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Original poster

Help needed - emotional affair with married man

494 replies

CrimsonCloverHoney · 19/10/2018 10:46

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

OP posts:
ElectricMonkey · 20/10/2018 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 20/10/2018 14:06

Yes because the two are comparable. I'm out. This isn't helping.

OP posts:
Djnoun · 20/10/2018 14:09

It's an addiction, OP. There's a video that really vividly captures the cycle, if you've got five minutes to watch it.

As hard as it is, we need to get you away from him. Do you think you can postpone the meeting on Monday, if you can't cancel it? Baby steps are better than nothing.

ElectricMonkey · 20/10/2018 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 20/10/2018 14:10

I can give you the wisdom of my experience on this one, OP. Zero judgement from me as I had an affair with a married man in my teens. He turned out to be a weak and terrible person. Please don’t do this to yourself. Cut him dead and see a therapist. I wish I had. Run like the wind.

Loopytiles · 20/10/2018 14:10

The person you shouldn’t be taking shit from is your married boyfriend.

You have yourself and your DC to consider. You know that this relationship is negative for you (and your DC given the way it is affecting your mental state), so the best course of action is obvious.

MadameOvary · 20/10/2018 14:11

No decent man would want to take advantage of the situation you are in. He is weak and spineless and you should end it for your mental health if nothing else.

I've been there. I thought it was perfectly ok to have emotional and physical affairs as I was too thick, selfish and immature to know better. I have a similar background to you so I understand the mindset. I really hope you wise up and get some self-respect and a fully-functioning twat radar - two things you will be lost without.

youbrokemytwatometer · 20/10/2018 14:29

"We've identified..."
"We need to get you away from him"

It's laughable, yet nauseating, how PP has managed to turn this into a "we" pet project!

rosinavera · 20/10/2018 15:22

Electricmonkey - you are getting truly vile - I have reported you!

LimpyLampy · 20/10/2018 15:30

OP stay on this thread esp if you need support in staying away from him.

Many of us have been in your shoes and been with men who never had the slightest intention of being with us in any meaningful way. x

theredjellybean · 20/10/2018 15:31

"after I see him I feel elated for a very short period of time and then I feel depressed again. It's never enough."

THIS....it will never be enough
NEVER NEVER NEVER
as i have said before for some people affairs do work, they like a small bit of time set aside for each other and then can go back to ther other lives without needing or wanting more.
some people like being independent , with no ties and no demands and like having a 'boyfriend' who is undemanding cus he has a wife and family.
YOU DO NOT SOUND LIKE THIS
and believe me as i know , the elation lasts less and less time and the depression gets longer and harder.
there is only one happy ending in this for you and that is stop this now.
find your inner strength and be the better person.
he wont do it for you ..he loves lapping up your attention.
he is not your friend, he is not you love, he does not have your best interests at heart...
even in affairs which inherently are mostly selfish people can be genuinely caring about their affair partner but he does not care , he is mean and nasty when he thinks you are not toeing his line, and he is manipulating you like a pro..infact he is a pro at this, you will be one of many in his game

Huskylover1 · 20/10/2018 15:37

This will only end in tears. And they won't be his, that's for sure.

He won't sleep with you because:

a) He values his marriage too much
or
b) He has a Micro Penis
or
c) He has Erectile Disfunction
or
d) He has an STD

Are any of these options a "turn on"?

In addition to the above, he's a liar and a cheat. If he can lie to, and cheat on, the woman he married and made a family with, then he will do exactly the same to you.

You may have feelings for him, but he is choosing his wife over you on a daily basis. How will that ever end well for you? Also, all of the time you are devoting to him (actual time and time spent thinking about him), is time wasted : you could be proactively trying to find a single man to date and hopefully fall in love with/marry.

When he says he can't leave because of the kids, that's just another lie. 50% of parents in the UK are not in a relationship with the person they had kids with. If he wanted to, he could pack a bag and leave today...and be with you by tonight. He chooses to remain with his wife.

As for djnoun I'm afraid that you've been fed "the script" by your married "boyfriend". He won't be miserable at home, and they will be having sex. Or, if you flip it, look at it this way....he says his home life and relationship with his wife is miserable, however, he still values his wife and marriage over a life with you Not great, is it?

These Men are just Men. There are literally Millions of lovely Men to choose from. Why choose someone attached who values another Woman (the wife) over you? Is this all that you are worth? Really?

Sadli · 20/10/2018 15:48

Men in good marriages don't cheat. You can do better than be his distraction from a crap marriage OP, his marriage is his problem not yours.

You're free and single, go and find a decent man.

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 20/10/2018 16:08

The last time I saw him, he told me that when I was younger (I'm late twenties) I could have had any man I wanted because I was gorgeous and had the full package. But now I'm a single parent, he says my options are limited. That night when I got home I was left feeling depressed and miserable, like I'd fucked my life up by getting pregnant young and like any chances of me meeting someone decent are over. I confronted him about this the next day and he said I was over-analysing what he said and that he obviously didn't mean it in the way I'd taken it. How was I supposed to take it? Confused

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 20/10/2018 16:09

His marriage aside, he doesn't actually sound that nice. I'm unclear as to what you see in him. I'd understand falling for a married guy who was thoughtful, funny, caring, respectful, supportive etc etc but he sounds unappealing. I'd advise ditching him even if he were unmarried.

rainbowlou · 20/10/2018 16:11

He thinks you should be grateful to him because you have a child??
Married or not he sounds horrible, if he did leave his wife for you imagine how much he would be able to belittle you and control you then?
My ex once told me I was lucky someone like him was interested in me and that most girls would be dying to swap places with me..now I am out of that relationship I cannot believe some of the bullshit he fed me and I believed.
I hope you leave him and his wife follows very soon after.

Djnoun · 20/10/2018 16:12

He sounds like an absolute dick, OP. Don't He's negging you to make you feel like you can't do better. I'm certain that's not the case.

Is this the first person you've been involved with since the father of your child? Is that maybe adding to the weight of his words for you?

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 20/10/2018 16:30

He's the first person I've let myself "fall" for, yes. I've opened up to him a lot and told him things that I haven't told many people. He's used this to his advantage. When he told me I was over-analysing I instantly thought, yeah it must be me not him. I almost felt apologetic for confronting him about it. Wow.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 20/10/2018 16:32

He hasn't said it directly yet but I get the sense that he's not happy about my weight either. I'm not overweight, just curvy. But he goes out of his way to comment on other people's weight in front of me, mainly women, and has referred to another woman at work who is roughly the same size as me and has said she's chubby. He knows what he's fucking doing.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 20/10/2018 16:32

More reasons to say goodbye to the loser.

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 20/10/2018 16:35

It just makes me feel even more pathetic that I'm addicted/obsessed to this man when I can see that he's such a dick. How did I let this happen?

OP posts:
Djnoun · 20/10/2018 16:39

We all just want to be loved and valued, OP. It can make us make poor decisions. We've all been there in one capacity or another.

I promise you can and will feel better with space and time.

Huskylover1 · 20/10/2018 16:40

Bloody hell, the more you write, the more Dickish he sounds.

If he loved you, he'd be honoured to be allowed to be your Partner and a step parent to your child. How dare he suggest that your precious child is a handicap or annoyance. Fucking Dick.

My DH met me when I was single with 2 kids. He didn't bat an eye and has been a wonderful StepDad to them for 10 years. If he'd have ever referred to them as baggage or similar, he wouldn't be in my life.

He doesn't like your weight? Fuck me. It gets worse.

I could maybe just maybe understand your infatuation with him, if he was hung like a Donkey and was fantastic between the sheets, but you haven't even seen his micro penis yet. Guaranteed he has Erectile Disfunction.

He's a nasty little shit. Please get rid, asap.

Oh and btw, I've met men like this. They never only have one OW on the side. Ask to borrow his phone on Monday (pretend your battery is flat), guaranteed he won't hand it over.

Notquiterichenough · 20/10/2018 16:40

Not judging at all regarding the EA bit (I get just how addictive they can be, and the craving to keep contact etc) but he sounds awful.

You're so young, you have a life ahead of you. You can do so much better than him.

Loopytiles · 20/10/2018 16:46

You are not powerless, you can end contact and begin to get over this at any time you choose.