Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

I think you mean girlfriend, @Bimgy85

Having a late one tonight?

Sorry for multiple posting. Sounds like a real fucker. Gets to be angry and controlling with you when you're out but he's at home with his wife and kids on the sofa? Having a family day out but texting you 'fuck you' for being a night out with friends, because he's a manipulative lying narcissist cheat who wants the best of both friends, not because he is interested in you unfortunately.

Preferably you could fast forward into the future where you look back on this with regret and anger. There will be more married men hitting on you as you live your life. Lots and lots of them. They have the same stories, the same excuses. You'll see that "catching" a married man is like shooting fish in a barrel. Too easy. Not an accomplishment. Extremely painful emotionally because the feelings are more intense.

And I was raised to be a mistress, not a wife, too. I have no judgment in theory - it's just a sad way to live year after year for most women - whether you're playing the role of the mistress or the role of the betrayed wife. The man in the middle has you pitted against each other. His ego is big and his dick is hard.

I am approaching 60 and still dealing with married men. I just waive them off and tell them to come back with a filed-stamped divorce petition in their hand (original, not a copy) and a separate residential address from the alleged soon-to-be-ex-wife. Until then I give them snark, sarcasm and genuine hatred. Sadly, it all just makes their dicks even harder, but, hey, I stand firm regardless because it's such a fucking cliche.

Find your anger. Don't be used.

Wow! I hope his wife finds out!! You are nothing but a home wrecker love and one day what you are doing to her will happen to you! Karma is a nasty little BEEP

Have you thought he has a teeny tiny dick and that's why you haven't had sex yet? Jeez you OW with your issues about these men? Stop fucking putting them on a pedestal, they are seedy, sly and you are certainly not the only special snowflake .

Djnoun I will take on board what you've said - thank you. Sorry my thread has resulted in abuse being thrown in your direction. I suppose when this first started out, I hoped that I could be as strong as you're being and accept it for what it is.

I never made it a life's goal to become the OW but unfortunately it's not as simple as people assume, and ripping the plaster off is just too fucking hard. It's going to have to be done in baby steps for my own sake - cold turkey won't work for me.

I've made him sound like a complete arse but it's not as straightforward as that. We do have a connection, it's undeniable. But it's not enough. It's unhealthy.

He does sound like an arse.

Affairs should be because regardless of other circumstances there is a connection that binds you. A positive connection.

My AP and I want only the best for each other, not control.

Not every affair is based on lies or promises never kept. Some are open to just enjoying what we have together as well as the other parts of our lives.

Get rid. Find someone available to you.

My advice would be to seriously consider why you do not think you are worth more than some bloke who has already proved he is a cheat and a liar - because of he can do it to his wife (a person he has made vows to), he can, and will, do it to anyone.

Oh, and yes, 'connection'. You know how tapeworms have a connection with their hosts? He's exactly that sort of parasite.

An honorable person would end it with their spouse before moving on. Why are you not worth an honorable person?

OP He isn't having sex with you because he thinks you will lose interest with him after having sex.

He isn't having sex with you because he thinks that having sex will mean he has crossed whatever line he has drawn in his head that is his definition of cheating. He doesn't think what he is doing now is really cheating on his wife. He thinks it is flirting.

You are infatuated with him because you are lonely. He might be unhappy with the state of his marriage but he is not going to leave his wife for you. If he wanted to do that, he would already have done so. He doesn't think you are worth leaving her for. He is not giving himself to you on any level including sexually because he does not want to. It really is as simple as that. Please look out for yourself. Talk to people. Have counselling. Take up exercise. Read books. Occupy yourself.

I know this from bitter experience.

Why are you being such a drama queen @CrimsonCloverHoney?

You have nothing with this man. No relationship, no marriage, no kids, nothing. His wife does.

You may have a mere flirtation, big deal.

Find someone who is not married!

Agree, he will not leave his wife for you.

Hi Op, I think you sound lonely, like I was and like the man I’m involved with is.

I’ve tried blocking him, going no contact after discussing with him but neither work, if anything they add to the drama and made me want him more.

What works for me is to really accept the relationship for what it is and to take back control (switch him to mute and check for messages once a day for example) so you’re in control of when you’re in touch. Become distant and you’ll be surprised how quickly the habit will break. Have a bath in the evening and go to bed early so you’re not tempted to make contact or reply to him. Make it clear that nothing will ever happen between you but if you care for him keep any messages to general chat about life etc.

I really feel for you and can relate to all the emotions you’ve described. Don’t be hard on yourself. Leave your phone at home and get out with your child into the countryside/park walk for miles and clear your head. Things will start to become clear and you’ll gain some perspective.

If there's been kissing involved and you meet up regularly, it's not just an emotional affair

He's not shagging you becsuse he doesn't find you worth the risk to his real partner and family. You are something to do (or not do). You might as well be stamp collecting or some other hobby.
It's not nice treatment of you on his part and certainly not on his wife's but you open yourself up to that when you make the choice to crap on other people's lives and families.

He’s cheating on his wife so why would you believe anything he says .

Good advice from @Millieboohoo

The thing about the blocking advice is it's absolutely textbook cookie cutter advice on the relationships board. It's doled out no matter what the crime or the scenario. Block, change jobs, change the locks, move to another city etc. It's frequently not practical and it's almost always entirely overwhelming.

I don't want you to feel like you're weak or silly because you can't get free of this intense feeling in a single snap decision.

But we've identified that you're not happy. So that means you need to start taking steps in the direction of getting free of him.

And honestly, don't use me as an example of someone who is managing their affair perfectly. I am not prepared to listen to rubbish on MN about how I'm the devil with a pitchfork. But it's never easy to be the OW.

I agree with DJ, the advice from Millie is great.

You need to seperate out the difference between who this guy is, and how he makes you feel. Initially , probably damned good but now that's turned to something negative.

He's definitely a habit. Develop new ones.

Djnoun -"suppose if you think making marriage vows means you have to be miserable for the rest of your life, and live in constant unendurable frustration, then yeah, I guess he's a bit of a shit. But I don't see the requirement to live in a kind of soulless prison without any outlet for happiness because you signed a contract half a lifetime ago while having no possible way to predict the ongoing circumstances you might find yourself in on your way to the grave."

Whilst this is all perfectly true, it is absolutely not a reason to suggest that an affair is suddenly an acceptable answer. Anybody who is truly that unfulfilled and unhappy should leave their marriage not lie to and betray their husband or wife. An affair is simply the result of a person's selfishness and greed and another person's willingness to be the secret "partner".

It’s about breaking patterns - don’t expect it to happen overnight, it’s a long haul and it physically hurts. Exercise helps too.

People stay in unhappy relationships for all sorts of reasons, maybe they’re feel they won’t see their kids, maybe they’re in abusive relationships, maybe they don’t want to hurt wider family members or maybe they’re just too damn scared to change things - sometimes we meet people and fall in love, even though we shouldn’t. That’s what makes us human. It’s how we behave once we accept these feelings that matters.

If he leaves his wife and marries you, then that leaves a vacancy. It will never end well, therefore end it while you still have your dignity

Yes we meet and fall in love but this man who won’t have sex with the OP is not invested emotionally with the OP. It’s a flirtation for him, an escape. I was seeing somebody for years who wouldn’t have sex because it would change things. Yes it would have changed things. I’d have seen him as getting more involved, possibly would have seen myself as a ‘real’ girlfriend. He didn’t say it at the time, but he was determined for that not to happen. He wasn’t realky interested in me for anything other than a boost to his ego. This man that wouldn’t commit to me for his reasons continuously told me I was ‘the one’. I felt so like you OP. I lived for his name to pop up on my phone.

The same man saying this was in a relationship (unknowingly to me).. When I found out, he said he is with her for their child.. I stopped responding but to this day he sends texts although much less frequently. I would be amazed if he isn’t emotionally involved with other women even though he is still in a ‘family’ relationship.

Cut contact OP. Be in control of it. I remember pleading with the man I was infatuated with to stop contacting me and he would agree until the next time he got bored or was in a bar on his own. He didn’t give a flicker of thought to anyone except himself. The man you are involved with sounds similar. Getting in a huff because you go out while he shares a bed every night with someone else? How dare he! He isn’t giving a thought to you. Please take control of this awful situation. You deserve so much better than this horrible selfish man. I pity the person he is living with in his web of deceit!and lies, for if not you he would be doing it with someone else.

Before I met him, I never felt lonely - I was perfectly happy in my own company. I mean, there were times where I missed having a partner and having someone around but I never felt like this.

Millie I completely agree that blocking and trying to attempt no contact just heightens the drama of it all. For me, it just sets me up for failure and I wouldn't last a day before I ended up messaging him. This needs to happen in a way where I gradually distance myself from him and make myself less available.

Limpy unfortunately I think you're right. He doesn't love me like he claims to, he loves the ego boost and the fact that a much younger woman is showing him some interest. I don't think, from what he's said, that his marriage his terrible but he's not as happy as he could be. I'm just filling a small void and giving him a distraction from the mundane reality of day to day life.

I get attention from single men, my own age and I used to go on dates and attempt to meet someone but now I don't feel like I can do that. He said it makes him feel uncomfortable and like he's no one special. Fuck, I've really been played, haven't I? He wants all of me whereas I get hardly anything. The sex thing is about him not crossing the affair line - in his mind, I don't think he sees this as properly cheating.

I need to be strong and show him that he means as little to me as I do to him. This is all bullshit, and he's more than likely going about his weekend without giving me a second thought.

CCH

I asked you about your childhood and what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Sadly it was not far off what I was expecting to read. Between them they taught you a whole lot of damaging lessons on relationships and the effects of those still persist to this very day. All this and other factors besides made you far more vulnerable to the attentions of such a manipulator. I maintain he targeted you and deliberately because of such emotional vulnerability. He knows without a doubt you are a single mother and so even more dependent on a regular wage coming in.

This man won't make you feel more "normal" at all; more like more dependent on him. And yes you have been played and by someone who has far more power and control here in this relationship than you ever would have. You are not his equal here and I would also think he has cheated on his wife throughout his marriage.

Apart from being an absolute arse he sounds very controlling!
For all you know he could have a string of ow all waiting for their time with him, all being told what they want to hear.
My H cheated, he told her we didn’t have sex (we did, in fact even the night before he met her!), that he only stayed for the children, that he felt trapped, he made me out to be such a moaning, boring old cow just to get in another woman’s knickers.
The truth was, we were spending every weekend. travelling around looking at houses as we wanted to move to the coast, I have texts from him at the time telling me how excited he was for our new life and was so happy, plans for when we ‘grow old together’, we were discussing trying for another baby etc.
I find it quite sad when I read about people getting involved with married men and lapping up every single word they say about their wives who are oblivious to the awful way they are being portrayed to a stranger.