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Original poster

Flash drive

148 replies

NeedsMoreGlitter · 26/10/2018 00:02

Hi all,
I've been with my DH for 20 years and we have 4 young children together. Recently, I became suspicious after he took his flash drive with him whenever he went out or kept moving it from his work jacket to bag. This evening he went to bed early so I decided to check it. I thought it was probably porn and I was right. There were hundreds of images taken off of Twitter, until I found one folder and this contained about 8 images copied off of Facebook of a girl at his work wearing bikinis/little outfits. She is only 21. He's 49 and her manager. I'd been unsure of her since she started as I noticed lots of phone calls from her on his work phone but he insisted it was just work related. He said he wouldn't be interested in her even if he was single& he see's her just as a kid. I don't think he would actually cheat, it is probably just to wank over. I'd like some advice about what to do next please? He's very difficult to argue with and always manages to turn the fault around to being mine so I need to have it all clear in my head before. I wonder how she would feel if she knew he'd done that?! Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
Yonijust · 26/10/2018 04:06

He said he wouldn't be interested in her even if he was single& he see's her just as a kid

A kid that he wants to keep pictures of?

I think you should be single.

bubbles108 · 26/10/2018 04:17

Don't hide the drive

Copy it

Don't say anything yet - unless you intend to end your relationship based on the fact that he's a middle aged pervy sleaze (porn is fine but FB stalking a 21 year old who works for him is ewww)

Keep investigating - something else will appear

Then confront him with all the info and tell him to leave

Awaytome · 26/10/2018 04:27

I have had two older men that I worked for profess their undying adulation of me - the first years after I had left the company and the latter while I still worked there. I had no idea about either of them and both of them said 'you must have known'! Eh, fuck no, you're 102 and I go to work and work for you but at no stage in my life did I ever find you attractive. IF I found out they had a little porn package of me, I'd vomit.
Please don't tell the girl. She really does not need to know.
Just divorce the prick.

GloomyMonday · 26/10/2018 06:05

I don't think it's that unusual to have a crush on someone at work, or to have a little look at the public elements of their social media.

It is weird to save photos to a usb. It's a really odd thing to do. I was just wondering whether you'd objected to him looking at porn in the past op? It might explain why he keeps photos on a usb, so that you can't find evidence in the search history of his laptop or whatever. Why has he volunteered that he doesn't wank, have you asked him about it?

Original poster
NeedsMoreGlitter · 26/10/2018 06:11

No, I've never said he can't look at porn. If it had just been porn I would have been relieved but this is too personal. I've asked him in the past if he does wank and he said he doesn't like the idea of it& doesn't need to.

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 26/10/2018 06:30

Well it seems like you have 3 options: You tell him you know and he gaslights you, you say nothing and you live with the knowledge that he perves over a colleague, or you leave him. Obviously I'm suggesting option 3 because it's bad enough that he's done this but for me the telling thing here is that you know that his reaction will be twisting it around on you which says to me that he doesn't treat you very well in general.

bubbles108 · 26/10/2018 07:01

I've asked him in the past if he does wank and he said he doesn't like the idea of it& doesn't need to.

I would respectfully suggest that that is bollix

Yonijust · 26/10/2018 07:28

Surely he is stalking her, if he is looking at images of her & keeping a copy of them in his right hand?

Tell her.

mama1DC · 26/10/2018 07:36

What a creep ! Something similar happened to me in a past relationship but there was pictures of my friend on it to. I RAN for the hills !! He's clearly using it for w**k purposes. I find it VERY strange he lets a 21 year old comes to his office and ring him to speak about personal life !!! That is NOT a work relationship that is personal

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/10/2018 08:10

His poor colleague. She thinks she has a supportive older boss when he's actually trawling her fb for 'dirty' photos to copy and put in his wank file. Gross!!

I also feel very sorry for you OP that your partner is the stereotypical dirty old man, and you are scared to confront him because he manipulates you and shifts the blame.

bagpiss · 26/10/2018 08:23

Are you able to 'find' it on the floor near where he hid it and bring it up like that?

Original poster
NeedsMoreGlitter · 26/10/2018 08:41

It was in a pocket of his work bag zipped up. I still have it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedsMoreGlitter · 26/10/2018 08:56

We get on really well but if you do argue he always twists things then gets moody. He's been trying to get a doctor's appointment as we think he may be depressed but that's no excuse for it.

OP posts:
babygoose48 · 26/10/2018 09:01

Can no one see how serious this is?

Massive violation of rights here, and a serious HR case on your hands. Can you imagine finding out that your manager at work had bikini pictures of you on his wank bank flash drive?

sadiesnakes · 26/10/2018 09:07

Yes, I actually feel very sorry for you op, perhaps you are still in shock and don't realize the consequences this will have on your marriage. Firstly and most importantly the trust is well and truly shot, and doubtful you will ever trust him again. Secondly you will never see him the same again, you cannot possibly ever have any respect left for him now you know the type of man he is and that is essentially a creepy sad old letch. You are worth more then this op. Turning a blind eye will make you dreadfully unhappy.

Original poster
NeedsMoreGlitter · 26/10/2018 09:11

I think we have a very bad time ahead and I just feel sorry for the kids.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 26/10/2018 10:32

he doesn’t sound very nice , as well as being a sleaze OP. As the lady above said And I said earlier, I don’t think in your head however sorry he is you will feel the same way . I’m not one for LTB at the drop of a hat and I should know as still in my marriage after stuff I really didn’t like coming to light , including far too much secretive porn , however this is actually pretty creepy stuff and makes me wonder if other stuff going on you don’t know about. I personally would hide it and watch his reaction before confronting just to bloody annoy him.

sophiec123 · 26/10/2018 10:32

Please don't set your bar so low! Be respected!

Keeping a secret flash drive with pictures on it is NOT okay, if he's hiding it it's NOT okay.

Being undermined/patronised/gaslighted is disrespectful and NOT okay.

Don't brush this under the carpet, it is NOT acceptable.

Being made to feel like you can't address any issues you may have is not acceptable, you are not a doormat! You deserve better, this behaviour is creepy! Imagine if someone had photos of you or your daughter saved, it's just quite frankly, odd! Don't stand for it, get what you want to say/do ready first and do it! You don't have to make a big argument over it, simply sort you and the kids out and leave him a note explaining everything you know.

Original poster
NeedsMoreGlitter · 26/10/2018 10:40

He's just rung me from work and I just acted normal so he's obviously not realised it's missing yet. I'm not going to say anything until I see what he does.
I don't have anywhere to go and with 4 kids it's not easy to just leave.
Thank you everyone for all your help, it's such a support.

OP posts:
bubbles108 · 26/10/2018 10:44

I don't have anywhere to go and with 4 kids it's not easy to just leave.

No.

HE LEAVES

Not you. Not the kids

HIM

sophiec123 · 26/10/2018 10:54

When he realises it's gone and the conversation is had I do think you need to tell him to leave, don't let him make you feel like you are in the wrong. As you've said you can't just up and leave with the kids, it's his wrongdoing, make him aware of this.

RivanQueen · 26/10/2018 12:00

When the time comes that you do have a conversation about this, remember that he is going to try and turn it around on you and make it your fault. Before you speak to him practice repeating 'This is not my fault. YOU decided to do this, YOU have chosen to risk losing your family, YOU are a grown man take responsibility for your actions'. Say this to him every time he tries to shift the blame from him being a creepy stalky wankbag to you invading his privacy and looking at the flashdrive, not paying him enough attention, whatever shit excuse he comes up with to deflect onto you. Say it over and over to him if you have to, show him that this time his little gaslighting game is not going to work. Good luck.

Original poster
NeedsMoreGlitter · 26/10/2018 12:26

Thank you RivanQueen I will try to focus on that. I feel very calm at the moment and hope I can stay calm when the time comes. He needs to see how serious it is as I'm sure he'll have the attitude he's done nothing wrong.
I'm sorry other posters have gone through similar things.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 26/10/2018 12:27

No OP, HE LEAVES, you have done nothing wronghe on the other hand--well, If he will not, then you immediately get legal advice as to where you stand on getting him out, I think with 4 kids of that age and why you find it impossible to have him in the home (if indeed that's the case and we cant all just presume you want out) the law will be very much with you. I know personally I would struggle to even look at him or do anything at all for him.

DrMorbius · 26/10/2018 12:46

What has he really done wrong. He has a store of "lighter fuel" to help himself while wanking. So what.
He happens to have some photos of someone real, so what.
What next? Banning him from thinking about anyone you know, while wanking??

If he had downloaded some images of a famous person, would any of you MN Drones tell the Op to contact the famous person and tell her???

Op I once read some research that said men up until 50/60's wank 5-7 per week.Grin