Dating thread 141 - fun and games

[Koko12]

Hope not stepping in anyone’s toes but thought I’d start the new thread as old one was full and I wanted to post!

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

I don’t mention my financial independence at all. I do mention my career (post-doc, academia) in the hope I will match with someone similar (perhaps). I’ve never had anyone call me posh though.

@Lonely love your description of the London population of men. I’m in London and I find they are few and far between - maybe I’m just very fussy.

ha! that made me laugh lonely. The problem with London men is they may well be toilet trained (well some of them) but they also have a vast amount of choice! I found it very hard to get anyone interesting who wanted something serious. But there were a hell of a lot of them who were happy to just have a shag which wasn't really what I was looking for! So maybe there are swings and roundabouts....

@daffo how early on you realize they are after a shag? I know some will be very obvious from the messages but I wonder if there are some who try to hide it.

Yes I suspect it's different fish in different oceans. Which actually, you'd think would increase the likelyhood of finding the other 0.2% of the population who like to read as a hobby near me. Perhaps men in general don't see that as the type of 'fit' they are looking for.
I'm all for a blended family situ, big family meals at home, walks with a dog, reading together in bed, going on activity holidays - that's my dream outcome. I just seem to find guys who want to watch Strictly, go to the pub on Sundays with their mates to watch sport, only eat curry and have either a car or bike obsession. One guy said he hadn't read a single book since school, which just depressed me. I guess I've got to dig down to the ones who are on the same wavelength. I just don't want the time wasting in between (found myself swiping if they are holding pints/in a footy shirt/next to car or motorbike/have pleather sofa in the background - far too picky .

@lonely there are a fair few who give the V sign in their pics. No idea what that’s about. You sound really fab and I hope you meet someone great.

Thanks milo. I'll get back on the wagon again soon.
Maybe they think the V is a bit of a throwback to Churchill? Nationalist or peace though? Very odd! What is the side V all about; arm around a mate and a geezer style half-cocked V nearer the camera with the other hand?

Date number 5 tonight and he's coming over! I've even treated myself to some new underwear! Just got to make sure the 3 yr old stays asleep!

milo I don't know. To their credit, some men told me outright on the first date and in a way, I always always appreciated their honesty. There were a few, and in the main they were always fantastic first dates, who only told me after I had slept with them that they wanted nothing serious and honestly, up to that point, I would never have guessed. They were attentive, good in bed and wonderful companions. But the minute they saw a HINT of me wanting more than just something casual, they were out of there. I didn't get ghosted, other than the one guy who actually came back and spoke to me afterwards.

I am seeing him tonight as he has a new girlfriend now but tbh, there is no way it is a long term thing for him and I think he's being very unfair as I can see she has totally fallen for him so I'm having a conversation with him tonight about how he needs to be honest with her.

I do think there are a lot of men in our age group, and I'm talking the 45+ group in London, who are realising they can go out and sleep with a load of women and have fun with a load of women without having to do what they would see is the 'serious' side of dating. That's fine I guess as long as you are being honest about it!

I think they love using the 'I'm just not emotionally available' for a relationship as a get out clause. Which personally I think is an excuse for 'I'd like to shag a lot of women and just have fun'. Not a criticism but I think it's only fair if you are honest about it.

@daffo I’m feeling very pessimistic at the chances of meeting anyone who wants something to develop beyond a shag. MrItalian has stated on his profile (very nicely) he’s looking for friendship and hopefully more BUT he has a motorbike .

I can imagine the 45+ crowd not wanting anything deep as they probably feel liberated from previous marriages.

we must do that meet up

@daffo @midcentury and anyone else who wants to do a London meetup to share dating stories, insights, and tips - let’s do it!

What days and times suit you? I prefer a weekend but could do an evening with some planning.

I was briefly on these threads before/in the summer under a different name. I think I had a better OLD experience than I realised or, at least, I did manage to meet someone actually great (we’ve been together nearly 5 months now and it’s all brilliant).

What prompted me to post is to wave at @shitwithsugaron. I’ll PM you to catch up (because you’ll definitely recognise my previous username). I agree with everyone else that a bit of time and distance from this one might be helpful for you. It really doesn’t sound like he’s in any shape to be seeing anyone at the moment.

And also to note that in my (not extensive) OLD experience I learned that I hate coffee dates. I had 2 coffee dates and they were awful (both guys wanted to see me again, but I wasn’t interested - especially not in the guy that didn’t so much as properly greet me when I arrived and then talked about how much he hated his ex most of the time). The single pub first date I went on was much better.

Actually, I’m not sure I can generalise from this sample. The main difference might just be that date no. 3 was brilliant (and we mutually really liked each other, and still do) and just happened to be in a pub. But being in a pub did help with the inherent initial awkwardness of the situation I think. I’d have really liked date no. 3 wherever it happened though.

I might be able to make a London meetup if it was on a weekend. I'm an hour outside London. Evenings would be difficult.

@twice what a lovely post and a great reminder that there is hope for us struggling to meet a good person.

London meetup people - shall I set up a whatsapp/email group rather than clog up this board. I am totally flexible about where we meet in/around London at the weekend as I can drive (unlike many of the men some you have matched with ).

How do you move on from a couple of dates, to an actual relationship,? how do you have the exclusive chat, ?how do you know that they areally not still looking or seeing others?

@Milomonster There definitely is hope. I was initially a bit embarrassed by responding to ‘where did you meet him?’ questions with ‘Tinder’. But usually the response has been a comment about how everyone they know who has met someone in the last few years met them on Tinder. So there is most definitely hope (even if OLD does sometimes seem pretty hopeless). One of my colleagues said he’d been to 3 weddings in the past year where they’d met on Tinder.

@Butterfly555 My boyfriend and I didn’t have an ‘exclusivity’ chat at all. He did pretty quickly tell each other that we liked each other. After we had slept together he said he didn’t think he needed to use tinder any more and would like to think of me as his girlfriend. So we both deleted it.

I don’t think either of us would have been any good at casual dating, tbh. I certainly wouldn’t have been capable of juggling multiple irons (I’m amazed at the multitasking skills on this thread). So it’s probably for the best that we met each other quickly. I was his first OLD date; he was my 3rd (and, hopefully, the last ever!).

milo have sent you my number for whatsapp

TWICEMAGIC that's lovely.
What if the man doesn't initiate the conversation, how would/did you?

@Butterfly555
I'd say it depends on the circumstances and what both you and the other person both want from it.
I had a gut feeling about my bf from early messages but didn't want to over invest so continued chatting with others and going on dates. I was his first date from OLD.... he was about my 21st 😂
After dating him for about 4 weeks (dates once or twice a week) we had the exclusive chat and deleted our dating profiles. He'd already deleted all the apps off his phone before we had the chat but at that point he officially removed his profiles and I did mine.
I guess you never really can be sure that they're not chatting to anyone else, any more than they can be sure you're not doing the same but as with any relationship it comes down to trust.

Once you've had 'the chat' I suppose it's then no different to any other relationship. You've got to trust they're being honest with you unless they give you reason to doubt.

For me personally 4 weeks felt about right, any sooner would have felt too soon for me but I'm sure it's different for others. We've been together 4 months now so it's still a relatively new relationship but I felt so much better for having the chat with him. It's nice to be reassured that you're feelings are reciprocated ☺️

Aww thanx WISHYWASHY, another lovely story.

I don’t know what I’d have done - probably overthought it dreadfully. He’s the person most likely to actually say how he feels that I’ve ever met. When we first started seeing each other I showed my friend the messages and she laughed about how totally uncool he was playing it. And not in some suave, player way (I showed my friend the messages so she could look at them more objectively.

To be honest, it was just really obvious that we both wanted to be in a relationship with each other. So I think we’d have muddled through and ended up in the same situation.

I think other people may have more useful advice though.

@Butterfly555 @TwiceMagic

I was the one that brought it up with me and my bf. I'd rather just get things out in the open rather than be left wondering. I basically said something along the lines of "so we've been seeing each other nearly 4 weeks now, do you feel ok deleting your dating profile and being exclusive or do you want to keep open to seeing others? I'm cool with either just want to make sure we're on the same page"
His response was that he thought we were already exclusive anyway and he didn't want to see anyone else.
If it'd gone the other way then I'd have handled it, at least you know one way or another 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes. Knowing where you stand is useful. My boyfriend sent a WA message about 10 days after we’d met (although we messaged for 2 weeks before meeting due to incompatible schedules that fortnight) saying that he was going to delete his profile because he didn’t feel he needed it any more. Then when I saw him he told me he thought of me as his girlfriend. So there was no need (or opportunity) for me to overthink it.