Dating thread 141 - fun and games

[Koko12]

Hope not stepping in anyone’s toes but thought I’d start the new thread as old one was full and I wanted to post!

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@RunsforCake14
It's often the ones who talk a big game from behind their screens who turn out to have not much more to them!
I met a guy like that once, he sounded confident and sure of himself in his messaging but when I got to the date he was literally shaking with nerves and I had to keep the conversation flowing to avoid awkward silences.
It could of course just have been that he was very nervous, he might be kicking himself that he didn't perform better! Have you spoken since the date?

@RunsforCake14 Oh that's a shame. Did he let on what was the kinky bit? :-) Maybe dominatrix / submission...

I have on Bumble that I've got kids and don't want more (not really possible anyway at 46!). Always swipe left on guys who like me yet say they want kids. Doh. Clearly don't know anything about the female reproductive cycle..!

yes I always put on my profile that I have and don't want more. And I still got loads who wanted fgs. Like errr I don't think so!

I am enjoying having a break from it but I am not sure how long I will last

I'm thinking of getting some new photos done. runs was it you that had yours done professionally? I always look awful in mine as I'm relying on my kids to take them fgs!

wishy he was very nervous. Kept covering his mouth with his hand. He seemed like a nice guy but there was something a bit unnerving about him. I imagine him being the one at the office that no one speaks to because he's a little weird.
He messaged after the date to say he enjoyed meeting me and thought I was very gorgeous and sexy. He's about 11 years younger than me!

midcentury he hinted at dom/sub being his kink. I can't imagine it somehow though. And I swear when I asked what he liked to do, he said watch loads of porn. But it was said very quietly and he quickly said a few other things.

Daffo a friend of mine is a professional photographer and did some photos for me. Not sure they've helped. But it gave me a big confidence boost.

thanks runs I will have a think about it. I have one photo that everyone always comments on but the rest are a bit lame. Just thinking while I have the time off how I can use it productively before I start again at some point!

DaffoDeffo My phone camera can take lots of photos in rapid succession so I usually end up picking one I think semi decent out of the many, many bad ones. No idea if any of them are any good of course

@RunsforCake14 age is just a number so I wouldn't let that alone be a factor (my bf is 11years younger than me!)

Office weirdo - doesn't matter so much as long as YOU like him. He might not be that weird when the nerves subside 🤷🏼‍♀️
Text - I'd be slightly put off by someone who can be so fluent with compliments behind a screen but not to my face BUT if you like him I'd be prepared to give him a chance to prove this was down to his nerves
Porn - bit of an odd admission on a first date (especially to say it the way you described) although I'm fairly sure I openly covered it with my bf on our first date.
Maybe the Dom/ Sub thing is more of a fantasy than a reality? Or is he Christian Grey in disguise? 🧐

Did you feel like you could have a joke with him? Get him to expand further in a light hearted kind of way?

Oh shit I'm so sorry x that sounds terribly hard

I would suggest you try and put him out of your mind while he recovers and maybe do some casual dating but it doesn't look like you'll be able to do that

I had a v similar situation a few years ago. The hard part is that you can't get them out of your head yet all the control is in their hands (it's when he recovers, when he feels well enough to text you back etc.).

Only thing that can really help is time. But don't forget you may be committing yourself to a life time of this. And if you feel you can cope with that then great. But if you can't, now is the time to break away :(

@shitwithsugaron

I feel for you, I've been in a similar situation before and know exactly how you're feeling although in my case I was never quite sure if the person in question was being completely honest or just using MH as an excuse to be a dick. He too had crisis team involved etc, each time as a result of a suicide attempt when he'd had too much to drink.
We'd had tears and declarations of love to him disappearing for days/ weeks to go on another bender and then the cycle continued.
I loved and cared about him very much at the time but the only way I could break the cycle was to cut all contact completely and move on. You can't fix him, only he can do that for himself.
If and when he recovers then perhaps you can try again but my honest advice right now would be to put yourself first and walk away

midcentury did you say you were in London? if so we have probably been swiping on the same guys! (we're the same age)

I went out a few weeks ago with a friend of mine and her friend popped in and she was a bit younger (late 30s) but had her age range set up to catch the bottom range of mine and had been swiping on similar guys (on bumble) and having conversations with them! We compared notes. It's amazing how different the conversations were!

@shit you sound like a patient and caring person and I hope he pulls through so that you can both continue together.

@daffo I applaud your self-control at not reinstating your Bumble account!

@runs - first thing that came to mind was Asperger’s but, of course, I could be wide off the mark.

Still messaging MrItalian - he only seems to maessage post-midnight. So, we are managing an exchange a day. He does ask very thoughtful and interesting questions. He seems to have the most beautiful physique, rides a motoribike, and is very clever.

you know it's funny, I was thinking about the messaging thing and there's another thread on the board at the moment about a guy who is trying to cheat behind someone's back....I do think one of the warning flags should be ongoing conversations where they ask nothing about you. I've had a few men like this and actually, thinking back on it, it's always been a sign that they were never that interested.

milo not sure how long I will last and if I come back, whether the men I matched with before will be pissed off with me (I didn't ghost anyone, i did tell the ones that had active conversations with me that I was going off it for a bit...!!). I do need a break from it but the xmas period is hard and I KNOW I will get lonely.

I've already had 3 invitations to things where they've said 'oh you can bring someone if you like' and when I've said I haven't got anyone to bring, they said 'well you have 5 weeks to find someone'

Errr if only it was that fucking easy! x

shitwith I think you maybe need to meet some more people and remember how 'normal' dating feels? It seems very early to be using the word love, particularly in such a seemingly volatile situation? I am not sure if you have had a history with exes who are similar, but it sounds a smidge like you may be attracted to a type? Maybe try the complete opposite on a date and see how it makes you feel? Sometimes I think we can be attracted to men who need help if we want to mother them/take a bit of control (guilty of this myself) and it can mean we end up back in a bad situation further down the line.

I'm just wondering about what to put on profile. I have one dd - do I put a pic with her? Do I say I have a house/car/cats etc? Or do you leave financials until later? Struggling a little as have been watching Hussey who says to 'sell yourself' but I'm also worried men might just see it as a free ride... I'm also poss a bit too 'negative' on my profile - eg I don't want a man who likes XYZ and saying I don't usually get out much in the evenings. I was trying to manage expectations but suspect guys just eyeroll and move on?

Also re the coffee thing...is it just me who wants to check you aren't wasting a whole evening with a twat? I see it as a bit of a drive-by; you get to check they don't smell, talk in a way you don't like, look like their profile, want to make an effort and aren't raging alcoholics in the day?

shit that is really tough. Like Daffo says, he has all the control here in your relationship. All you can do is wait for him to recover. And could you cope if it happens again? You need to think about your mental health as well.

Daffo re photos, although my professional ones are good, I get a lot of comments from a couple that are just well edited selfies. I spent an afternoon with different outfits, various rooms in my house, outside in the garden and the phone propped up on books. I look like I'm having a great time at a party. In reality I'm just laughing at myself (but don't tell my dates!)

wishy completely agree with what you wrote. Given that he mentioned about being kinky and was throwing around so many compliments, I expected someone quite confident. I was thrown to find he was so nervous and quiet.
He doesn't do a lot of texting. It took him a day to reply to my message asking where we should meet.
We discussed a restaurant that I liked and he said we should go there for our next date. I agreed. But whether that was just talk on the night, it is difficult to know. And I'm not sure if I want to find out more about the dom/sub thing until I've decided if I like him enough.

@shitwithsugaron I think you are being too hard in yourself. Maybe FBW guy is exactly what you need at the moment while you are in limbo. That way you are keeping busy and distracted instead of waiting for a guy who mightn't even contact you again. If he gets the help he needs great then you can pick up where you left off bit in the meantime keep busy

FWB even !!

shit you are not an idiot, really you are not. You're actually a kind and decent person trying to give him a chance. The problem is that ALL the control is in his hands which is why it feels so awful for you xx

lonely I would lay off the negative stuff on your profile. I just think other than saying you don't want more kids (if you don't want more kids), that anything negative makes me think negative things about that person. For example, there are a few men who are v specific on their profile about not wanting XYZ and I just think fgs, come on, why not be a bit more positive!

Don't say anything about your financial situation, don't say that you can't get out! Just say what you like. I had one pic with my kids on my happn profile and that seemed ok (but my kids are both nearly adults). I didn't have any on bumble with my kids but I did mention they were older.

Daffo ok, that's good to know. I was trying to pare down odd messages on sites other than Bumble (when you get 50 a day just saying Hey/Hi/You look fit, etc). I think I just felt overwhelmed and wanted to put off the ones who wouldn't fit. I'm thinking I'm a bit picky tbh - I can't stand 'geezer' type convo's and generally, those men make me feel bad by calling me 'posh' - am actually just educated middle class. I think my self-esteem is a bit low atm and comments like that make me feel like more of an alien when I can't seem to meet anyone here who isn't obsessed with footy.

shit don't put yourself down! We've all been there with unsuitable guys. Just be kind to yourself and try new guys out. You may surprise yourself

@shitwithsugaron you're definitely being too hard on yourself but I totally get it. You feel like you should be there for them, that you should stand by them and you desperately don't want to let go so you keep sending the messages in the hope that he'll reply to the next one if not the one before.
He's obviously not in a place where he can offer what a healthy relationship requires, especially at the start so I really really think you need to let him go

@RunsforCake14 re the coffee thing. Think it depends on the guy and how much messaging you've done etc.
With some I met them for a casual drink as I wasn't sure I could be arsed with a full meal with them etc but that was usually if not many messages had been exchanged first. The guy I'm with now we'd been messaging for nearly a month prior to meeting and had spoken pretty much daily about everything and anything. I felt so comfortable with him (I know it's not real til it's happened etc but I went with my gut) so I felt completely happy going out for a full evening with him. I wasn't sure if I found him physically attractive from his pics (was pleasantly surprised irl) but I knew we'd get on.
As it happened we ended up getting thrown out of the restaurant as we didn't realise they'd shut and we were stopping them from going home 😆

I know what you mean lonely, which other sites are you on? If you are working in the city, I can recommend happn if that's the type of man you like to meet as you tend to get a lot of professional men crossing paths with you.

I'm going to have a proper think about which sites to go on when I come back as I never tried tinder and I'm thinking that is probably the best (bumble I just found overwhelming, POF I never had a message from anyone half decent, happn has been ok). I tried match this time as I had quite a lot of success with it last time but didn't get anyone decent (and I was very honest about myself on there lol!).

I've actually come off them all for a couple of weeks. I never seemed to be able to get anyone to agree a date/time to meet up . I'm not unattractive/slim/own hair and teeth etc, so I can only assume it's my profile negativity or the fact I only want coffee/lunch dates until I've checked them out. I think Bumble was best but has a small amount of ppl on it I think in my area. I'm not currently working (have the luxury of being a SAHM for a bit) but that means' i'm stuck in the town where I live and villages around. I often look at the London men and it's like another planet full of handsome, toilet trained, educated unicorns