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Original poster

He threw chocolate cake at me?

518 replies

Willow789 · 20/10/2018 18:50

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

OP posts:
KataraJean · 21/10/2018 14:01

Glad you are getting some support at your parents. I co-slept the first couple of years, it was the only way to manage.
Agree that you should ask MN to move this thread to Relationships, you need support not ill-judged comments and having to defend yourself when you have done nothing wrong.
Or maybe start a new thread over there and the people who want to offer support will find youFlowers

Karrwomannghia · 21/10/2018 14:06

You didn’t deserve that reaction, OP. don’t blame yourself.
Posting in relationships might help but just to warn you, I got some very unsupportive, upsetting and hurtful comments when I posted in there recently.

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 14:15

Hi all,

Have been home to collect some stuff to stop at my parents tonight and tomorrow. Also picked up a breast pump from mothercare to see how we get along with that.

Spoke to DH, apologised for overreacting for him getting home late. Explained how overtired I was, how depressed I've been feeling, how I'm at my wits end with DD not sleeping and that I'm not sure how long I can carry on with little to no help from him. He's said he's tired too and that when she wakes me up he also wakes up. Also talking about how he works everyday and I don't. He didn't apologise for throwing the cake nor the name calling.

I can't believe it, he's usually so kind and caring. The man I married wouldn't behave like this at all.

OP posts:
RestingBitchFaced · 21/10/2018 14:17

Can't believe he didn't even apologise! Shocking behaviour. I'm sure he's had a few good nights sleep since you have been at your mums

Batteriesallgone · 21/10/2018 14:17

I’m sorry OP.

RebelWitchFace · 21/10/2018 14:18

Sorry OP. 

SayNoToCarrots · 21/10/2018 14:19

You are not in the wrong! I know plenty of people have already said that, but quite a few bellends seem to disagree, so I wanted to add my voice to your supporters.

VenusInSpurs · 21/10/2018 14:26

OK, I get that his sleep is as disturbed as yours, I really do. DH and I slept in separate bedrooms for years due to taking it in turns to be on night duty once ebf was over, so that we both got SOME sleep.
HOWEVER(
“Also talking about how he works everyday and I don't.” indicates that he has NO IDEA what it is like being at home with a needy baby and a toddler, and not apologising it what he did is terrible.

Maybe he thinks that you do get a bit of a break while your 3 yo is at nursery and your MIL / Mum help out, but he is not factoring in PND.

kaitlinktm · 21/10/2018 14:26

He's said he's tired too and that when she wakes me up he also wakes up.

But he doesn't get up and actually have to DO anything does he - can just go back to sleep again.

Also talking about how he works everyday and I don't.

So he doesn't consider looking after a demanding baby with no sleep as well as a toddler counts as working. Perhaps he should look at nursery fees - they charge good money for doing just that because that is their WORK.

He didn't apologise for throwing the cake nor the name calling.

So you're telling me that he thinks abusing his wife and throwing food at her face is justified behaviour and doesn't require an apology?

Why are you with him?

DoinItForTheKids · 21/10/2018 14:28

Sounds like everyone's stepping up or stepping in - apart from OPs husband who apparently has all the only out required 'he goes to work' and thus his needs are greater.

Hazardswan · 21/10/2018 14:28

I'm so sorry Willow. Don't know how long you two have been together but it can take a while for someone's true colours to show and it often is around pregnancy/birth. You don't deserve to be treated like this. There is no justifying his behaviour.

DoinItForTheKids · 21/10/2018 14:31

It's all about what work returns a salary isn't it - that's the only value and any guy who does various fatherly duties is a good egg because he's 'helping out' - the white knight. Not being a father, hunkering down and joining the missus in the trenches, but a noble kindheart who steps in and drops a few (always minimal, never ongoing and relentless like waking every 1-2 hours to feed a baby that screams inbetween) as and when it suits HIM.

Yeah, I was married to one like that - I divorced him eventually and wished I'd done it sooner.

TenForward82 · 21/10/2018 14:31

OP, forgive me for suggesting this, but do you definitely know he was meeting his mum?

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 14:36

@TenForward82 I did wonder that but his DM had rang me earlier in the day asking if i wanted to join them so unless she's involved the cover up (which I highly doubt - she's very lovely and has called me to tell me how disappointed in DH she is) then I don't think he was meeting somebody else.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 21/10/2018 14:37

Oh good, at least she's telling him he's wrong and he's not cheating. Just being a jerk then. Sorry lovely x

Happygummibear · 21/10/2018 14:50

I think what people also forget is that the main care giver (usually the woman) not only does the jobs...but also they have to think about what needs doing, when, how, who. Paying bills, buying presents, fitting in seeing family, shopping, cooking, cleaning, writing a list, making sure you have everything for both children before walking out the door.

So dh took ds to her mother's, but who thought about it, organised it etc.

When it comes to raising a child not only do you have to organise yourself but the child/ren as well and probably the dh.

BewareOfDragons · 21/10/2018 15:22

What a dick.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2018 15:56

Oh dear. He's really showing his true colours now.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/10/2018 16:00

If he's usually lovely OP I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet although I'm a bit surprised he didn't apologise for yesterday.

RedLife · 21/10/2018 16:02

Some excellent points in the last few posts. Op I'd write down some bullet points and show it to him. It's there is black and white. Yes he does work but as said upthread so do you. Also while suffering with no sleep and possible pnd. I bet if he had no sleep and pnd he'd be off sick. 🤔

kierenthecommunity · 21/10/2018 16:04

Also talking about how he works everyday and I don't

Wow, what a prince amongst men Shock

ReadMyLipss · 21/10/2018 16:19

What he did was pretty horrible, but you're hardly an innocent party in all of this either.

I'm not saying you deserved what he did to you, but you were hardly very nice or fair to him either. He can't control the traffic and you having a go at him for getting stuck in it was pretty unfair of you.

ReadMyLipss · 21/10/2018 16:22

Sorry, only just noticed your update. Considering you apologised and explained your side, then he should have apologised too.

findingmywaytoday · 21/10/2018 16:24

I'm pretty disgusted that even after you having reflected and apologised that the best he has done is be defensive and say he is tired too. Regardless of what you said or did his behaviour was unacceptable. The fact that even having had the time to reflect he hasn't apologised is appalling.

Willow2017 · 21/10/2018 16:42

Ffs the level of non comprehension on this thread is appaling.

Dh left his exhausted wife to take his ds to footie something he never does usually as he does sfa on a Saturday. Op takes ds and the baby to footie.

He promises to.be back at a certain time. He doesnt even bother leaving for an hour after he said he would be home and due to traffic is even later home.

Op.hasnt slept properly in months has had 2 ill kids in 2 weeks. Baby sleeps about an hour at a time only , day and night.
Dh doesnt have to get up every hour during night to.do feeds.

Dh is at work all day and thinks wrangling a toddler and a clingy non sleeping baby is a dawdle.

Op has the start of pnd which dh is aware of yet he does nothing to.help her.

But she was unreasonable, he was justified in throwing something at her and calling her names.

Bless him he 'deserves' hours of sitting on his arse having coffee and cake just becsuse he took his own bloody son to footie for once??

When exactly does op get to feck of for cake and a blether? When does he take over and let her go.back.to bed to catch up on sleep?

5 hours sleep in a week? But she is in the wrong?
You have pnd and havent slept properly in 4 months just get a grip?

Worlds gone fucking mad.