Dating thread 141 - fun and games

[Koko12]

Hope not stepping in anyone’s toes but thought I’d start the new thread as old one was full and I wanted to post!

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Are there any apps where you can search internationally? Need to widen my horizons, I think.

On Bumble, a guy asked at 10pm if I wanted to join him for tea. In the first few messages, I made clear I was divorced and had a child. So, I said my child was in bed and I was unable to. Haven’t heard back from him...

I don’t think it is ghosting after a few messages and no meeting but still it’s a bit hurtful when the expectation of meeting has been built up and nothing happens. I know it’s normal and I need to develop a thicker skin. I started going to the gym for the first time in my life and it’s really helping. I feel so much more motivated to push myself physically than I ever have and it’s a great way to work out a shitty day.

@Whoknows11 I'm usually very sensitive though and also tend to get emotionally invested a lot. Maybe he had good reasons and was busy?

I think the ghosting thing is difficult. Most men if I didn't want to see them again I said so and wished them well. But there were a few I couldn't make my mind up instantly and did see them again and I did let some conversations drift. Not because I wanted to ghost anyone but also because they weren't particularly chasing me either. If they had asked, I would have said something.

I do think some people are a lot more sensitive than others. One of the reasons I came off OLD now was one man who I hadn't met but had been occasionally messaging got really upset when I didn't move the messages to a meet up. I was at the point where I was getting a lot of likes a day (because I think men were just swiping on everyone), then messaging and only getting about half replying and it simply became too much effort!

Coffee date done. Still no sign of things moving on. It's making me feel awkward and not attractive now. He makes no attempt to touch me at all other than a kiss at the end of the date. No hand holding, hand on back when at the bar. Nothing. No sign of affection at all. I'm not sure how to move it past this without coming across wrong. Conversation flows and is easy, he is good company. I don't know. We're going to the cinema on Tuesday. If nothing changes I'm out. Surely he'll hold my hand in the cinema?!!

Hate to say this changeoflife but I would really try and bring it to some sort of physical situation! I only say this as I had one like this and it turned out he had herpes and didn't want to tell me till he was sure we liked each other enough! It may be nothing or it may be that he's hiding something he needs to tell you....

Hey all,

Just wondering what the reason might be a girl I went on a date with a year ago might match with me again?

I matched with her last year on Bumble. We had a nice date and had a few drinks last November I think it was and we parted, the next day I got the standard 'sorry no spark' message the next day when I asked if she wanted to go out for dinner sometime.

This time we have matched on Hinge and she has liked one of my photos - I matched her and now it's 'her turn' to write to me. Could she have just forgotten?

changeoflife Definitely worth bringing up at some point on your next date if it's the same situation. If theres no attempt to show he's interested or affectionate then it sounds like two friends going out more then anything else.

I'm on a current streak on Bumble of 5 matches but no first message lol. The only contact I've had is from Bumble asking me to rate the app

Change he sounds similar to how Mr Marathon was, I think we went on 5 dates before I pounced on him and then when I did finally get him in bed he vanished (and returned 6 months later with an excuse about him ‘going through a tough time’). I like to feel wanted and atractive, I like hand holding and kissing so I found it really awkward dating someone who didn’t seem interested in any of those.

Hey everyone,
Loving reading all your tales and stories.
Iv joined OLD in the last few months, it's quite stressful!!
Went on my first date 2 weeks ago, nothing came of it.
Went on another date lastnight week, he is nice and been messaging me a fair bit, so I'm hoping for a second date.
Just because I have never done this before I'm wanting to know,
How do things progress from the first date?
Is it normal to have a slow start sometimes?
I can't get out very often due to childcare, so can't see hI'm all that often.
How does that work in people's experiences, the lack of childcare, how do you work it?

@Butterfly555 I get 2 nights off a fortnight and too are finding it tricky to fit in dates. I ideally need a babysitter but can’t afford one!

I’ve asked my date over to mine this week once my children are in bed. He seems keen and it’ll be our 5th date so feel he’s not a complete stranger!

I’m guessing you’ll make ways around it if you’re both keen!

Ewwww I hadn't even considered a herpes situation!! I was thinking acorn penis perhaps. Whatever it is, its very odd and completely new territory for me. I've never in all my 48 years had this situation before. I even picked him up today and dropped him off.... not so much as a hint of being invited into his house....

Butterfly, I use sitters.co.uk for babysitters. It costs £15 every 3 months for the membership then each booking is usually about £8 an hour plus a £4 booking fee. It's not cheap but it is very reliable and an excellent peace of mind service. I've used it for years now and never had a problem at all. I've built up a good bank of regular sitters now so never get one that I haven't met before. I can't afford to use it loads but I do use them a once or twice a month.

change I doubt it’s anything like acorn penis or herpes 🤣
I think a lot of men are now petrified of making the first move, there’s so much in the media now about men being accused of sexual assault i think if puts fear into some men. I have had a few irons lately who were not comfortable making the first move. Mr Marathon deffently didn’t have a micro penis or herpes .

WHOKNOWS yes I see what you mean, my children hardly see their dad, so maybe for a few hours here or there!!
Never overnight.
I think it's a good decision to have him over when your children are in your bed. I may end up doing that at some point
I also know what you mean about if you like eachother enough, then it can work.
CHANGE thanks for that , I may look that babysitting service up, good to know you have used them successfully for so long
Thanks ladies x

My daughter never has overnights with her Dad, she's old enough now to not need a sitter (used to stay with grandparents) but of course that means she's home so no coming in for a coffee possible.

Evening all just had my date with Mr Geek, was hoping for a proper snog so I could see and we ended up having a really awkward kiss at the end. Like neither of us had a clue. Awkward. He's a really nice guy but I think the chemistry just isn't there.

@richdeniro
The best thing to do would be to ask her outright, she's the only one who knows why she's done it!

@richdeniro She's forgotten she's already met you. No more to it than that.

cool one thing I have learned is if the chemistry isn't there, there's not much point carrying on going! It's painful when it's like that

I woke up this morning and partly felt sad that I wasn't swiping on 25 profiles to see if I liked them but also partly pleased. Just can't make up my mind about this whole thing. I just wish it was less time consuming then I'd probably carry on doing it but I guess there are no shortcuts!

rich she may remember you and her life is just in a different place now where she wants to revisit matching with you or she may just have forgotten! No harm in seeing what she wants!

Getting back to what @love said on previous page re ghosting. I don't consider someone you've chatted to online who disappears as ghosting.

I say it's when you've built up a rapport online, met in person, maybe dtd after a couple of dates or even first date.

You leave it a couple of days, hear nothing and then send a light hello message and the silence is deafening. If you really liked the person, had great chemistry (or thought you had ) then this is ghosting to my view.

Cue analysis of everything that happened. What you did wrong blah blah. If you're a strong person with high self esteem you can maybe shrug it off quickly.

If not, then it can cut deep. Especially if you've set out to overcome your past, move forward, be authentic and then find a ton of shit cascading over you!

But still we keep moving forward .

Saturday night I was supposed to meet someone who I'd been chatting to for a few weeks. Long story but he'd disappeared online but came back.

Thought we'd got things pretty good. At 6 pm I text to confirm we're still on and got deafening silence. After him being keen the previous night. Is this ghosting? I'd say so really but luckily my armour has been strengthened so wasn't too affected by it!!

Reading bits and pieces here - just wanted to say @Eraser on Bumble men can't message first - it has to be you :-) So if you have 5 matches go for it!

I had a date on Sat but I was so nervous completely screwed it up. Totally unlike me but having extricated myself from a long relationship with someone with ASD I've lost so much confidence in myself as a woman. Argh! @rich - I think I could benefit from some advice from you!

@Azziazam - that's pretty rubbish... but good on you for wearing your armour and not your heart on your sleeve :-)

Longtime lurker (and have NC) wandering in to say hi..
Resolutely single for the past 10 years through choice whilst I try and juggle raising TheKid and working FT
Took the plunge and signed up to bumble last night; amazing how many guys don’t have any info on their profiles...mind reading isn’t one of my many skills!
Not convinced that I a) have the time/energy/inclination to date or b) that I really want to, I’m rather happy not having to compromise on anything! However, figured I would at least check out what I’m missing out on
Not likely to be a frequent poster here but wanted to say hi and thanks for all the hints/tips in how to survive the online dating world....how things have changed (and I’m not even that old!)

Hey @midcenturylegs

Don't worry or beat yourself up over the confidence thing, it just takes time. What kind of dates are you going on? Maybe stick to a quick coffee for now until you feel more ready to go for drinks as the coffee ones tend to be a lot more low key and you don't have to sit there for hours.

It will come and you'll get better in time. Also Bumble has a BFF option so you can just search for friends rather than dating, perhaps do that for a while until you feel ready to progress to dating.

midcenturylegs Unfortunately (! ) I'm a male so it's out my hands! It's quite funny though as there are so many profiles that say 'message me if you want to know more'. I saw one on Bumble yesterday which started 'Thought I'd give finally give Tinder a go' lol. Don't be so hard on yourself either, like you've said you've come out of a long relationship so it'll take a while for you to adjust and get back into the swing of things.

SwipingRSI Welcome to the thread, great username

Azzizam I don't think ghosting is a strong enough word in that situation. I'd add several expletives myself to describe him.