Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

He threw chocolate cake at me?

518 replies

Willow789 · 20/10/2018 18:50

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

OP posts:
DaphneCanDoBetterThanFred · 21/10/2018 10:51

Op please please ignore the people saying you overreacted, that him getting to the cafe late meant it was fine to lie to you, what’s so hard about looking after your own baby etc. I can only sssume they’ve never had a baby that doesn’t sleep plus a toddler to entertain so you can’t rest in the day.

I had the same - 2 or 3 hours broken sleep a night, dh busy working long hours and too exhausted to help when he was home. I had no family support as I lived in a different country. It destroyed me. Sleep deprivation is literally torture and your dh needs to massively step up,

I’m so glad you’re with your parents, they sound so lovely and I hope you can get a lot of rest Flowers And good luck at the gp.

I do also hope that any posters downplaying this or just not getting it stay off the thread. If you haven’t been in the same situation and don’t understand the soul crushing exhaustion, or can’t at least empathise with the op’s situation then don’t come in and make a shitty comment. If he can’t understand the effects of sleep deprivation even when it’s happening right in front of him and thinks it’s acceptable to throw something in her face then he’s a fucking idiot and anyone supporting him is too.

GreenLantern53 · 21/10/2018 10:52

im sorry but it does sound like you have a hell of a lot of support! sounds like you are highly struggling, maybe seek some help? i think your blowing this up massively, fwiw i am a single mum to 4 ive had NO help, sounds like your really not
coping.

DaphneCanDoBetterThanFred · 21/10/2018 10:53

mouseville great for you! Were you also sleep deprived and possibly suffering from pnd? Because I think the context makes a huge difference doesn’t it.

RedLife · 21/10/2018 10:53

What did you spect?

What?

Pippiphooray · 21/10/2018 10:57

I hope you have a lovely Sunday with your parents. I remember being in the same situation sleep wise with my second, 1st DD was also 3. Breast feeding every 2 hours day and night, it’s totally exhausting. I had PND with both, although I think sleep deprivation had a big part to play. Remember feeling furious with DH for having useless nipples! 🙈 DH also worked long shifts, my parents were my lifeline-they now have a wonderful relationship with my kids. Mums can be so isolated now, we mistakenly think we have to do it all. Embrace the extended family to help. It will get better.

golondrina · 21/10/2018 10:58

It doesn't matter if she overreacted FFS, his reaction to her being upset was to THROW FOOD IN HER FACE and call her a BITCH. Anyone who thinks that is ok is just fucking stupid. And I feel really sorry for anyone who thinks that's ok.

DaphneCanDoBetterThanFred · 21/10/2018 11:00

How is the support relevant if she’s only sleeping a couple of hours a night? It’s lovely that her family are helping now, but she’s the one dealing with the exhaustion every single night in her own. Lack of sleep can alter your brain chemistry and seriously fuck you up.

It’s great for you that you coped but every persons situation is different . How dare you come on here and slate another woman and tell her she’s blowning it up massively? What’s wrong with you that you can be that insensitive? How do you think you’re helping? And if you’re not intending to help, don’t be on the thread.

Hazardswan · 21/10/2018 11:00

So glad your with your parents and they are looking out for you. Doesn't matter how old we get we all need our mum and dad sometimes.

GreenLantern53 · 21/10/2018 11:02

so sleep in the day when baby sleeps and put the 3 year old in nursery. there are ways around it.

MyBrexitIsIll · 21/10/2018 11:04

I just need to have a day where I actually have help and I'm not doing everything alone.

Please remember that.
The reason y U are struggling to cope is THAT.
It doesn’t matter he works long hours. So are you loooking after a 4 months old baby and an older child! Do you think he would cope doing that in 5 hours of sleep in 5 days??? And do the HW and the cooking? I very much doubt it.
At the very least, he shouod be there taking BOTH dc out for football, nit him having an am in his own very Saturday am.
He shouod be there to help you, taking the baby away so you can have a bit of sleep instead of going to see his parents and have a coffee on his own (And then come back late and throw stuff at you)
He shouod be there batch cooking sonthat you dont have to cook in the evening.
He shouod be there pushing the hoover around so you dint have to to do it during the week.

There are plenty of posters saying that you over reacted and that it will pass. It’s just for a short time etc...
Well this applies for your DH too. Asking him to pull his fingers out and get off his backside will only be for a short time. This will pass. In a short time (maybe 10 years or more??) he will have his weekends back and will be able to out for the whole day to have a well deserved break.
In the mean time, he shouod be in the arena of parenting. He shouod be supporting his dcs and his wife. He shouod be out there been a FATHER and a DAD to his own children.
Not getting aggressive because his exhausted wife burst out into tears because he took all the time in the world to come back home to finally (hopefully?) do a bit of parenting.

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 11:05

@GreenLantern53 good for you, so happy for you that you have managed to raise 4 children alone and never had a moment of weakness.

Yes, I do have support. No, I'm not coping. Hence why I'm going to my GP tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 11:07

@GreenLantern53 he is in nursery 2 days a week. DD barely sleeps, 2 hours at a time max. I still have other things to do around the house, and I struggle to fall asleep knowing she is going to wake up very soon anyway.

Can you just stop being so judgmental?

OP posts:
DaphneCanDoBetterThanFred · 21/10/2018 11:07

greenlantern my baby didn’t sleep in the day either so that wouldn’t have worked. There’s also the cost of nursery. I’m sure op will look into that if she wants to, but if the baby’s not sleeping at night, a few hours snatched in the day isn’t going to solve the problem, as the baby isn’t helpfully going to sleep for the 6 or so hours that the 3 year old is in nursery.

DaphneCanDoBetterThanFred · 21/10/2018 11:09

X post with you op. Ignore green lantern, we all get it and they’re the weirdo that doesn’t Smile

MyBrexitIsIll · 21/10/2018 11:10

so sleep in the day when baby sleeps and put the 3 year old in nursery. there are ways around it.
Oh fuck that.
Sorry but
1- I’ve never been able to sleep during the day because I’ve always been high alert and thinking that justbas I’m starting to drift off, the baby will wake up
2- If said baby doesn’t sleep at night more than 1-2 hours, what makes you think it will sleep more during the day?
3- seen the reaction of the husband, do you think he will accept a messy house, no food etc... when he comes back because the OP has slept when the baby was finally sleeping a bit?
4- do you have nay ideas of sleep patterns? Because getting 2 2 hours block at night if that and then a one 1.5 hour in the day is NOT the same than having a full night sleep.
5- how are you assuming that the OP has the money to put the 3yo in nursery full time (I’m assuming they are already having the normal free hours)

We are not talking about the ‘normal’ sleep deprivation thatbyou Get with a newborn there. This is much much more expensive remember and isn’t solved by a ‘just sleep when the baby sleeps’ that is only helping SOME people rather than been a magic solution to all ill of looking after a newborn.

GreenLantern53 · 21/10/2018 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MyBrexitIsIll · 21/10/2018 11:11

Xpost willow

Greenlantern is just very judgemental and with little compassion. I feel sorry for her. It must be hard to be oh ever so perfect all the time.

LurkingWaspi · 21/10/2018 11:12

Hello Willow
Looking in. I'm really glad that you had a better night, and that your parents are looking after you and the children.

Great advice here from others who know what it is like. It's really tough. It's all a balance, don't make yourself so unwell trying to do everything the absolutely best way.
It's what works best for YOU and YOUR family.

A few goady fuckers too, a little side agenda going on from them I guess, so no surprise there. Don't even bother engaging, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

Good plan to rest up a few days, enjoy being fussed you all need it, and then sort things out re DH.
All good wishes, Flowers

MyBrexitIsIll · 21/10/2018 11:12

Xpost green

Yep you’ve just confirmed what I said.
Judgemental and no compassion at all.
Shame on you.

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 11:13

@GreenLantern53 oh just fuck off back to your perfect life with your perfect kids

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 21/10/2018 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RebelWitchFace · 21/10/2018 11:15

@GreenLantern53 what do you want a medal? A cookie? You managed.good for you!

OP is struggling though and how you coped has no bearing on it. And tbh sometimes it's worse when you're struggling to have someone that just adds to the pressure and the work,and they could help just chose not to.

Secretsquirrel252 · 21/10/2018 11:16

Telling someone suffering from PND to ‘get a grip’? How do you think that would make them feel? Why do you want to do that?

RebelWitchFace · 21/10/2018 11:16

A man is better than no man,is seriously low standards btw.

Eatmycheese · 21/10/2018 11:17

You were a bit OTT but think if you’re exhausted and frazzled to some degree that explains it.
He was entitled to be pissed off at your strop, but it ends there. He should have put the cake down and simply removed himself if he was getting annoyed. Hurling it at your face and calling you a stupid bitch is awful. If he’d done that to me I would have hit the roof.

Swipe left for the next trending thread