Dating thread 141 - fun and games

[Koko12]

Hope not stepping in anyone’s toes but thought I’d start the new thread as old one was full and I wanted to post!

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@Stapler, I am loving the idea of him offering to cook naked and you turning him down! How funny and also how awkward would that have been. Spaghetti vongole does sound lush. Oh no I think its bad news if the local guy is commenting on his small size already. Noooo! The only guy that has told me that upfront, was indeed tiny and the sex was crap. There's only one way to find out!

@shit, just go casual then I think. Thats your normal style and its a daytime date too

I may need a handhold - I was on the thread a while ago, met a lovely guy and things have been so good. However, I had a horrible gut feeling this weekend but no evidence of anything. I thought it was my anxiety or just a bad weekend. However, it is still there so I have sent a long 'I kinda know something is up, just let me know either way what you want to do.' I think he may get annoyed so I am prepared to walk away. We have a holiday booked over Christmas too He is at work so hasnt read it yet and I have put my phone on 'do not distrub' but I keep checking...

@Minnie, what's making you anxious? Has his contact changed?

shit I'm the same with grammar and text speak. It's an immediate turn-off.

I'm 46 , and while I would imagine younger people using it, I find it strange when 40+ men use it.

@Cool Contact has really changed - he works shifts so I knew I wouldnt hear much from him last week as was on lates. But Friday, he said at like 9ish he was on his last job, then his phone was off, I assumed it was dead. I then got a 'nearby friend' notification saturday morning on FB with his location close to mine. I asked him and he said his phone died and he went to the gym. His gym is near mine but something doesnt seem right...

@Cool - Oops I meant hasnt really changed

@minnie, might be ok then? His phone might have died or are you thinking he switched it off for another reason

@cool I did think it had died to start with but the timings are just weird. He did reply and said that he is going through some issues himself but he told me the truth etc. I think I might just give him some space & see what happens.

@Minnie, thats all you can do. Maybe set a deadline in your head for how long you can wait

I'm back looking again.

3 guys

A- 36 yr old, Buisness Consultant. Lives in House share near London.
One serious previous partner.

B- 34 yr old. IT guy, busy social life. Few common interests. Chatty as and when.
Lacking previous girlfriends.

C- 34 Yr Old. Lives North London with parents. Coach Driver. Plays Bowls as a hobby. Quiet.
1/2 past girlfriends under 1 year.

I have met a but not b/c.

Meeting with a was OK, but not really my type. Too forward afterwards.
Would meet again though.

@Cool thanks, yeah I think that is all I can do. I think I would have usually just let it go but I saw a very good trust your gut quote on twitter. He hasnt responded again, but he is at work. I am getting nothing done today so will try and escape work early!

@unique, I'm always wary of house share, The guy I dated earlier this Spring was in a house share (also couldn't drive - was a nightmare). He wanted me to stay at his as he was nearer restaurants etc but was just a nightmare as I felt so uncomfortable sharing the house.

The weird thing about MrMusic is that we should never have matched in the first place as my max age is set at 48. I think it reset itself to 35-50 and he fell into my radar. Will be interesting to see what he is like but all the signs so far are good :-). He's had a few OLD relationships since his marriage ended too so hes not a total newbie.

@Minnie, when are you due to see your guy next?

@coolcahuna

Oh right yeh that could be weird.
He has already started talking about going somewhere for a weekend and booking a Holiday In Express.
Bit too soon.
Apparently I am too slow. Nah.

@Cool no def plans - it all normally depends on his work. We were meant to go do a joint hobby one evening and we discussed going out Friday. I feel like we need a proper chat though so may see if I can see him tonight... I tried to talk it all through Sunday but I just burst into tears so in a way I am glad I have written it all down this time.

Argh why do I find it so hard not to get over invested waiting for texts etc?

Oh Minnie that's unsettling, I would be the same. Hope you can talk to him and figure it out.

How do you all cope with dating multiple guys? I've had the one date and I already feel guilty chatting to others online now! He says he's not looking for anyone else, he can only cope with dating one person at a time... so I feel bad!

So after our one date MrCake and I are getting on like a house on fire. I really, really, really like his chat, his sense of humour, he's funny and we click immensely well. But he's rather keen on me which is slightly unsettling after one date. And I have this issue of me not fancying him on the first date... I really want to get past that, because I really like him.

He's away with work, and he's bought me a (food) present, bless. He's just lovely.

Hey All, I wasn't sure really where to share this as I didn't want to bump up my old thread but I had a bit of breakthrough in therapy today when we discussed Attachment theory. I basically came to the conclusion that my last relationship was a Anxious-Avoidant relationship' with me obviously having a 'anxious attachment style', It's why I found it so hard to get over my ex and why she acted in the way she did (not that it excuses her behaviour).

I kind of feel it was a eureka moment as I haven't really been able to move on with OLD since but now feel almost like a weight has been lifted and I can move on whilst being aware a bit more of things like attachment styles and what I need to look out for. It's a shame that OLD profiles don't list attachment styles :)

I'm happy for you but can you explain a bit more about what these attachment avoidant issues are?

Of course, there are basically three different types of attachment in adults; secure, anxious, or avoidant. They can be broken down further and if you google attachment types you can find definitions.

Depending on what type of attachment type you have compared to your partner can help you see how compatible you are and how toxic the relationship might end up becoming, this link and many others out there kind of explain what I went through; aloftyexistence.wordpress.com/2011/02/09/anxious-avoidant-trap/

@rich, the attachment styles are really interesting aren't they ! I am secure attachment style which is a dream for the anxious or avoidant as they get a steady partner.

I've dated both types in the last year or so. Avoidant-secure is really tough. Anxious- secure can be ok as the secure person can calm the anxious one. I'm now looking for another secure person like me as I feel I've done my bit !

@coolcahuna I've basically spent the entire day and evening reading about it, it's so interesting and such an eye opener.

Over the last few months I have been wondering how my ex could treat someone so badly but now I can understand why, it was her attachment style and even though I won't forget I can sort of now forgive. Of course because she was on the rebound from her divorce it would have been hard to spot her attachment style as she lovebombed me in the beginning but as soon as she returned to normal the whole avoidance came into play whereas due to my anxious attachment I became needy and insecure (although with good reason) as I just wanted that intimacy back. Now I can see it was never really there with her in the first place.

I can now also see why her marriage became loveless and sexless, she was married to another avoidant.