involved, etc - it changes a lot.

As to wank banks - it’s not the first time I hear about men having them in physical form.
This one is just a stupid and careless form of it...

As to your specific relationship - and what you’d do if you found x,y,z...
What if you knew what/who your partner imagines when he wanks? Or what thoughts flash through his mind when he sees an attractive woman on a street? Or a hot colleague?
How do you know what he looks at online?

It’s not possible to police wanking for either gender. And - as much as you’ll try to say that it’s different that he put her FB pic on a stick for doing that - rather than fantasising about her - it isn’t really....
It’s still a person imagining having sex with someone other than their partner - while wanking.
Which many people do.
Your partner just as well.

So - no reason to throw in the LTB so easily.

This is absolutely unacceptable as her manager to have saved images of her like this. Let alone the issues of how he sees women. I assume many of you saying this was just a bit foolish are totally ignorant of the content of the feminism boards.

I'd assume he's also on socasual.com

I forgot to add.....He sees her as a kid AND it was just a bit of excitement?

He's either lying or disgusting!

I smell bullshit!

When having our "self time" the image in our mind may look like someone we know, but it is really only an avatar. It is not the "person". It's the avatar and not the person being used. Therefore wrong as it was to download her image, I don't believe downloading it shows your DH lusts after this girl.

Wow

That's some story you've come up with , there.

Of course he lusts after her. Otherwise why not just use the 'porn mag equivalent ' which he already had on the flash drive?

Is she just an avatar to him?

Of course not. He sees her at work. He knows her. She's real, potentially attainable

He's moving (imo) inexorably towards a real life affair (with someone) because making a copy of a real life person's body is ratcheting up the stakes

If he knew I'd looked at it he would go mad and make it out I'm the one in the wrong
^ this is enough reason to leave him. He's a massive liar. He thinks of her as a kid....a kid he wants to wank over. I hope you made a copy OP. Please don't engage in any more talk about his 'depression'. It's an insult to people who are actually depressed. Please think about why you believe this arsehole deserves to be in your life.

Its quite reassuring that most on here see op's husband for the sad sleazy pervert he is but It's still sickening that there are some posters defending op's husbands behaviour. I'm assuming these must actually be men, but if they are woman with these opinions I feel quite sad for them. How low must their self esteem be to have their standard set so low, that they'd consider this normal and harmless behaviour in a 49 year old married man or in any man really. It's easy to be incredulous at these posters but really you should just feel sadness that there are woman willing to put up with disgusting completely unacceptable behaviour from men like this and just consider it part and parcel of a healthy relationship.

They don't see the heartbreak they cause by these seemingly innocent things they are doing.

Except in this case it's a choice to be heartbroken since nothing has really gone on. It's like being offended by something. The choice to be offended is there.

He sees her as a kid yet was quite happy to save half naked photos of her to wank over?

Your husband is either a creep or full of shit. There was no way on earth he was ever gunna delete those photos, OP. He’s just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

The fact he was so possessive of the flash drive tells you there was no way he was gunna delete the pictures. Why would he?!

I have no problem with having a wank or watching porn.
What I do have a problem with, is men saving photos of young women who have no idea they’ve done so, and then wanking over them when he sees her “as just a kid”.

absolute sleaze bag.

jsku
It’s not about being the wank police - I’m well aware I have no idea of what my partner thinks about during sex/masturbation and vice versa. It’s not something I care or think about. But this goes way beyond that and FOR ME that would be the end of the relationship. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with some creep who carries around a portable wank bank of someone he works with, someone 30 years younger, someone junior to him in the office. I don’t think that’s particularly surprising and I don’t think that’s anything else than having basic standards. I wouldn’t be able to get past that and I wouldn’t want to. It would be a horrible, depressingly compromised relationship with no respect and I’m not interested in that.

BUT as I said to OP I can’t tell you what to do - I’m not saying LTB, I’m saying don’t minimise this (as you yourself are doing in your post) and stick up for yourself because you deserve more.

HTH

sadiesnakes,

It would be a deal breaker for me too I think, in a short relationship, for all of the reasons outlined.

But op is in a marriage of twenty years, with a lot of shared history, and children, and a planned future. Some of us are just trying to offer a balanced argument. Many women forgive their husband for affairs, so it may yet be possible for op to work through all of this.

It isn't unusual to fancy a colleague, even one that is much younger. I would argue that the vast majority of social media users would check out the profiles of a person they fancied, particularly if they'd just received a friend request.

What's weird is saving those images to a usb. It doesn't even make any sense, since it is the most conspicuous way to hide secret photos, the most discoverable, the most likely to end up in acute embarrassment or a disciplinary at work.

Bluuurgh. This sounds so creepy. A secret wank bank including pics of people he knows in real life.

@Bellendejour

You are no different to the OP in this sense. You are minimising just as well, and even more - are saying - I don’t care and don’t want to know what images my partner wanks to.
Yours might be imagining his much younger collegues, just as well. Or flicking through their FB images.
Or instagram of people he knows. Or of exes.. Or of random people....

ONLY difference is that the OP knows for sure. She has the wank bank in front of her....
And you - you don’t want to know or face yours.

So - it’s very, very ingenious to say - I would leave, my High Horse is so so high.....

So - no reason to make OP feel bad for being a mug and minimising, etc... Realise that it’s really a glass house and stones situation.

Yours might be imagining his much younger collegues, just as well. Or flicking through their FB images.
Or instagram of people he knows. Or of exes.. Or of random people....

I think the creepy bit is that he's actually thought about this in advance, downloaded images, kept a flash drive and secreted it.

I don't think I'd mind if a random thought popped into my partners head-(I'd hope of me) but if he was keeping a secret stash....I'd think he was a creep.

@EvePolastriSorryBaby

That secret stash - everybody has these days... It’s called internet.
And those random thoughts that people have - aren’t occasional - people wank and use all kinds of images all the time. And rarely do they think of their partners - that’s the whole point.

The only thing different here is that OP’s H was stupid with that flash drive. And it feels different than just looking on the net.
But it isn’t in essence.

Jsku-

A random internet search would not be as bad in my book as a saved image, especially of someone he knows in real life!!

It is creepy.

Jsku what is your actual problem? You attack me for being the wank police, then when I say this isn’t something I worry about I’m minimising? I have no idea what my partner does or doesn’t do, how often he wanks, what he wanks about etc but obviously you couldn’t be in a healthy relationship if this was something you stressed about.

The massive screaming difference here is that OP’s partner has actively trawled a decades younger colleague’s social media for wank pics, carried this around in a flash drive, hidden it from her, and acted like an all round creep.

I’m not shaming the OP, the minimisers I’m talking about are posters like you. OP has raised this on a forum so it obviously doesn’t sit comfortably with her. I just want her to feel empowered to stand up for herself.

Belle

I'm so with you. Wanking in itself isn't the creepy part. It's the pre meditated wank bank that he has stashed. The OP is as uncomfortable with it as we would be!

Jsku seems to have lower standards or would allow a pervy flash drive to be part of her relationship.

My problem is naïveté (best case) hypocrisy (worst case)....

The only difference between you ‘Eve’ and ‘Belle’ and the OP is that she found the wank bank.
You two have a head-in-the-sand approach to your partners.
And somehow assume that your partners adhere to your philosophy to what’s accepted and what’s not.
While in reality they may or may not be.
But since you have a don’t ask/tell policy it’s easy for you to tell the OP to leave him, etc.

You do not know (or even what to know) what is in YOUR partners wank banks - they may be as pre-meditated and disgusting as OP’s husband’s.
Difference is you do NOT know. Your partners are smart enough to hide them better.
So - yes - in my book, it hypocritical to use different standards to yourself from those of others.

None of this has anything to do with height of my standards. And everything to do with not deluding myself that I know or control others

Jsku- you obviously have a skewed impression of men to believe that they all have a secret pre meditated wank bank.

I know, with certainty, that my partner doesn't.
He certainly doesn't have a secret stash, is not a pervert and isn't ruled by his knob.

I feel very sad for you if you believe or are unsure if your partner does and is keeping this a secret from you.
You should raise your standards and perhaps not tar all men with the cretin brush.

you have a don’t ask/tell policy

Did either of us mention this? Myself and my partner are extremely open. Unfortunate that you are basing our relationships on your standards.

‘Eve’- It’s great that you are open.

However - ‘Belle’ - very clearly stated that she doesn’t know and doesn’t want to know what her partner thinks about. And then proceeded to advise to LTB.
And that is what I found 🤷🏻‍♀️.

All I am trying to get across - is that as bad as the flash drive sounds - it’s not as different as what many people do - using visual aids...
Pre-internet - it was magazines...
Now - technology moved on.
And even if there isn’t a physical depository - people may have images in their heads. And hot non-partners may be part of it.

It’s not a low standard. Or a standard of anything. Just mechanics of wanking.

@Jsku

I'm guessing you're a man, right? 

That or in your 20s and haven't yet had your dp choose wanking to hard drive porn instead of having sex with you because your not a novelty anymore and you've had his children and no longer look like the young employee he's fantasizing about... I think your standards will rise a little then when you experience for yourself being made to feel like a piece of shit by the man who's supposed to treat you with the utmost respect and have your back.