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Original poster

He threw chocolate cake at me?

518 replies

Willow789 · 20/10/2018 18:50

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

OP posts:
FrankUnderwoodsWife · 21/10/2018 10:01

OP i was ready to tell you you were being unreasonable following the opening post.

Reading your subsequent updates, I am mortified I was willing to heap misery upon you, while you are so obviously down and struggling.

Your parents sound amazing, and incredibly supportive of your situation, which means they recognise you are not yourself. Allow yourself to be cosseted and spoilt by your family, and let them be the gatekeeper between you and your DH.

This will allow you the space to recover and decide how you really feel about your DHs behaviour towards while you were under intense and unrelenting pressure due to lack of sleep.

PixieBob28 · 21/10/2018 10:03

He shouldn't have thrown the cake but you were being unreasonable. I have a 3 month year old, I'm an emotional wreck at times too. But coming home an hour late, due to traffic after having coffee with his mum?! Hardly taking the biscuit is it now. Go grab a nap, I'm sure you guys will be fine.

Want4dayhelp · 21/10/2018 10:08

. I wish in hindsight we’d been able to step back a little, realise this phase would pass and be kinder to each other.
This post from RoboticMary sums up what I was trying to say much better than I said it.

I have 2 teenagers so I've been through the ups and downs of young dc and sleep deprivation and come out the other side (and then crazily decided to do it again). But being in the middle of it makes you lose sense of your relationship and how hard it is on both of you. It's so difficult to be kind and reasonable when you've had such little sleep and have a demanding baby (not saying your baby is demanding but all babys who don't sleep feel pretty demanding to me). Me and dh make a conscious effort to be kinder to each other and try and see how we are only acting the way we are because we are worn out. It does get better op and you look back and wonder how you were so cross and resentful of each other.

Blackness78 · 21/10/2018 10:10

Everyone has a limit. It looks like you have both reached yours.

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 10:10

@Want4dayhelp I am going to sort it out with him, I just need to have a day where I actually have help and I'm not doing everything alone. I just want to sort out the breast pump, have some breakfast and then I will call him. But I will be stopping at my parents house for a few nights because it's helping me regain my sanity. DH works long hours so can't get up in the night like my DM can to help me out.

OP posts:
derxa · 21/10/2018 10:13

DH rang this morning and DF made it clear he's not to turn up without speaking to me first. This is actually quite sinister

TenForward82 · 21/10/2018 10:13

If my DH was emotionally and physically abusive to me when I was at my lowest, I wouldn't want to see him again for a while either. I certainly couldn't reason and talk it out clearly while exhausted and sleep-deprived.

TenForward82 · 21/10/2018 10:14

Get in the bin, @derxa

TenForward82 · 21/10/2018 10:15

Also, I feel I need to point out that having a young baby and being exhausted is NOT the same as having a young baby and being exhausted and having PND.

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 10:18

@derxa he just doesn't want DH turning up and upsetting me? Hardly sinister is it

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 10:19

Thanks @TenForward82 

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 21/10/2018 10:20

I'm glad you are getting the support you need at your parents'.

I would gently suggest that if your 4 month old will take a bottle, and the pumping isn't 'enough', then consider topping up with formula. Especially if you know you're going home in a few days and you will be the one still doing all the hours and very little sleep. You've got 2 little ones to consider and your own sanity, and you've done brilliantly to get this far ... but it might just allow the 4 month old to fill up and sleep more, and all of you need that. All babies are different; this one might just need something different than what your toddler needed.

I know some will be outraged by the suggestion, but that is all it is ... a suggestion to consider. Because to me the end result is the most important thing: fed and happy and rested baby, sane and rested mummy.

I do wish you well and I hope you get some much needed rest while you're at your parents before trying to address what has happened with your husband. You need to be fully functioning before you can have that conversation, as he needs to be be made very aware that his behaviour was completely unacceptable and he's not pulling his weight when he's home.

TenForward82 · 21/10/2018 10:22

No problem, lovely. I've been there. My DH was angry at me for not coping, but has never admitted it. It came out in other ways and I ended up having a major breakdown. Flowers

TenForward82 · 21/10/2018 10:24

Agree with @dragons that happier healthy mum is more important than breastfed baby. I unfortunately had to stop bfing by 6 weeks and my DD is very healthy and hardly ever been poorly. My sanity is more important!

Ignoramusgiganticus · 21/10/2018 10:25

I hope dh is contrite at how he reacted to your over reaction. There is no excuse for calling your partner a bitch and throwing something in her face, however if he's never done it before, then a good chat and a realisation he over stepped the mark, will hopefully mean that it will never happen again.

Your problem will be if it does happen again...

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 10:27

@BewareOfDragons if I struggle with expressing I'm definitely going to try with formula, I can't carry on with the EBF it's just too much.

Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Jagblue · 21/10/2018 10:27

What did you spect?

Lougle · 21/10/2018 10:31

@Willow789 I can understand that you've been hurt by this but I think it may have all spiralled out of proportion, tbh. From what I can gather, your DH was running late because traffic was bad, so he didn't arrive at the coffee shop until later than he intended. Then he had coffee with his Mum, then had to get back through traffic to come to you.

If traffic was bad on the way there and bad on the way out, that could easily account for the hour. You're both tired, and you both overreacted. He has a lot of apologising to do. But I can't see that it's going to be helped by your DF telling him to stay away from you.

TenForward82 · 21/10/2018 10:33

@lougie

lottiegarbanzo · 21/10/2018 10:38

It just reads to me that OP and her DH are living quite separate lives at the moment - in terms of the life they are expeirencing.

He sleeps every night, is well, feels pretty good in general and does some parenting of the older child (assisted by parents and PIL). To him, someone being an hour later home than planned, after a relaxing coffee and chat, is no big deal.

She is EBF-ing a non-sleeping baby, hasn't slept for more than a couple of hours at a time for weeks, is also parenting the older child some (more - work hours?) of the time and is slipping into PND. To her, needing sleep desperately and at the end of her emotional tether, waiting an extra hour is a lot of time, as is his lack of awareness and concern for her condition.

He (and many posters) seem to be judging her reaction from the pov of a well, well-rested person, with control over their own time and priorities - as if her situation is the same. That is utterly lacking in knowledge, basic comprehension skills and empathy.

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 10:39

@Lougle I'm upset and I'm knackered. I dont want to see him this morning. DF has simply told him to wait until I ring him to come over rather than just turning up and causing a scene.

OP posts:
1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 21/10/2018 10:41

What lovely parents you have. Hang in there Willow, this too shall pass x

Mouseville65 · 21/10/2018 10:43

I've read most of this thread and whilst I agree that what your DH did was out of order I don't think it makes him a terrible person.

My ExDH threw a cake at me once (one I had bought for him) and I was furious but every Valentine's Day since we have laughed about it, in the grand scheme of things it was so ridiculous but just a moment of madness.

I truly hope your break and some rest helps and that you move past this 💐

Flowerpot2005 · 21/10/2018 10:43

@ Lougle...OP DF did NOT say DH had to stay away, it clearly reads he was asked not to turn up unannounced.

Flowerpot2005 · 21/10/2018 10:46

Willow, ignore the people still banging on. The situation has moved on & your DP's are giving you the support you need.

DH needs to get his head back into the game, I don't care how pissed off he was, there's no excuse for throwing something right at you & calling you names. Especially given the difficult circumstances. He isn't sleep deprived, you are. Couple of good sleeps & you'll feel so much better x