Flash drive

[NeedsMoreGlitter]

Hi all,
I've been with my DH for 20 years and we have 4 young children together. Recently, I became suspicious after he took his flash drive with him whenever he went out or kept moving it from his work jacket to bag. This evening he went to bed early so I decided to check it. I thought it was probably porn and I was right. There were hundreds of images taken off of Twitter, until I found one folder and this contained about 8 images copied off of Facebook of a girl at his work wearing bikinis/little outfits. She is only 21. He's 49 and her manager. I'd been unsure of her since she started as I noticed lots of phone calls from her on his work phone but he insisted it was just work related. He said he wouldn't be interested in her even if he was single& he see's her just as a kid. I don't think he would actually cheat, it is probably just to wank over. I'd like some advice about what to do next please? He's very difficult to argue with and always manages to turn the fault around to being mine so I need to have it all clear in my head before. I wonder how she would feel if she knew he'd done that?! Sorry for the long post!

Ugh perving on his young staff is creepy, saving her pictures to a flash drive and taking it everywhere he goes is beyond creepy, into obssessed/stalker territory. Sorry OP but I couldn't put up with that, and his work should know too.

Buy a blank one & put it back in the bag for now.

People seem slightly confused by the legal side of this.

The girl has put these photos on facebook.

Not only that, but she's made them her profile picture.

Your profile picture on facebook is public domain.

There is no way in hell anyone would ever win a court case made up of "He saved my profile picture and I don't like that he saved it".

She put the pictures up. It's entirely possible that she hasn't even set her privacy settings to maximum, so complete strangers may also be able to see her timeline pictures. If so, her timeline pictures are also public domain. Nobody can be prosecuted for saving the pictures that someone publishes in the public domain.

Now if your DH was using those pictures to coerce, intimidate, threaten or blackmail this girl, that would be legally actionable. As it stands, keeping them on a flash drive is not a crime. Nor is it proof of intention to commit a crime.

This is not illegal.

It might be immoral, it might be unsavoury, it might be distasteful, but it is not illegal.

That said...

If your husband says he never wanks, then I'd say it's 99% likely that he's lying. It is far more believable to me (as a man) that he is simply uncomfortable talking about it with you, and lies in order to avoid being uncomfortable.

Ditto any conversation about porn. I'm far more likely to believe that someone denies ever looking at porn because they're worried about the impact on their relationship, rather than because they genuinely never look at it.

Here's the important bit:

None of the above means that what he is doing is okay

It's worrying that he's keeping pictures of a colleague on a flash drive.

It's worrying that he's having more-than-usual contact with her, in his office or otherwise.

It's worrying that he feels the need to lie to you about wanking, porn, or anything else.

It's worrying that you seem unable to have a discussion together without him blaming you for everything. This isn't normal behaviour.

It's worrying that he's carrying this around on a flash drive. This would seem to indicate he's intending to access these images on a device other than his own computer. If he was just using it on his own computer it would make far more sense to just have a buried folder somewhere on C:

What's your sex life like outside of this? Do you have sex regularly? Are you both happy with the frequency? Are you both happy with the methodology? It might be worth tackling that as a first step, and then the porn/pictures may well go away of their own accord. I understand that 4 kids doesn't inspire a huge amount of lust, but two people having a decent sex life shouldn't find situations like this arising, so you could do worse than trying to solve that aspect of the relationship before accusing him of being a creepy pervert. He might be one, but unless you're happy to divorce him on the spot over it then bringing it up in an argument doesn't seem to benefit anyone.

I don't think it's helpful, to refer to other people who have had images of children. This woman is 21 : clearly nowhere near a child.

However, I do struggle as to how he could see her as anything other than too young for him. Do a lot of men find women sexy, who are young enough to be their own children?

I am 48. My DH is 45. My son is 21 and my daughter is 20. I could certainly tell you whether my son's friends were attractive, but I could never fancy them, and to me they just seem like children, because they are the same age as my children. I could imagine saying "He will be attractive when he's 40"....but that's about it.

Although you say your children are young, so maybe he doesn't see her as being the age of a child of his (even though technically she is). It's all a moot point really, as I wouldn't be happy even if the woman was 40. What's it for? Why has he done this?

I don't think this woman has been violated, she placed those images on Facebook for everyone to see, and that's about it really. However, I'm not sure I can fathom why he has transferred them to a stick? They are just bikini shots. Hardly as provocative as porn.

I dunno. I'm at a loss really. All you can do is confront and take it from there.

I'd be really upset if I was in your position OP. I'm so sorry you've found these images, it must feel akin to being cheated on due to the deceit.

On a side note, everyone is assuming that he has taken the photos from her FB, but there's no evidence of that. She might have sent them to him as well as having them displayed on her social media.

I can't believe some people on here would be okay with this.

Quite frankly, I would be disgusted and couldn't look at my partner in the same way again.

I wouldn't even bother with copying the images, I would store it in a safe place, have his bags packed for him when he comes home from work and tell him I'd found his dirty wank folder and to get the fuck out.

LOL @ the bullshit reasoning from the few blokes on this thread.

Maybe she’s sent them to him

"However, I do struggle as to how he could see her as anything other than too young for him. Do a lot of men find women sexy, who are young enough to be their own children?"

There's a thread on here at the moment where op, a 41yo teaching assistant, is in love with a 20yo student, so I guess it happens.

I don't think he's wrong for fancying her or looking at her public social media, but keeping the photos is horrible.

I'd hide it in a very safe place.. deny all knowledge.. and watch him consider/panic that he may he carelessly lost it between work and home.. and wonder into whose hands it may have fallen... oh my...

Any update OP?

Regarding PP I don't see anyone saying it is illegal that's not really the issue here. I'm too old to understand but I do think there's a trend for young girls putting it out there on social media for "likes" and attention etc.
I agree that if she didn't want people looking she should set her photos to private HOWEVER I'm guessing in her wildest dreams she doesnt see her "target market" for want of a better term as her middle aged boss at work and would probably be fairly sickened to find out.
It IS immoral and it is a violation at least in the work place - he's gone stalking her social media and saved her photos to refer back too later. It's just really gross and regardless of the stupidity of sharing such photos on a public forum, for someone in a senior position to her at work to be leering at them - not just looking at them on line but actually keeping them- is really bad. I can't imagine his work would look favourably on it even if the argument was "well she posted them"
Imagine if a younger teacher did the same thing with their students you'd all be in uproar and quite rightly

OP I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this and yes it's going to be unpleasant but I don't see how you can ignore it now you know.

As another PP said , if you're concerned about him gaslighting you or making trouble you could quietly and calmly state that if he doesn't go quietly then you will be forwarding to his HR department and higher ups

If he cares enough to HIDE it.. then he'll certainly care who FINDS it...

@sadiesnakes

Hello there, MN censor....
For the record - you might reconsider your definitions.
Certainly - victim of anything should never be shamed.
Thing is - there is no victim here.
There are pictures in a public domain for everyone to see.
And - no one knows why this woman put those pictures there. She may enjoy the thought of men looking at them and desiring her.
Internet is full of picture of young girls putting them up for that specific reason.

That said - it still is weird that this cluless man decided to put them on a stick and carry them around.
OP is married to that man and had cause for concerns.
Clearly something is going on in her H’s head that need addressing.
Could be just fantasy or could be something else.

@MMmomDD it's weird that you want to keep defending this to be honest
As I said above - read my post
It makes no difference if the pics were in the public domain from a moral standpoint

@heath1977

Equally - read my post. It’s not about defending anyone.
It’s about everyone making assumptions about that woman’s motivations and feelings - based on your own morals and sensibilities.
None of us know her and what she wants or doesn’t want. And why she is doing what she is doing with her picture...

What we do know for sure is the OP’s side. She is feeling insecure, and did before the pictures discovery.
This has nothing to do with the 21yo. And all to do with the marriage.
That is the actual issue at hand.
Not the hypothetical hurt that another woman may or may not have incurred based on her bikinied pics

@MMmomDD but the point is I don't see anyone blaming the 21 year old !

Sorry pressed send too soon.
The point isn't about hypothetical hurt as you put it but about the immorality of the DH here - the girl has nothing to do with it as an individual she could be anyone but he has grossly invaded her privacy (privacy being a debatable topic in the age of social media)
I guess what I'm saying is no matter what she posts she probably imagined (possibility ignorantly ) she was safe from the perving of her work superiors
She's not old enough to understand the consequences of what she posts or that there are gross men out there who will find her sexy

@heath1977
I disagree that he is invading her privacy, the lady has put the pictures on fb, and if the OP is able to see them without being friends with her then they are obviously set to 'public' showing for anyone to see.
I also disagree with the comment where you say she is not old enough to understand the consequences - YES SHE IS!
We are teaching children from a young age what is acceptable to put on the internet so a 21 year old woman should know better.

Saying this, it is not about the woman it is about the OPs husband and I for one would like to hear of his reasons for having the flash drive...just to see what logic is behind his thinking

Sending hugs OP 

I would delete everything off the drive, and put it back. Then check it again in a few months and see if he has put pics of her on it again. Then you will know he has been looking at pics of her, and there wasn't a reasonable expectation. It is possible there is some reason for them being the drive. But if he does it again you need to be worried.

Nope, none of this is illegal, however from a business point of view though and having worked in HR, it certainly is extremely iffy and may violate 'some' employment code of conducts, from a moral point of view its just gross, and at the end of the day my concern is for the OP, I certainly would find this hard to live with and looks like most women on here feel the same so she has to get her head around if its something she can/cannot live with . Even if he stops, the fact is he did this. I feel there are far too many tales on here of partnered up/married guys going around stashing wank bank stuff on phones and computers or sexting or other unsavoury stuff and Im pretty sure they know this would cause hurt and upset if discovered, but feel entitled to do it anway..

Hello all,
Just a quick update.
In the end, I just confronted him with what I knew. He's off of work for a few days now and I couldn't cope with trying to act normal waiting for him to say. I stated that I knew about the flash drive and I thought we should break up. At first, he kept questioning which flash drive I meant, which I didn't like, he then admitted it all and wholly took the blame. He said he knew he was in the wrong and had thought many times about deleting it all and what was he even doing having it. He said because he felt so low at the moment it was just a bit of excitement/release for him. He said he'd had a Facebook notification of a friend suggestion of the girl and then looked at her profile and found the images. He said he copied them just because of her lack of clothing and viewed them just the same as a dirty image he liked. I saw the notification and the date matched the one I knew he'd copied it on. He said he'd not searched for her before as he has no interest in her as that he saw her just as a kid. We talked for over an hour and I really told him how I felt and about how irresponsible he'd been. I couldn't carry on talking any more as I started to feel faint/nauseous ( I hadn't sleep at all the night before or really eaten) and I just had to go and lay down ( but not in our bedroom).
Thank you all so much for your kindness and support.

I feel so bad for you op. You don't deserve any of this. Men are so selfish and never consider the consequences something like this has on a marriage. Either way, stay or go, your life is a nightmare for the foreseeable future and he so needlessly caused it all.

I don't think there's any need for pp to get quite so wound up about the moral aspect.

Everyone knows, everyone - it's taught explicitly throughout primary and secondary school - that putting your photo on the internet means that it can be used by anyone, for anything. People putting photos on with minimal clothing - men or women - know with certainty that they are relinquishing control of that image.

In this case, she sent him a friend request so did not care in the slightest that her boss would see the images.

The fact that he fancied her and found the photos a turn on, and added them to his porn stash - as some would keep a stash of favourite magazines or dvds, or store favourite images online, is unpleasant and highly embarrassing for him, and hurtful to op. He's a fool but I bet it's not that unusual for men to look at a hot colleague's social media.

At first, he kept questioning which flash drive I meant There could be loads.

He then admitted it all and wholly took the blame Theres not a lot to admit to , when you have seen the evidence.

I hope you wont be taken for a mug with the feeling low crap.

And he still says he sees her as a kid

Thats fucked up.

I hope you are feeling better today Op.

Up to 20 years ago, to a large degree this story would be the equivalent of you finding his stash of porn magazines. Modern technology just means we don't need magazines anymore.

The only complication are the images of the girl. Your DH's explanation, he viewed them just the same as a dirty image he liked I totally get. From previous discussions (on here) the best way it was described was the following. When having our "self time" the image in our mind may look like someone we know, but it is really only an avatar. It is not the "person". It's the avatar and not the person being used. Therefore wrong as it was to download her image, I don't believe downloading it shows your DH lusts after this girl. It was just an image off the internet, like any other. I hope this explanation helps you understand your DH's actions were not personal just stupid.

Good luck Op.