He threw chocolate cake at me?

[Willow789]

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

Sorry, I just re read your post and you mention he has never done anything like this before.

*OP's DH feels he deserves coffee breaks, even when he's still there well past the time he promised to be home. Does OP get breaks? Not by the sound of it!

IT sounds like OP is past breaking point: no sleep, an exclusively breasfed, needy baby, little and a DH who feels he deserves breaks from it all. And OP also noted that normally she takes DS to football and brings the baby with her to do it ... meaning DH gets Saturday mornings to himself, too, probably after a good night's sleep while she deals with a non sleeping baby.

And now he's going to get a quiet house to himself for the night because he's driven OP out of it by throwing something at her and calling her names for being upset and depressed, knowing her history of PPD.*

This. All of this. I can't believe some of the replies on here. MN is disgusting of late.

Sugar, did you miss the bit where the OP described how the baby wakes for feeding all night and won't sleep during the day?

She is struggling because this has been going on for four months.

I am struggling to understand what is so bad about you looking after your own baby, He had one child and you had the other. I think you were being extremely childish and annoying.

However throwing cake in your face and calling you a stupid bitch is totally out of order.

I would have be stressed if tired and hormonal too but honestly, you were being a little unreasonable. Sorry OP. He didn't do anything wrong and kept you updated the entire time.

He had one child and you had the other.
Actually Alfie19, the DS was at OP's DM's from what I understand, while the DH was off having a relaxing afternoon of coffee and chitchat with his DM.

He didn't do anything wrong
He threw something in his wife's face and called her a "stupid bitch" before storming out! Because she was crying, stressed, and overreacting about him being late - after dealing with a sick, needy baby all day while he was off having coffee and chit-chat with his mum.
You don't think that's wrong??

I think you need to kiss and make up. You say this isn't his normal behaviour. Rise above it and say sorry. But make him clear the cake up.

This^

We have all overreacted at some point, I know we have! Apologise, to each other and if you think pnd is happening go and see the doctor. I've been there, it's not pretty, just ask for some help and get yourself back on an even keel.

Assuming you made him dinner, I suggest you tip it on the floor.

I am struggling to understand what is so bad about you looking after your own baby

OP has said the baby was up all night and that she hasn’t slept. Can you really not imagine “what is so bad” about looking after a screaming 4mo without a break when you have had no sleep the night before?

Throwing cake was a bit ridiculous but then I think it’s a bit strange that you’re struggling to manage one Dd on your own. I think yabu and so is he.

you are very wrong, the cake throwing was abusive not ridiculous, and i do hope the OP lets her husband know thats his one free pass to be abusive as the next time he uses his hands to hurt will be the last time he has hands!
and not being able to cope??? seriously??? well how kind and supportive you are ( no that was actually a very cunty thing to say)
My first slept in 20 min stretches then screamed in pain and often followed that with projectile vomiting, fun!, i had to move back in with my mother so i had someone to help me, it was so hard having so little sleep and trying to keep a tiny baby alive, ALONE! so OP i understand just how tired you are!! im glad your parents have stepped up and are giving you a much needed rest and helping you.
As a side note... my first came right when i changed her from breast milk to lactose free formula, i didnt want to but thought it was worth a try and well, she slept 13.75 hours that first day on formula, so i guessed she was just in too much pain the whole damn time, from then on it was the lactose free formula all the way and she became very normal, sleeping, not screaming in pain, no more projectile vomiting etc and i got to sleep as well... so might be worth a try also?

Hope you're feeling better after a sleep today op

Your husband sounds like a knob. Can you stay with your parents for a while? Might be best.

My take from this is, the situation which caused it is irrelevant. Op was upset. She explained why she was upset. Surely, a decent person wouldn't then verbally or any other form attack the person they love? instead of being met with any consideration for how she felt, she was dismissed and shouted at. Would it have been. Beyond the realm of reasoning for him to have taken a few seconds to assess the situation and hug her, instead of escalating it? Op, I'd watch out for a pattern if I were you.

if I came home and my oh was crying, I wouldn't shout and call them names. Wtf is wrong with a lot of you today.

Many of these posts read as if written by young men, who think they know it all and who have no children.

Got any plans for the rest of Half Term chaps?

Sadly, Lottie, I don’t think the minimising posts are written by men. They’re written by women who had easy babies, no PND and supportive partners and who are so lacking in imagination and empathy that they cannot understand how other mothers’ experiences can be different. Or, they had no support themselves and are bitterly resentful of anyone who does so they take pleasure in kicking other women when they’re down as an outlet for their suppressed frustrations. Or they accept poor treatment from their partners and are keen to normalise it so that they don’t have to face up to their own problems.

Well said, @Lottie.

I'm horrified at the thought, @Captain. Toxic femininity - defend the men at all costs. Shocking.

Hope you're feeling better this morning, OP X

I was on his side until the cake throwing and name calling bit.
I've been out before, busy trying to ferry people around etc, stopped for a brew and I know the traffic is bad at the moment, so id rather sit tight and make a move once I think it'll have died down. Probably get home at a similar time. Or perhaps his mum and he lost track of time chatting, catching up, maybe she was telling him something she considered to be important? It happens, being late happens. He kept in touch and did everything right. You acknowledge that you reacted badly. I too would have been irritated and a bit upset if I came home to you crying because I got stuck in traffic. Now if he had of thrown the cake in general frustration and it happened to hit you, honestly I would have expected him to grovel and apologies because he would recognise that his frustration got the better of him and his behaviour was unacceptable. I wouldn't expect him to call you a stupid bitch! But you say he threw it on purpose and with aim at your face? Wrapped or did he unwrap it? One could be chalked up to frustration and not thinking it through, the other would be purpose humiliation. Neither are good, but one is worse.

I hope you had a good night sleep and can reflect on this today. Decide how you would like to move forward but make sure it begins with one hell of an apology from him.

Like previous posters, I’m really appalled at some of the comments on here. Glad many others have rallied to help the OP with sensible reactions and support. It was cruel and pathetic of your husband to throw the cake at you and call you misogynistic names. Disgusting behaviour.
Thank goodness for your parents. Enjoy your day today and good luck at the GP tomorrow.

I think it’s the “stupid bitch” that’s the problem - you are both under stress, both exhausted and he did take the piss by being out all day when you have a young baby and no sleep. Throwing the cake at you I get as he knew it wouldn’t hurt you - calling you a bitch is no way acceptable.

This thread is depressing. I had a baby that did not sleep, and just cried. I could not take him out the house because he would scream the place down. I ended up in tears many times.
I remember one day, after a failed lunch attempt with a friend, crying on the train. This lovely lady spoke to me and made me feel much better, this too would pass and I was doing the best job I could by taking baby home. Thank goodness she did not say ask me why I was making such a fuss, it was only one baby!
I tried to get a HV to come to the house because I was worried about the constant crying, not sleeping and needed support. I was told to bring baby to the clinic, which missed the point that I could not get him out the house without him becoming distressed.
He has since been diagnosed with sensory issues and autism.
Not saying this is the issue with the OP’s baby, just have some compassion!

An unsupportive husband and a high needs baby would drive many people to distress.

I remember how hard it is with a young baby - so exhausting

Yes - poster above me is right - you must feel so stressed xxx

Hmm, some are I'm sure. The number of tunnel-vision 'this is how it is for me', no awareness of other experiences, no attention paid to broader questions that go beyone the individual on here, never ceases to amaze me. I'm just not quite willing to believe that about all of them. Particularly the 'but how could looking after one baby make you tired?' type. That's just goady ignorance. (Try it for a week mate, then you'll know).

Losing whole nights of sleep to unsettled babies, often repeatedly and feeling rather desperate, emotional and experiencing magnified feelings of frustration about small things - especially 'handover times' - is normal early parenting experience.

I’m not saying cake throwing is ok btw