He threw chocolate cake at me?

[Willow789]

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

No you're not being unreasonable or anything else that's been levelled at you.

If DH had been in all day with a poorly baby, he'd have been climbing the walls. He's an absolute shit bag for how he over reacted...massively over reacted.

Glad DP's are looking after you!

I was fairly lucky with my babies that I only had the rare bad night with them past about 12 weeks and they were good feeders. But after having a head injury about 10 years ago, I lost my ability to sleep and after about 6 weeks of not sleeping OP I was bordering on being sectioned. I couldn't think, let alone function, and I think your DH seriously needs to realise what utter exhaustion can do to you.

Whatever the reason for you feeling like this, you need more help. Not things being thrown at you and being called names. We've all been there in the first few months when you're so tired everything pisses you off but turning on each other isn't going to help. I hope things get better for you soon

Bluntness & bluelady

Mookie81 at 18:59 "You're being ridiculous. He kept in touch with you. I'd have thrown the cake as well."

Babyg1995 at 19:06 "Yabu I would have done the same TBH".

I'd say that's saying OP deserved to have food thrown in her face and called a stupid bitch.

Enjoy your time at your parents. Hopefully he will realise how much of a dick he was.

We probably agree to differ then.

Get some rest and remember tomorrow is a new day.

Whilst your beating yourself up and feeling silly for over reacting I do hope your DH is taking this time to also reflect on his shocking abusive behaviour. Your reaction to him arriving late after being out for the day doesn't justify him being physically or verbally abusive. Just to remind some on here that someone throwing something at your face is 'physical' abuse and not a normal or a healthy response.

Some of the answers here are appalling.

OP YANBU.

Your DH has quite a nice life. Full night's sleep. What sounds like a lovely Saturday morning usually. I wonder why neither of you have questioned this before now and how the rest of your relationship is balanced. And then he has an afternoon off but that's not enough for him so he is late mainly because he decided he could (the traffic is a red-herring).

You were crying when he came in. Not surprising really if the baby's sick and you're getting even less sleep than usual. And that led to him throwing something at your face and calling you a bitch. Absolutely unacceptable. Most people would have been sympathetic rather than aggressive.

PND/sleep deprivation is a separate issue. Whatever you do, do not allow that to become the accepted "problem". Your DH's lack of support and aggression is the real problem.

Willow
I'm so glad that you are at your parents, good on DF for making you a hot choc. Let them fuss you and enjoy it, it's allowed!
I'm so sorry that you have had such an awful time.
I hope that you get some rest tonight, talk things through with your parents, they are on your side. Good call to see the GP.
Have as restful a night as you can

@Willow789 don't feel silly or stupid for over reacting. Having a baby that age is HARD! There's no harm in recognising you over reacted, but your dh needs to recognise his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

If it were me I'd say something along the lines of "I'm sorry I went at you when you walked in, I'm just exhausted and was looking forward to some help. But I know it wasn't fair. But the way you spoke to me and threw something was not ok, and we need to talk about it"
But that's based purely on my own relationship, only you will know what will work for yours

Sending love and sleepy vibes for baby!

I think some posters should cut down on their soap opera and Jeremy Kyle viewing if they consider the OP's husband's behaviour to be in any way acceptable or justifiable. I'm so sad for you OP, for how you are struggling with a new baby, for how your husband behaved and for the victim blaming on this thread

Gosh I am so sorry

I fled with a newborn in my arms multiple times
It started with him name calling then firing things in my direction

Sorry you went through this
That is not ok

I really hope it is an absolute one off but very very concerning behaviour

If he hasn’t done this before, and is usually a good reasonable man, then sounds like he’s at the end of his tether. You mentioned PND so things might be escalating without you even realising it. I think you might need to talk to someone.

Glad you're at your parents. Presuming you want to stay with him, you must make it very clear that his behaviour was unacceptable and won't be tolerated again. Hope the GP can help with the PND but you deserve support as well OP and your DH should show you patience considering all you do for the family.

Having said that, I think some fathers
do act out of character under the strain of having a new child - mainly financial worries as far as I can make out. Maybe he needs some support too, not from you though. You have nothing left to give 

Thanks so much everyone. DM and I are going to look into expressing tomorrow so that I can get some rest. DS is already here and DF is going to get up with him in the morning so I don't have to.

DM has rang DH told him I need some space and some rest and that I will call him when I feel a little better.

Will keep you all updated. Goodnight all 

OP electric double breast pump saved me - well worth the money, pumped bit at end of each feed and had enough for DH to do 10pm while I slept. Then in night I’d get DD up while still fast asleep and put her on me and she’d have a full feed dithout waking. The way they feed while asleep means they don’t need winding, so quick nappy change and bam sorted and me back to sleep in 15 mins during the night too, try it

Hi OP, glad you’re at your parents now. Best place for you I think.

So my baby used to be an up every 45mins-1hr. Im a single parent so literally felt like I could have died of sleep deprivation. I also EBF and here’s how I coped...

1. Co sleeping (please read up on how to do this safely)
2. Sleep whenever the baby does, if you get enough 20/30 minute stretches it does add up.

At about 10 months he started sleeping longer and now at 2 he sleeps from 7.30pm-6.30am in his own bed, sometimes waking up once for some water.

It will get better

Your parents sound wonderful. Take every bit of help offered.

Sleep well, Willow.

I rarely post, but this thread has left me open-mouthed. WTF is wrong with some posters?

OP YANBU. I had a non-sleeper who BF around the clock (literally every 1-2 hours) for months. The sleep deprivation was tortuous. Looking back, I really wish I had mixed fed or switched over to formula. You may not want to do this, but just in case it helps to hear it, you are allowed to express, to mixed feed or FF. Especially if those things will help you to get more sleep. That is the most important thing right now. Most of all you need some care and kindness as well as practical support and I'm glad you're getting it at your parents' house. If you do decide to express, I actually found hand expressing incredibly fast and easy once you get the knack - and I'd used a hand pump and electric pump too. Might be worth looking into it.

Your DH was inconsiderate, given the above situation, in not coming home on time. You did not overreact, he did - massively. I echo other posters: it is not acceptable behaviour in any form and I sincerely hope he apologises and that it is a one-off.

You have my heartfelt sympathy, knowing how awful extreme sleep deprivation is, coupled with such horrible behaviour from your partner. I would also echo others who have suggested asking for this to be moved into Relationships.

Hurray for your parents! They sound great.
Expressing is a good idea. Rest as much as you can and DS will have fun with grandparents.
I'm not impressed with DH, I think your Dad might have a few words there.
There will be breakfast cooked in the morning! Enjoy it!

I had PND twice OP. It really is horrific. First time it wasn't picked up until DS was 8 months old and I was quite bad. Your reactions won't be 'normal' because everything seems like a massive deal. Being on ,y own all day with a baby when I was sleep deprived and my DH was late would have tipped me over the edge too. But that does NOT give him the right to react in the abusive way he did. He was massively out of order and I'd struggle to see him in the same light as I'd wonder what else he could be capable of. I'd feel like I had to tread on eggshells around him which isn't good.

I'm glad your parents are looking after you.

I have a non sleeping 4mo and I think YANBU. But beware of dragons has already said it better:
*I'm appalled by some of the comments on here.

OP's DH feels he deserves coffee breaks, even when he's still there well past the time he promised to be home. Does OP get breaks? Not by the sound of it!

IT sounds like OP is past breaking point: no sleep, an exclusively breasfed, needy baby, little and a DH who feels he deserves breaks from it all. And OP also noted that normally she takes DS to football and brings the baby with her to do it ... meaning DH gets Saturday mornings to himself, too, probably after a good night's sleep while she deals with a non sleeping baby.

And now he's going to get a quiet house to himself for the night because he's driven OP out of it by throwing something at her and calling her names for being upset and depressed, knowing her history of PPD.

Fantastic.

I'm sorry, OP. You need more help and you deserve better.*

Throwing cake was a bit ridiculous but then I think it’s a bit strange that you’re struggling to manage one Dd on your own. I think yabu and so is he.

Sugar there is absolutely nothing strange about OP's struggles.

In an ideal world, being left with a 4-month-old for the day wouldn't be a big deal but when you are a mother suffering from actual sleep deprivation, aching nipples, being completely touched out as well as PND it becomes a serious problem.

Someone up thread said a non-sleeping baby impacts everyone - It does but being woken up by the cry of a baby doesn't compare to the stress of having to tend to that crying baby every 3 hours day in and day out.

If that was your experience and you coped - good for you - but don't you dare post on a thread like this and try to minimise another woman's struggle. Women die because of PND.

We should be encouraging each other as mothers to be open and ask for help if they are finding things difficult - not setting a smug standard on what qualifies as "difficult".

He threw a fucking cake at her and verbally abused her. This is not okay.

OP, your husband was being very unkind, calling you a stupid bitch and chucking cake at you. I hope he doesn't behave like this often.

I can understand how he was frustrated but that does not excuse him behaving like a petulant 3 year old who's been told he can't have any more sweets.