Dating thread 141 - fun and games

[Koko12]

Hope not stepping in anyone’s toes but thought I’d start the new thread as old one was full and I wanted to post!

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

cold I think if you don't find them physically attractive it is incredibly hard to go on to the next stage and I actually think it's kinder you say something sooner or later. So along the lines of being friends rather than anything more serious. I always think it's the worst sort of mix in a way - because you'll probably find he fancies you loads and it can really hurt if you don't nip it in the bud soon. Unless you're the type where a physical attraction can develop later, I really wouldn't let it carry on.

@HopelessWithNumbers I with you on Mr Theroux

Mr 5Kids is still messaging a lot but still haven't arranged a date until Dec 1st (kid schedules). I feel like driving over to his and shagging senseless (it's been so long!!)

I've spent loads of time with my ex and the children since we separated and divorced, but I shouldn't have trusted him to house sit while I was away with the children. He brought his gf - who I didn't know about at the time - to stay here. Grrr so disrespectful. Can't bear a coward

@wishywashy6 and @Coldneverbotheredmeanyway great advice thanks. I'm going to take it as it comes....he messaged me love hearts early this morning and said he hoped I had a good day so maybe i was just having a wobbly moment as I stopped to think about it too much and overanalyse it!

midcenturylegs sadly there was no call from LT last night so it looks like I’m left with Geoffrey.

I keep hoping he will cancel.

@HopelessWithNumbers - if you feel like that why don't you cancel? And do something else with your evening..

I did cancel a date last night (again because I wasn't feeling well) but was quite relieved in a way, he looked like someone I knew ages ago (it wasn't him, just had a certain look, and he came across as being a little arrogant).
@scotgal - so hard to not over-analyse everything!

@scotgal2017
Glad you're feeling better about things today, sometimes you get lost in your own head and before you know it you're stressing over a whole situation that hasn't even happened!

Enjoy it ☺️

midcenturylegs well part of me wants to meet him. I’ve been talking to him for so long I just think I might as well.
We’re meeting not far from where I live so there’s not much effort involved.

can I ask you how you would all feel about this? Ages ago and I mean ages ago, like more than 6 months ago, I had a 'thing' with a man. I really liked him. I mean really liked him. It moved to sex v quickly and the sex was amazing. But he said that he wasn't in the right space for a relationship so he only wanted it to be sex for the time being. I was fine with that as I thought (at that stage) something was better than nothing .

He then started pulling away a bit, cancelling dates we had set up, not talking to me at all in between etc. and I felt he was messing me around so sent him a 'thanks, you're lovely but this obviously isn't working' and wished him well. He sent me a message a few days later making it clear that he wasn't happy with my decision (!) and that was that.

So this week, like months later, I get a message from him saying he would like to see me again. He feels that everything was focused on the sex and he's not sure we could do 'normal' stuff together and it had all been too intense for him. I said err it was all about the sex because that's what YOU wanted it to be because you said you couldn't cope with a relationship. I said are you in a different space now, he said he wanted to try.

Do you think I should give him another chance? Since he has now said this, I have heard nothing from him. I don't want to push it if he feels it was too intense before!

Morning ladies, another week in the crazy world of OLD.

@coldneverbotheredmeanyway - has physical attraction ever grown for you? If it has, it might be worth continuing. It never has for me and I know within a couple of minutes whether its a HELL YEAH, YELL NO OR MAYBE. Never had a MAYBE become a HELL YEAH. And I think we all deserve the hell yeah both ways.

@florence, I have my settings quite far and I would travel an hour to see someone. I don't have much time in the week so most of my dating happens on the weekend anyway. You might be limiting your options if you're quite remote.

I totally agree on Louis Theroux! He looks alot like my ex brother in law so maybe not! Has anyone watched his recent programme on ethical non monogamy, eye opening! Its on BBC iplayer but for when there are no kids around.

@hopeless, let us know how you get on with your date. I guess you might as well see what he's like after all this chat!

I'm feeling irrationally pissed off about MrGeek . Even though I wasn't interested, I just think he's been quite rude!

He could either be trying to be more honest now (likely had forgotten he had said about the no relationship think to start with) and maybe in a better head space and ready for a real relationship.

Or...he could be smarting still and wanting to "clarify" that he is better now no thanks to you (etc etc). I don't know, but suggest a meet up would make it easier to know as texts don't give intonation so warning signs are missed.

I'm hopeful that he simply didn't know what he wanted at the beginning. Was he new to OLD? Maybe he's not a good "player" and went into it thinking he could just do sex then realised it wasn't for him and was a bit embarrassed to be open with you at the time? Fingers crossed.

Sorry - my last post was for daffo

thanks lonely. I tend to think the worst of men in OLD. The kind person in me thinks he got overwhelmed (which I think he did) and wasn't in the right space (I know he had a lot of outside issues at the time). The realistic dater in me says he had someone else on the go (and I still wonder whether he does now). I guess all I can do is meet up and see what he says. I just don't want to be mucked around as I really liked him.

daffo - just read your post again and found his reaction 1st time round a bit childish (ignoring you/cancelling you etc). I'd not chase him now but if he messages again maybe meet up and see what he has to say for himself. I'd stress to him that if you try again he has to be 100% honest with how he is feeling, unlike last time, stress communication.
Yes i'm aware most men have serious communication issues and run a mile when told something like this...

I think i'm living vicariously through you all now. I've still not got apps reinstalled!

daff I would leave it with him, if he likes you that much he will push on an develop an idea of what he wants this time. But keep your eyes open and don't get too attached.

All those talking about porn sex, simple and bottom line is, if they don't respect you in the bedroom, they sure as shit won't do in time out of it. It is entirely possible to have a fulfilling sex life, without all the shit people have experienced.

So news from me. I am still seeing FWB, although I think we might have started to enter relationship territory. We have discussed what happened last time, he freaked out because he thought I had just come out of a long term relationship and he couldnt wrap his head round wanting to get into another relationship so soon. I didn't he just decided himself that is what i wanted. Anyway, he has learnt from it ;) and now knows he needs to talk to me, and likewise. We are seeing each other a lot, he is sleeping over, sex is still amazing and I might have started to se ehim as a possible longer term prospect. I have a quarter of my left cheek on the smitten bench, but on the other hand wondering whether I should be single and see lots of different people. But I like him a lot, he is kind, funny and caring. When I last saw him he said that he thought he was lucky, but it was more than that and he couldn't describe it, he also commented on is this how it should be when you are in a relationship, which is sweet.

Anyway, for now it works, I like him a lot and it seems the feeling is mutual. And well, he blows my mind in the bedroom, so he can stay for now.

Typical though its like these men can sense something is going down in 24 hours 4 old tinder contacts messaged me. I am meeting Mr Surf/ski just to say goodbye as he heads to Austria for 6 months, and Mr Dutch English also asked if I wanted to meet up and "hang out". Mr French still keeps trying to reel me back in, and another guy I never actually met dropped a "hey".

@Daffo My first thought was that he is bored and probably wants to restart the FWB side of things.

If you want to see if he actually wants to have anything meaningful I would be clear that he will need to work for it. Proper dates and that kind of thing.

A good gauge to see if he is wanting more than just sex is whether or not he is willing to introduce you to his friends (particularly female ones) and happy to meet yours - basically to show you off. Guys will rarely do that if they just want sex as they won't be wanting to look a dick if that makes any sense.

Daffo if was being me I’d see him, but I have terrible boundaries and make awful decisions.

Do you know why he wasn’t able to have a relationship? Had he just come out of one? Maybe he’s moved on a bit now.
On the other hand that might just be the way he operates. Hard to know.

Daffo I would meet him because otherwise you will be wondering 'what if'. But make it clear you're meeting to discuss things - what happened before and what you both want for the future.

I decided to have a look at Match. I was on there about a year ago and had a couple of first dates. But I don't think I will bother to pay for it this time. It is the same faces on there as I saw a year ago. A few new ones but not many and no one I would want to date.

placemarking again

I’d meet him too @Daffo. If only out of curiosity. But I think you’re right to question his motives.

It sounds like tinder is going ok for you @shitwithsugaron. I’m sorry you had such a dreadful experience at the weekend. There definitely are good men (and good sex) out there.

It sounds like things are going well @pudding21. 1/4 smitten is probably a good place to be, as you’re still able to think clearly.

@Lonely I think living vicariously through other people’s dating experiences is sometimes better than the doing the OLD bit. 😂 Weirdly, having managed to meet someone I feel more invested in other people doing so than I ever did before.

@coolcahuna You’re absolutely right; everyone does deserve a HELL YES. A mutual one. I don’t think I’ve ever had attraction grow from nothing @coldneverbotheredmeanyway, but I know people for whom it does work like that. It needs to be something that can become a HELL YES though. ‘Oh alright then’ is not a good basis for anything. My experience of my ex (who I spent a bloody decade with 😳) was that a drunken ‘oh, it’d be easier just to shag you than to send you home’ turned into a ‘oh shit, we work together so I should make this work to save face professionally’ and a lot of effort to want to have sex. Inevitably that didn’t work out (and ended in really awful experiences). Really I should have had the confidence to think, ‘so what if we shagged’ and end it before it went anywhere. I’ve grown up enough now to think that it’s just sex and nothing shameful.

My proper relationship life is going well. But I’m remembering the advice about proper dates 😁. We were away at the weekend seeing a band in another city. We’re going away next weekend too (only to visit my hometown though).

I agree you should meet him @DaffoDeffo but don't be afraid of being upfront and clear about what you want and what you expect from him.
You'll never really know unless you try

yes true. Thanks all. I have a feeling he won't turn up. But we will see.

I have still not got the apps installed again either but I'm sure I will give in at some stage .

btw re sex, I have had the best sex of my life this year from online dating. And I'm in my mid/late 40s. I don't know why it happened but it was just incredible. 2 men in particular. Sadly nothing developed with either but they were both nights I will remember for ever!

@Daffo, why do you think he might not turn up?

And yes me too re the sex - with FWB and also someone that I dated at the start of the year. In fact the sex with him was so good, it made me go a bit doolally over him! Took me ages to see the light.

Can I ask some opinions on things moving on in dates?

So had date 2 with Mr Roses. Totally amazing chemistry and have had a good old snog.
We had a chat about dtd and both of us agreed that we should wait a bit to really get to know each other unless the building sexual tension kills us first!! It's been a while for both!

So I'm extremely sensible/a ridiculous worrier and so would not sleep with someone without a condom but I HATE them, however also feel until we get to the 'are we exclusive' chat it would unreasonable to ask him to go for a full sexual health screen (I do regularly before any new partner so i would too)
What do you guys think/do?
Sadly most men over 40 think stds are for teenagers but the biggest increase in new stds is in the over 35 category.

When do you guys have the chat?

Fwiw I think we are both the type to date one person at a time and probably it is exclusive already but you just never know until you ask!