Flash drive

[NeedsMoreGlitter]

Hi all,
I've been with my DH for 20 years and we have 4 young children together. Recently, I became suspicious after he took his flash drive with him whenever he went out or kept moving it from his work jacket to bag. This evening he went to bed early so I decided to check it. I thought it was probably porn and I was right. There were hundreds of images taken off of Twitter, until I found one folder and this contained about 8 images copied off of Facebook of a girl at his work wearing bikinis/little outfits. She is only 21. He's 49 and her manager. I'd been unsure of her since she started as I noticed lots of phone calls from her on his work phone but he insisted it was just work related. He said he wouldn't be interested in her even if he was single& he see's her just as a kid. I don't think he would actually cheat, it is probably just to wank over. I'd like some advice about what to do next please? He's very difficult to argue with and always manages to turn the fault around to being mine so I need to have it all clear in my head before. I wonder how she would feel if she knew he'd done that?! Sorry for the long post!

@DrMorbius yes men wank frequently, that's ok, no ones saying they shouldn't, and op said she's fine with porn, for his "lighter fluid".. But op's husband is pushing 50, has a very young colleague, almost 30 years difference, old enough to be her father and then some, that he's helping through personal issues, and stalking her social media, collecting images of her, and then storing them in his wank bank. This is a serious breach of his position as her manager, let alone the moral implications of what he's doing. There are 500 billion porn images online for him to peruse at his leisure, he DOES NOT need to use images of his young employee to wank off too. It's not harmless, it's disgusting, sleazy, pathetic, sad and creepy, and as you see, most agree. If this young woman knew she was being used as his porn I can guarantee she would feel disgusted and violated. Settling for this type of man would indicate a seriously low self worth. Women deserve more then this disgusting shit. Period.

Well said sadiesnakes

@sadiesnakes this is the age we live in. If this young woman knew she was being used as his porn I can guarantee she would feel disgusted and violated. What happens if Op's DH conjures up an image of this woman in his mind, is that OK?

What has he really done wrong?

He has looked for pictures of someone that he sees as a kid, without her knowledge or consent, he has chosen the ones showing most of her body, copied them & hidden them, from his wife.

‘This is the age we live in’. You know what if this kind of shit is considered de rigeur, and we have to be ok with it in order to be in a relationship, then I for one would be quite ok to concentrate on friends , children and have a cat.

DrMorbius, are you serious?! You find nothing wrong with this at all? Are you the DH?!
This is so wrong, on so many levels!

Personally I'd be holding the creepy lechy stalking over him with a bit of justified blackmail. "Leave quiet and maturely or I'll be passing your wank bank information to your employer and the poor girl in question you disgusting man!"

If someone was wanking to photos of me I would feel violated.

Even knowing that my two ex bosses even thought of me that way made me feel uneasy. To think they might be wanking thinking of me makes me feel sick and sends shivers down my spine.

‘She's uploaded pictures of herself to her personal social media account, most likely intended to be viewed by family, friends, et’

If she wanted to make those pictures personal - they won’t be available for non-FB friends to see...
And - does anyone really think a 20smh (or any age, really) woman who puts sexy undressed pic of herself with access set to ‘everyone’ - doesn’t know what she is doing?
Really?

You were unsure of her!!! Way to shift the blame.
This is grim and definitely not normal. Surely if the girl at work found out he could lose his job?

2nd attempt stupid iPhone app

@DrMorbius

this is the age we live in
again this doesn't mean that women have to put up with being married to sleazy old fuckers.

What happens if Op's DH conjures up an image of this woman in his mind, is that OK?*
No one here has mentioned thought policing. Ops dh hasn't just "imagined" fucking his young employee, although in my opinion, that would also be morally questionable. No, he's stalked her social media, collected pictures of her, stored them to his seedy hard drive, and then uses them to wank at his pleasure. This girl has not consented to this, and never would either, she is not a celebrity and hasn't chosen to live her life publicly, risking unwanted attention from sickos for the sake of fame. She's uploaded pictures of herself to her personal social media account, most likely intended to be viewed by family, friends, etc. NOT to be used as porn for her sad old perverted employer. If she wanted to be used as porn she'd be a fucking porn star. Normal average women do not want to be used as wank fodder for men. They just don't.

Whiffs of victim shaming here.

Anyone who can’t see how this is beyond wrong needs to give their morals a huge shake up.

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this must be awful. I hope you act cautiously and be kind to yourself through whatever is to follow from his behaviour.

Lol at doesn’t wank

I'm not saying Op's DH is a paragon of virtue. All I am saying is he has downloaded some images and (we imagine) uses them for his personal pleasure. The girl doesn't know. Just like she doesn't know if he conjures up images of her in his mind.

Personally I am not sure about the I don't wank and the she's a kid comment. The first I outright don't believe and the second seems like a diversion to me. After all she is a woman.

Can you pack a case for him and leave it on the doorstep with the flash drive on top (after copying it)? He'd get the message.

Dr Morbius, that may well be the case, but not many of us would particularly choose a partner who goes off like this, I personally wouldn’t be ok if it was downloaded on a phone and carted around, never mind a separate flash drive. I really don’t care if it’s the order of the day. It just depends if OP finds it creepy and sleazy enough to end things, I personally would, but I am aware everyones moral compass is different.

@MMmomDD

^If she wanted to make those pictures personal - they won’t be available for non-FB friends to see...
And - does anyone really think a 20smh (or any age, really) woman who puts sexy undressed pic of herself with access set to ‘everyone’ - doesn’t know what she is doing?
Really?^

Most woman's standards are not as low as yours obviously are.

There is no space for victim shamers on mn, so you can piss off now.

I'd hide that flash drive and if you drcide you want him gone, tell him to leave quietly or his work's HR dept will be hearing from you.
Making those pics of a colleague, without her consent is gross.

smallbusiness.chron.com/need-someones-permission-pictures-facebook-66026.html

Looks like @DrMorbius is right.

Public Facebook photos are potential wank bank fodder

🤯

According to Facebook's Statement of Rights and Responsibilities, any image posted with the Public setting carries the implicit acknowledgment that said photo is available for access and use by anyone -- including entities not on Facebook. While permission for use is considered polite, it is not a prerequisite.

Hi OP,

How are you? Is he home from work yet? Xx

Hi,
Thank you for asking.
He won't be home till about 6.30pm. I haven't heard from him again so I don't know if he's found it missing yet. I can't believe he's been so stupid.
Could anyone please tell me how I can copy the flash drive discreetly? Its not something I've done before. Many thanks

It might not be illegal, but it could be grounds for a workplace disciplinary. I had the pleasure of preparing a case similar to this. The man was a scumbag who tried to wriggle out of it with the defence he was depressed. His depression had been triggered by the failure of his wife to sire a son. Yup he thought that was worth articulating.

But further investigation found lots more images and some where of young girls. The police got involved as did child protection. He then did the "they looked older" defence.

The people who worked with this man were distraught and distressed. The betrayal was clear. These were high functioning professionals who work in a challenging profession. I can't imagine what a young woman would feel about this. It would awful for her.

Looking a legal pornography in his home is one thing. He is crossed a boundary and is abusing a co-worker. If he gets caught he will bring down devastation for his colleagues and his family.

In the case I worker the man was an addict, his behavior escalated. He was using porn in the workplace and using images of colleagues. He had been warned and challenged in the past but not formally. He didn't stop.

This is why I don't let random people take my photo at work or in general. Nor do I stick images on facebook or anywhere else.