He threw chocolate cake at me?

[Willow789]

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

Sorry, that was to CaptainBrickbeard

I dont think the criticism was reasonable at all. His mum's having her grandson over night, the least he could do is have a cup of coffee and a chat with her to say thank you. She's not the childminder.

He should not have thrown the cake at you. You should not have thrown him acting like a decent son back in his face either.

@disabrie "throwing the cake is OK because he knew it wouldn't hurt"... Yeah, no. You don't throw anything at anyone in anger, regardless of whether it'll hurt or not. You stop minimising that aspect.

barbarian her mum is having their DS not his

Barbarian mum, DS was staying at OP'S MUM'S, NOT THE DH'S MUM. Learn to read.

Sorry guys but this thread is making me really angry 😡

It is a horrible example of sneering,minimising,blaming and rampant misogyny.

Hope today is a better day OP. Good luck on monday.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Yes, your reaction was OTT and he probably felt attacked verbally because he did keep you informed.

Yes, it sounds like you could do more communicating as a partnership and you need more support. Glad you have a GP appointment.

But that doesn't excuse his reaction. Understandable yes, but not justified.

However I don't think this needs to be the end. Rather the beginning of more communication and breaks for both of you.

I’m not saying throwing the cake was ok - OP has he come back to you yet?

I did not use the word “ok” btw Tenforward - I don’t think this situation is ok I’m just saying that when someone chucks a cake at you it is different to chucking a lamp at you.

dont think the criticism was reasonable at all. His mum's having her grandson over night, the least he could do is have a cup of coffee and a chat with her to say thank you. She's not the childminder.

There seems to be ten pages of people from the "Zoolander School of Mumsnetters who can't read good or do other things good either".

He went to his mothers, after dropping his child off with the Op's mother.

To everyone else who thinks he was doing the Op a favour taking his kid out while she was at home frolicking, she was watching a 4 month old. He took his own child out, and then got rid of it, then went for coffee.

Then called his wife a bitch and threw something at her. Honestly, some of you are truly disgusting.

Throwing cake in your face won’t hurt? Really? I am shocked that people on here which seems to be mainly woman are suggesting the DH throwing the cake at her face was just an over reaction and they should kiss and make up. Maybe next time he loses it it will be the lamp....my advice OP is you set some boundaries with your OH. I would suggest given your exhaustaion you think about bottle feeding. I say this as this situation with multiple feeds and lack of sleep is affecting your mental health. I BF all my DC btw so not anti BF at all however this situation can’t be good for you, or your other DC having a mummy who is exhausted and is worrying about PND. It means your OH can have the baby and you can have a break and sleep!

Yes it’s hard looking after a baby who is sick.. but it’s part and parcel of motherhood. I think the OP massively overeacted to her husband having a brew with his mum. If I’d left my baby with my husband I would not be up for constant texts etc and giving me aggro as soon as I walked through the door. Having said that I wouldn’t throw cake at anyone either because Im not 5.
I’m not sure if I’d consider it abusive without knowing the context.. like if a female friend threw a cake at her oh I’m not sure I’d consider her abusive

Thanks everyone again for your comments and support! It's making me feel much better.

DD didn't sleep much last night but DM was on hand so that if she was just waking for comfort rather than food she could take her and I could go back to bed for a while. DD then slept between 5am and 8am! The longest stretch she has gone for weeks and weeks. So I managed to get at least some sleep.

DF is at the park with DS at the moment, then when they come back we're going to have a family breakfast. Then DM and I will be going out to buy a breast pump and we're going to spend today trying to get DD to drink from a bottle rather than being EBF.

Plan is to stop here for a few days, DM will do night feeds and I will actually manage to sleep through the night a couple of times. DH rang this morning and DF made it clear he's not to turn up without speaking to me first. I just need a break from everything at the moment.

Oh op, it sounds like you're in exactly the right place for you at the moment. I'm so glad your parents are supportive. I had a baby like your DD - we eventually co slept so I didn't really wake up for feeds but bloody hell it was hard.

For those people telling you how easy it is to look after a single baby, put the alarm on overnight to wake - put on nipple clamps for 20 minutes. Repeat every hour. Then try functioning normally the next day.

@Sugarformyhoney DD sleeps for 1-2 hours max normally. When shes awake she screams almost constantly. She's EBF so nobody else can do the feeds for me. This is just the norm, even when she's not poorly. This week she has been ill. Before last night I had probably slept a total of 5 or 6 hours in 5 days.

Yes, this is a part of motherhood - but it's a bloody hard part and I'm massively struggling. I also have a DS who is 3 to contend with - so even when DD is asleep during the day I still have to entertain him. He was poorly the week before so he was up and down all night too - again meaning no sleep. If you think this is so easy, then please come and take my space for the week. I will be glad of the rest.

@MissBartlettsconscience how long did you co sleep for? X

I really feel for you OP, as I remember how difficult DD2 was and it was an awful time. I thought I was losing my mind from lack of sleep! And crippling PND on top of that. But I feel sorry for your husband too. I wish in hindsight we’d been able to step back a little, realise this phase would pass and be kinder to each other. I don’t don’t think what your DH did was abusive. You’re both just at the end of your tethers.

Hope you get some help from the GP. Enjoy the time with your parents. I sincerely hope your DH apologises; the use of the word ‘bitch’ is so insulting. I would be very upset.

It WAS abusive. Regardless of the cause: being a dick, male PND, or at the end of his rope (poor wee lamb /sarcasm). The action is and behaviour was abusive.

I get that it’s hard.. (I’ve had ebf 3dc all two years apart and with varying needs). I’m not saying it’s easy but st the same time, I think you overreacted to your husband and he overreacted back. It’s not ok to be throwing cake and being a total dick but then it’s out to be blowing up his phone and getting furious because your baby is hard work.
Anyway it sounds like you have a lot of support and family both sides who can give you a break so take full advantage of that. Good luck with the GP

I had this baby and bought a full sized bedside cot to co sleep. She’s 2 now and I’m still doing many many nightfeeds but I had a very supportive DH, not the wank puffin you married.

Look into co sleeping, it saved my sanity.

I agree with BewareofDragons. You are not in the wrong OP, you sound like you are at the very end of your tether. I hope your parents are making sure you get the TLC you need, and some space. A big hug to you.

It does get better, took a year for ds, but that wasn't sleep problems. He is 23 today, so proof that this too will pass and there is life after them being small.

If my dh had ever thrown cake at me in anger, or called me a stupid birch, he wouldn't still be around. Don't stand for it.

I would be very angry if my dh behaved like yours but going to your parents and not sorting it out seems like a massive over reaction. If your dh had never ever behaved like this before and has just had one bad off day surely you can just talk this through and work it out without needing to leave.
You do not deserve to be treated badly or called names op but with a new baby in the depths of sleep deprivation and pnd we all say and behave in ways we wish we hadn't including men.
My dh is a wonderful man, very good husband and father, definitely not abusive. But our one year old has been unwell and not slept longer than a few hours for weeks. We've had a really busy time with job interviews and various other full on stressful things going on. Last week the baby was awful and neither of us had slept for more than 2 hours for over a week. We had a minor disagreement and I said something he didn't like. He called me a silly bitch. That is the first time in 16 years he has ever ever called me a name or been unkind like that. I know him well enough to know it was not abuse and just an awful night where we were both at breaking point. Obviously no one should ever feel scared or put up with abuse but it seems like this was just a bad argument that you both contributed to and your dh took way too far. That is not the same as an abusive partner. So now he is without his children and not allowed to contact you/them until you say so. He was definitely in the wrong behaving they way he did but I don't know one parent who can say they behaved perfectly when they had small children and were sleep deprived.
My and dh taked it though when he was horrible that night, I apologised for my over reaction and he was very sorry about his behaviour. We both taked about how I would not put up with being called names and moved forward with a plan of how to deal with things better. I would not have gone to my parents and cut contact. Unless there have been other issues in your marriage or you feel like he is abusive I can't get my head around you taking the dc and leaving him. I hope my post doesn't come across as unkind op. I really feel for you and I would have been really annoyed if my dh was so much later home leaving me with the baby too and I would not put up with dh behaving like that. But I think it sound like you both need some help and support. You both sound at breaking point and need to communicate about how you are both struggling.

We ended up cosleeping more or less full time until Ds was two. It dropped off when he weaned but even now (8) he'll come into us for a snuggle if he has a bad dream.

I think he's just one of those children. Get your parents to take care of you for a bit - you need it - good luck!