Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

OP. He was never really involved or it could be he sort of ‘went along’with things. Either way his heart was never really in it. His heart is with his family.

Dint expect it but do not be surprised if you hear from him again at times he feels bored. Regardless of how lonely you feel, this man will never give you want you want. You need more than somebody who shares his bed and his life with another woman x

I the nicest way possible OP, were you expecting him to fight for you?

It meant more to you than it did to him.

Start looking forward. You got this 👊🏼👍

Now would be a good time to block 👍

You're right Limpy. I need to realise that I'm worth more. I felt more lonely being whatever I was to him than I ever did before I met him. As soon as he told me he loved me, I fell for it and something changed in my head - I should have been strong enough to not get involved in the first place but oh well. I hope things start to become clearer soon. My head's a fucking mess.

I agree with blocking. Otherwise you will be waiting for him to contact you and should he catch you in a moment of weakness, you may respond and the longer this angst goes on for, the more hurt you will be. For him its merely something ‘else’ in his life. For you it is a big part of your life. There was never a balance so it was always going to be you who felt the fall more.

No, I didn't expect him to fight for me. I know I'm not special to him. I don't know - it just feels bizarre. I need to seriously sort my head out.

He's just messaged me asking whether he can call me after he finishes at the gym. I think I need to block. I can't be dangled on a string again.

OP, he's looking to you to give him a get out. Take it.

Block and run!

How are you feeling about talking to him? Do you think you will?

I hope you don't cave in, but if you do, remember that you've just started your journey of detachment. It doesn't matter how long it takes (although the sooner the better, really - rip that plaster off!) but you're starting to see what's real and it's not a secret affair...

Also remember that whilst you're waiting around for him, you're potentially missing the person who IS right for you, but you can't see him because you're busy looking at the wrong person.

Djnoun I think it would be a terrible idea. I'm feeling at my weakest and I can't handle it.

I think I'd speak to him and tell him it's over. Blocking is fine, but it will feel like 'unfinished business' (well, it would to me). I think having that conversation is important, provided you don't weaken when you hear his weasel words.

Okay- trust me, you need to get as far out of this situation as you can.
3 years ago I began dating a man who I initially believed to be single. It transpired that he was actually married. I ended it a few times and we got back together. I was like you are now, pined for him like a lost puppy, hung on his every word and like you ARE but won’t admit, besottedly inlove with the prick.
He led me on and on and his wife found out, we now have a son together that he never sees and I am painstakingly heartbroken. 2 years on and I’m till so hurt.
It was not worth it except for the fact that I have a beautiful son.
Please be kind to you self and leave.
Ultimately like you maybe are, I had very low self esteem, no self respect and a need for a man who would love me the same as I loved him.
Hope this helps

He had his time slot for you, having told his wife lies, and is now using it for working out. He’s not worth your time. A quick text to confirm it’s over and telling him not to contact you again would suffice.

Haven't read the whole thread and I'm sure you don't need another comment about how wrong this is. My partner just left after doing something similar to this at work. Devastating. The emotions I went through were horrendous. It doesn't just affect your relationships, it affects your world view. I don't trust anyone at all now.

Never ever rely on someone for your happiness or to 'fix' you. Anything can happen.

Good luck op.

And there's the guilt trip.

Designed to reel you back.

You're not a minnow. You are a smashing young woman with her life ahead of her and a young daughter to raise.

He's a cliche.

If he reels you in a bit tighter, say you will see a solicitor on grounds of harassment. You won't see him for dust.

You need a huge distraction and something else to occupy your thoughts - can you focus on your health? Fitness? Skincare?

I answered his call and told him that I need to move on and this has to stop. He was unusually nice and understanding but said he doesn't want to lose me completely and asked whether we can still message each other without any face-to-face meet ups. I said no, there's no point. It needs to be a clean break.

homebirds I was thinking the same thing. I need something. I think I'm going to try and focus on getting fit and gaining some confidence. I'm 28 but I feel like I've aged so much due to all of this. Currently stuffing my face with chocolate which never helps, does it?

OP, loving someone is never supposed to be this hard. It's not supposed to make you feel down and hurt and reaching for the chocolate.
You know you're worth more than this.

He is willing to carry on emotionally betraying his wife. He's not worth feeling down about.

Well done for turning him down tonight.
I hope you find your inner woman strength and tell him to jog on completely.

Getting fit is an excellent way to get a bit of confidence up. I recommend the thirty day shred if you want something simple you can do at home with minimal equipment. You can get the DVD from Amazon for a fiver or thereabouts.

PP upthread is absolutely right that detachment is a journey. It sounds like you're making some great progress and you should be really proud of yourself.

Don’t allow him to use you as an emotional ego boost by continuing messaging him. Sod that for a game of soldiers. You will never move on if you allow yourself to be used as a distraction when somebody else is bored. Keep looking at your child and think what you would say to her if they came looking for advice. You’d want so much better for her wouldn’t you? You deserve so much better too. x

That's exactly what it would be - an emotional ego boost. He wants me there at the other end of a message so that he can feel less miserable about himself and the life he's created for himself. I've been too fucking soft in the past and I've done exactly what he wanted me to do and been there whenever he needed me. Wow. It's unbelievable how much typing out what's been happening on here has helped me realise what's been happening. I'm finally able to piece things together and see that this was never what I thought it was. He told me he loved me because he knew that I was weak enough to fall for it, and believe that I needed him in my life.

I don't want to sound all soppy but can I just say how much I appreciate all of your support, I wouldn't have been able to find the strength to do this without some of the people on this thread. Thank you.

Is he your superior at work? Is he management or 'above' you in any small way at all?