He threw chocolate cake at me?

[Willow789]

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

GreenLantern Do you really think you're being helpful? Or are you berating a sleep-deprived mother who's suffered from PND in the past? Not all kids nap easily during the day; mine napped for 20 mins max. If I tried to nap with her, I would be just falling asleep when DD woke up and started to cry. It was worse than staying awake.

The truth is that if her DH left her, or she didn't have parents to help, she'd probably end up with PND again. Is that how you'd like this thread to end?

OP

I'm glad you have supportive parents. It sounds as if all you need at the moment is a bit of kindness. Glad you're looking into express BFing (incidentally, that confused me on this thread - I thought EBF was Express Breast Feeding??).

a Saturday morning he will generally walk the dog, make breakfast for us when we get back etc

I suggest you turn that around from now on. He can take DS to football with DD (and an expressed bottle). You can walk the dog and make breakfast.

So glad to know you have such a supportive family and you're somewhere safe and calm 

he was trying to help you out by doing family stuff

Help her out?

I don't think throwing a cake equates to hitting someone. It's more like throwing a drink over someone

Throwing food/drinks over someone is still assault albeit less likely to cause injury. The only place this deemed acceptable is on Eastenders or Corrie, irl no one would put up with that

Jesus OP, yanbu.
Two , one for the abusive episode you had to deal with last night and then for coming here for support and having to read the absolute sneery shit some people feel the need to post.

Oh willow, you darling.

I hope you're ok this morning and not too upset by greenlantern's stupid remarks? Clearly she's in the minority and has an iceberg sized chip on her shoulder.

I'm so glad you're for the GP tomorrow and I hope they listen to you and offer the right kind of help. You sound like you have a great crew behind you in the shape of your mum and dad.

Do they know about dh throwing the cake in your face? Or do they think you're just there for a break?

I hope it all works out. I know we all do things in the heat of the moment but I feel DH should have been more understanding given that you've had so little sleep and a sick baby.

Thinking of you and hoping you can work this out

Lovely to see you've got so much support from your parents OP. They sound amazing and just what what you need right now.

Take your time and catch your breath and when you're ready deal with your husband, who was really in the wrong for what he did. Pretty shocked tbh at the comments initially but glad to see they soon became supportive in the main.

Lottie, you may well be right actually. Anyone who comes out with ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ has not been main carer for a poor sleeper plus older children. No way!

Oh, OP, huge sympathies over the whole situation.

Sending best wishes for moving forwards with the expressing. I had a ebf bottle refuser, and got some great advice here. Which was don’t try and introduce a bottle when your baby is hungry because if they haven’t learned that a teat will meet their need they will panic and get cross. They need to discover when relaxed that a test can deliver milk. So towards the end of a feed.

The constant crying / feeding isn’t normal. No wonder you , and by extension your DH, are struggling and under pressure.

Does your baby have a dummy? I was a dummy-sceptic but gave it a try with my baby that needed the comfort of something to suck on.

Talk to your GP about reflux as well as PND?

Ask for more support from your HV?

I hope you and your DH can move forwards and he understands how on tne edge you are, and is upset with himself over his behaviour. It will be good to keep your MIL inside with help, too.

I hope everyone can decompress and get the help you need.

Take care of yourself.

The ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ thing only really helps if it’s sleeping for eight hours stretches. The odd cat nap with one ear on the baby does not restore your strength like a proper sleep.

OP what happened last week when your 3yo was sick and was getting up during the night? Did your DH get up?

@GoldfishCrackers no only i get up in the night on weekdays, he will get up with DS on weekends but DS sleeps through unless poorly

Do you know what I've changed my view. If your dh isn't getting up in the night when the dc are poorly then he isn't at breaking point and I don't see how he can be so exhausted he snaps like that. If you are doing everything yourself no wonder you needed to go to your parents. I misunderstood and thought dh was sharing the load and was worn out too and this was a one off as a result of him at the end of his teather. No wonder you 'over reacted' op if you are dealing with it all while he gets a full night sleep 5 nights a week maybe he needs to have a bloody good look at why you are struggling. I would have reacted in the same way if I my dh only did the day time parenting. Pnd is bound to come back if he is so rubbish he can't manage to share the parenting with you. I hope you are ok op and he realises how bad this is and becomes a better partner and parent

DH works long hours so can't get up in the night like my DM can to help me out.

He can though. You're also doing long hours on no sleep. He can absolutely get up at least a few times a week. Parenting is full time and not just for mums.

Op, you are doing brilliantly.
Having a baby and a 3year old is hard work without ebf and illness.
If you need timeout, take it. Don't talk to him unless you want too.
Don't pay any attention to those on here who say 'i managed" etc, they're not you and you can't help the way you feel.
Expressing and breast feeding is hard work, don't be hard on yourself if it's too much. If a few bottles of formula means you all get some sleep then it's worth it. X

I hope you’re ok OP.

A term I heard on mumsnet is ‘situational depression’ ie so-called PND that is actually a perfectly human reaction to lack of sleep and a useless husband. Change the situation and viola, no longer depressed.

I co slept with my difficult babies but it was still so so hard. My DH went though a patch with our first of being a twat because he didn’t know how to cope with me being so tired and needy. It is, at heart, a selfish/lazy response - instead of grafting to make your situation better it’s emotionally rejecting you to protect him from having to work harder.

If his reaction to you staying at your parents is that you should stay there until you start being reasonable again, I would struggle to forgive that. He is essentially saying when things are really, really tough - he will leave you to it. What is the point in marriage if you aren’t each other’s rock? What kind of parent is only there for the easy bits? What would have happened if your parents lived abroad and weren’t an option for an emergency break? Those are the questions I would be asking myself.

A good bit of advice I read in an NHS PND booklet is - if it is usually a supporting and loving relationship, try not to make lasting decisions about your relationship in the first year of your baby’s life. I think that’s right, and I’m not saying LTB. What I am saying is, there are questions being raised here that need discussing at some point because resentment and betrayal can eat away at a marriage.

Willow789 - please get this moved to Relationships. It should eliminate most of the idiots.

Yes I'm sure her H is exhausted. He's up every hour feeding a difficult baby. His body is producing milk to feed that baby. His hormones are still all over the place. He's been caring for poorly children. He's also caring for their toddler and doing all the domestic duties that have to be done.
Oh, wait...

God some of you are just vile human beings.

I'm glad you're going to try formula, you've done your best for four months but you have got to get your mental health back. And it will mean that some of the pressure can be taken off you and you can get some rest. Assuming that arse of a husband will help in the night now...

He sounds like a tool. I hope he's realised how much of a tool he is been. How dare he not help his poorly 3 year old! Does he have a job like a surgeon or pilot if he can't do without 9 hours sleep? 

YABU, it sounds like he was late because he had to get your cake. You then moan at him for being late - because he did something for you tht made him late. I think I would be ticked off at you too. Throwing the cake at you is too much, I would chucked it in the bin and said you don't deserve it and walked off........

Wind your neck in Wombat and rtft. Events have moved on.
to you op, I had a terrible sleeper and it nearly broke me.

wombat1a read the thread.
Her husband is clearly being a dick. I don't care what she said, nothing justifies his nasty immature reaction.
Maybe his DM can have a word with him? I'd be mortified if one of my DS's did anything similar.

Oh come on wombat he was totally indefensible. Calling his breastfeeding wife a stupid bitch? Throwing things in her face? If this is how you behave to your loved ones over relatively minor quarrels you deserve to be on your own. Dread to think what you’d do in a serious row.

Also he wasn’t late because he went to get the cake, it was from the place he was in anyway.

Kool his mum comes round and helps OP.

I wonder if the ‘coffee’ was her having a little chat with him about doing more and maybe that’s the real reason why he came back angry and defensive.

Total speculation I know.

@batteries good point...