Dating thread 141 - fun and games

[Koko12]

Hope not stepping in anyone’s toes but thought I’d start the new thread as old one was full and I wanted to post!

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Also reading about how 'avoidant-anxious' relationships are the types that usually end up those types that are always off and on. Exactly what I went through.

@rich, avoidant-anxious is the worst combination isn't it!
My anxious expatnet love bombed me too and then got really needy. I dealt with the neediness well as I genuinely felt alot for him. Love bombing is awful. Great at the time and then you crave it when it goes.

Since him I have managed to do OK and keep in mind the secure style I need. Hard to.work it out early doors though

It's interesting to know your attachment style as it comes to play in separation as well. Securely attached will generally move on in good time, accepting the breakup. Anxiously attached far more likely to struggle, unable to accept it's over and pine for reconciliation.

That is very interesting @richdeniro

I think my last real relationship before OLD was definitely anxious-secure (me being the secure one) to begin with but by the end turned into anxious-anxious!!

Thankfully now I think I've found one where we're both secure 🙏🏼

thanks Cold - I am glad you would also be feeling the same. Sometimes, I feel like everything is just a mess in my head. I did go straight there after work yesterday, and we had very long talks and a few tears. I am going to see how things go for the next little while as I know he is stressed with work etc.

I could never really date multiple guys but I think as long as you are honest you have nothing to feel bad about, the guy can then decide what he wants to do.

I hope you do get past that with MrCake - it sounds like you really are getting on.

Hello peeps, great to hear everyone's updates. I'm trying to avoid getting too overinvested in OLD as just wasn't swiping on anyone suitable. Met MrSubmissive for a drink and whilst he was refreshingly open about just wanting to be a chore slave etc, just felt very transactional and I couldn't help thinking how important a true connection is.

I have also been chatting to a cool man I'll name Mr12Step. Anyone who has read my posts will know my ex is an alcoholic so I immediately friendzoned this man even though we did click very well. However it's been nice chatting to him in this respect. I thank myself lucky he told me about it so I could make that decision because he hasn't been that open with anyone else. I can see I would have easily got swept away like the other women he is meeting who don't know he is in early recovery.

Reading the attachment styles stuff... Wow. My last relationship was anxious avoidant (I'm the avoidant - distant parents, boarding school, fiercely independent) and this stuff rings so true.... It was a total car crash.

Current date, Mr BTO, is def somewhat avoidant too... Hmmm. Anyway for all. The advice when I was flapping about texting him I did text him y'day and we had a nice convo. Haven't made any plans for when he's back from his work away (Fri/Sat) yet but hopefully we will.

Getting very confused at there being two of us with Cold as the start of our user names.

I had a bizarre evening yesterday. Though I'm off the dating apps, there were 3 guys I was getting on with who i gave my number to just in case they wanted to keep the conversation going.

I don't know if you remember MrFridayNight. We chatted on a Friday and were going to meet that night but he cried off because he was ill. Feels like it was about a month ago.

Well he sent me a whatsapp yesterday and asked if we could meet and we did. It was utterly hysterical. I could never go out with someone like him - he's younger than me, has OCD and is completely hyper but it was such a fun evening and I'm glad I met him!

what amazed me though is he's the first bloke I've met where his photos are SO much better than what he was like in real life. I can't remember all his photos because I'm not on the apps anymore but he came across as a professional, smart, tall man and he can't have been much taller than me and was like a whirling dervish!

seeing Mr4kids (trying to think of a name, can't remember if I named him before!) for lunch today. This one is a bizarre one as he was one of the 3 I sent my number to but I must have had the first date about 2 months ago. I thought he was in the wrong place for a relationship but we will see this afternoon.

@coolcahuna The anxious-avoidant combination really is the worst, makes for such a toxic combination! I know what you mean about lovebombing, I’d never been showered with so much love, attention and affection before, it was amazing at the time and you think you have found your soulmate. For her to have a avoidant attachment type following that was just the absolute worst. No wonder I was so heartbroken.

I now realise her ending it was nothing to do with me and I can forgive her for ending it by text and using the words ‘I need to fancy someone more’. The sad thing is she will never find that person she is looking for as he doesn’t exist. Until she figures out and works on her issues she will always avoid relationships. Having an anxious attachment type myself my initial instinct is to want to help her and try to fix her but I know this is impossible, if I told her about her attachment style her initial reaction would most likely be to run away - avoidance again.

Hahaha daff that sounds hysterical! Dating doesn't always have to lead to romance, the main thing is you had a good time!
I only met one guy who was better in his pics than in reality
In his pics he looked tall and muscular. I'm only 5ft 5 and height doesn't bother me generally but he was short and weedy in comparison to his pictures! Coupled with the fact he was stood at the bar physically shaking with nerves was a little off putting.
There was no physical attraction there on my part but we did have a laugh on the date. He's definitely more confident behind a screen as he still randomly messages me every few weeks asking if I fancy 'a go' on him even though he knows I'm now in a relationship 🙄🙄🙄

lol at fancy a go on him

it did make me realise I am missing dating tbh and should get back out there soon but I really want to hold off till xmas!

I hope I look better in real life than my pics. I don't like myself in photos generally though!

@rich So nice to read you're getting your head around that troublesome relationship. Good luck moving on now. 😊

rich thanks for that link. My last relationship was with an avoidant type. He ticks all the boxes for that. He will never settle down. Yet I am still hopelessly attracted to him.

Daffo I'm trying to keep off the apps until after Christmas as well because I know I don't really have time. But it so tempting to just have a look and start swiping again. Even though I know I'll be disappointed.

I had my mum on the phone last night asking why, nearly 5 years after my divorce, I haven't found a nice man. She doesn't know I do OLD. I'll tell her if I find someone. But, this is a regular conversation and I can't seem to get her to understand that you don't just bump into single, nice men on the street every day.

Run I know that feeling - my very ancient Dad has started asking about my love life, oh dear lord.

Eesha I have a 24 hour date this weekend with my chore slave (sorry Dad). I'm really curious about all this weird stuff but I think his expectations of 'Mistress' are way over the top. Feel I have to do all sorts of reading up to prepare, like a blooming assessment centre. All I want is a hug, a chat and some itch-scratching. I don't feel I can cancel though, it's been organised for ages as he works away for weeks on end.

@DogDayMorning hope you have fun, I actually only met this bloke for the 1st time out of curiosity. He wasn't someone I'd be attracted to in real life, just seemed from a totally different world to me. He explained why he liked what he liked and left the offer open to me. For me, he just kept going on about these women who looked like they would be ideal mistress types like Liz Hurley, and almost salivating! I think I'm too hung up on having a mental click with someone and this is probably what is keeping me single!

eesha I think I'd find it easy to bale out if he salivated about other women, but he doesn't - he's lovely and kind and funny and good in bed, we do click, but he's got this kink that he wants to explore

Have people had good experiences with Guardian Soulmates?
I tried it years ago with absolutely no luck at all.
Ok Cupid has not worked for me. (Can’t do Bumble because ex is on it).

Also (& obviously excluding Bumble from this question) do you message men first? Or always wait for them to get in touch? It feels like if I wait I would never hear from anyone.

runs let's hold hands together ;). Yes I get that all the time. It's been 6/7 years and you are STILL single. ARGHHH

hopeless just because ex is on bumble, doesn't mean you can't do it? just swipe no on him if you cross paths

One of my friends met her husband on guardian soulmates. But she is in London. It’s like tumbleweed city outside London (and maybe a few other big cities).