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Original poster

He threw chocolate cake at me?

518 replies

Willow789 · 20/10/2018 18:50

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

OP posts:
MyBrexitIsIll · 20/10/2018 21:28

blue I disagree.
It wasn’t an afternoon, it was a whole day.
A day when the OP needed support because she is exhausted with a very young baby. A day when she needed time for herself too, time she seems to never get.
Thinking that it will pass and in 10 years time you will get a day for yourself too doesn’t help when you are exhausted. When you need to support JUST NOW.

And I wouod guess that the DH is nowhere near as tired, sleep deprived and exhausted than the OP. After all, he still gets his Saturday am free every weekend. And his nights (as Obvioulsy he doesn’t need to get up to be). And his days when he is at work and doesn’t have to deal with a very cranky baby. When is the OP getting that??

Original poster
Willow789 · 20/10/2018 21:31

@peakydante thanks so much! I'm going to look into all of those things. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Runnynosehunny · 20/10/2018 21:32

OP when I read your first post I thought you overreacted to what your dh had done, even though that did not justify his aggressive behaviour.
I did think that I may be less than understanding if I was faced with a partner making a big fuss if I was an hour later than I agreed even if they were looking after the baby all day.
Its clear from what you say though that you are not coping with your severe lack of sleep and possible PND and your dh seems to be aware of this. You say he mentioned you may have PND and he must know how little you are sleeping and that your mum and mil are concerned enough to be helping most days. So that makes me change my mind that he would be justified in being a bit annoyed by you over reacting about the delay.

TenForward82 · 20/10/2018 21:35

@Willow I had PND so I understand exactly how you feel. An hour was like 5 days. Hope you've gone to your mums and your DH can see what a fucking twat he's being.

Olderbyaminute · 20/10/2018 21:36

There’s some seriously disturbing posts on here-if you find it acceptable to throw anything at your wife or husband’s face,cuss them out and walk out (probably while partner is holding your infant) then you need a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge. I’m convinced some of you are just contrary trolls but nonetheless this OP needs help emotionally and relationship -wise. I would seriously be reconsidering the entire relationship. The sad part is her asshole partner is out walking the dog as if every thing is normal. I’m glad you’re seeing your doctor OP and I hope you can sit and do some serious thinking about your marriage.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2018 21:41

A non sleeping baby in the house impacts everyone, not just the op. I really don't understand why people think otherwise. Everyone's sleep is disrupted.

Yes he behaved badly. Yes so did the op, yes she may be mentally unwell, as may he, he may be stressed or whatever, either way, advising her he will beat the crap out of her at some point or she should leave him is shit, they are clearlyboth at the end of their tethers and neither behaved well.

Inertia · 20/10/2018 21:42

Bloody hell, I'm astonished and appalled by the number of posters above saying that YABU , and that you deserved to have food thrown in your face and called a stupid bitch.

His behaviour was aggressive and unacceptable. His language was misogynistic and acceptable.

He couldn't help the traffic. However, he did leave much later than planned, knowing that the traffic would be bad.

And -given that his wife is suffering from PND, is struggling with a poorly baby and is getting very little sleep- he's in no position to start an argument when he's had a lovely day to himself, probably being pandered to by his own mum. And now you've been driven out of the house and he gets a night to himself.

What does he normally do on Saturday mornings when you take both children? Why aren't you managing a child each?

A generous view would be that he's exhausted too, and acted completely out of character due to exhaustion. But even that would not be any kind of excuse or justification for what he did.

Gogogadetmumoftwo · 20/10/2018 21:45

I might be way off base here but I are you depressed or are you just fecking tired and pissed off at the lack of support? Because it is different and the solutions might be different (although overlapping). PND is of course a very real debilitating thing but often I see women being put in that box when actually they are reacting entirely normally to an shit situation.

Sorry if this offends anyone. Not my intention and I have had depression myself so not trying to be offensive.

Original poster
Willow789 · 20/10/2018 21:48

@Inertia on a Saturday morning he will generally walk the dog, make breakfast for us when we get back etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow789 · 20/10/2018 21:49

@Gogogadetmumoftwo God knows. I don't think I can even tell the difference anymore. GP appt Monday to see what can be done

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/10/2018 21:50

Bloody hell, I'm astonished and appalled by the number of posters above saying that YABU , and that you deserved to have food thrown in your face and called a stupid bitch

Not one person said that. Not one.

Original poster
Willow789 · 20/10/2018 21:51

Thanks everyone for your supportive comment. I'm at my parents now. DF has made me a hot chocolate we're watching casualty. Feel like I'm 13 again! Feeling much more relaxed now I'm here.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 20/10/2018 21:51

Totally agree, Bluntness.

LuluJakey1 · 20/10/2018 21:52

You are not being unreasonable OP. It is not knd of him to treat you as he did, or respectful, or caring. He might have been pissed off but he could have said that and put the cake down- no need for horrible name-calling and throwing cake in your face. You sound like you need a couple of nights of good sound sleep and a bit of time to yourself. Could you express some milk so your mum could feed DD a bottle, or mix feed with some formula occasionally so your mum/MIL could help?

DH owes you a big apology at the very least. You are doing right going to the GP to check about PND.

Look after you for a bit Flowers

Weathermonger · 20/10/2018 21:52

Hm, traffic must have been really bad if he first mentioned it at 4:30 and then again at 5:30 and still didn't get home until 6:15. Seems to me he wasn't in much of a hurry to get home. All day by yourself with a 4 month old can be exhausting, he was totally out of line to act as he did. You deserve an apology.

Bluelady · 20/10/2018 21:52

With both your last two posts.

Olderbyaminute · 20/10/2018 21:53

No nobody said she deserved it but there’s a hell of a lot of minimizing and rationalizing his awful behavior

Original poster
Willow789 · 20/10/2018 21:54

@LuluJakey1 I'm going to try expressing I think. Anything is worth a try at this point! I can't carry on the constant feeds

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 20/10/2018 21:55

You were a bit hard on him, and it would have been excusable had he argued back and stormed off, hpbut he should not have thrown perfectly good chocolate cake in your face.

Sorry I jest a little. He absolutely should not throw anything at you - you also did not get your cake.

He owes you a heartfelt apology for being a tit. If his apology is gravely enough you might want to concede you overreacted. But he upped he ante

Original poster
Willow789 · 20/10/2018 21:57

@Dollymixture22 I completely agree I overreacted - definitely the tiredness talking. I feel stupid for reacting how I did now.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 20/10/2018 22:00

Willow You might have over-reacted but don't make that an excuse for how he treated you. He was wrong.

Dollymixture22 · 20/10/2018 22:00

Please don’t feel stupid at all. Sleep deprivation is dreadful. You need a few good nights sleep, some pampering and lots understandings. And cake, you need that cake

Dollymixture22 · 20/10/2018 22:02

He is also significantly more in the wrong than you,

Weathermonger · 20/10/2018 22:02

Please don't feel stupid - you're definitely not ! Your reaction was entirely understandable. He had the afternoon to himself, deliberately left later than promised - knowing traffic was bad, and acted like a total asshole when he got home. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

mathanxiety · 20/10/2018 22:06

I don't think you overreacted a t all.

I am glad I rtft before typing my response because I wanted to say what BewareofDragons said.

Your H is a selfish knob.

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