Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

@CrimsonCloverHoney I never thought I'd say it, but I actually do feel for you.

I really do think it's him using you for an ego boost.

You would never feel safe with a man like that OP. He's a snake. I'm sure he made his wife feel how you do... and now look what he's doing to her.

I hope you find the strength to tell him where to go. Give yourself the chance to find someone who will really make you feel safe.

Again, my feelings on this post were never personal to you as such, more that it hits a nerve when children are involved. If their family is destroyed because of infidelity, it will affect them for the rest of their lives.

This man is not who you think he is 

Dump him and stop being such a fool.
He will find someone else to take your place.

Cross posted with your last post there OP



I feel you, I do, believe me.
Just don't be that person who turns the lives of those children upside down. (Even though it will be on his head, the bastard)

You are wanted. Your child loves and wants you (not the same as romance, I know)
But if you stay infatuated with this man, you will never be available to someone who can love you in the right way.
You are worth more.

Thanks Groot. Apologies for telling you to fuck off earlier - misdirected anger.

Hardly misdirected, I did call you a hoe 😂

Good luck OP, get rid of that creep. He's doing nothing for your self esteem.

Very true. I take back my apology 😂.

Seriously though, I've got this. It's over.

I think you should tell her.

Reading your last post you seen quite self aware.
Try some CBT or even talking therapy.
This help me no ended.
I learnt how to trust myself instead of needing validation from others.

You are strong enough to do this. Be prepared for emotional manipulation bullshit and then anger ('see i told you that you would reject me' self pity crap).

He is like an emtional vampire sucking away your self esteem and throwing you crumbs to keep you hooked. Get angry that he is denying your daughter a happy stable mother who has a chance to build a secure homelife just to satisfy his insecurities.

Take back the power and move on

FGS, he's just a Man. As I said up thread, you haven't even had sex (because he admits he has a problem in that department). That's enough to put you off surely?

Add to that, he's an absolute sneaky shitbag, who hasn't even got his wife's back, because he sniffs around other women. He will never be your safe place. He made vows to his wife, in front of all of his family and friends, and he isn't even her safe place. He's a Player. You WILL NOT be the only other woman that he's sniffing around.

Just imagine him having sex with his wife, and then hiding in the toilet to text you. Can you imagine being her, and how awful this is?

If none of this strikes a chord, just imagine him doing a Big Poo or something. You know, really straining to push it out, tortoise head stylie.

Oh wow, the judgment you're getting on here is just horrendous.... Next step is the stones and the scarlet letter...and all the advice to remember the "poor wife" is hardly helpful. She might be a raging bitch for all you know. And it's hardly the point.
The point is that this looks like a dead end story with a man who's older, already taken, and seems pretty manipulative from what you're saying. It sounds like an obsession the way you describe it, an addiction that is not even supported by a rational liking of that guy. The only solution seems to be to go cold turkey. Tell him it's over or tell him you need time to think. Stop all calls and messages if any for a month. It will be horrible and painful for weeks but it's the only way to get rid of the "infection". The dates with other men will do nothing if you havent changed your outlook on the situation.

if only

I've told him I can't see him tonight. Why the fuck do I feel guilty?

That’s good. Feeling however you feel is fine: it will pass. Just continue not to see him and even better cease all contact.

Right now you should be beginning to feel less guilty. You have done the right thing. Ask yourself whether he would have spnt this evening feeling guilty whilst he was with you? Did he feel guilty whilst spending the weekend with his wife and children and not you? Don't waste your feelings on him.

Hold your nerve, lass.

Well done.
Don't feel guilty, feel proud of yourself!
He's the dog who should be feeling guilty.

Well done OP! You wanted to be protected, something you didn't get when you were younger. He isn't going to protect you. He built you up and now he's tearing you down and by the end you'd have been hook line and sinker needing him so it's great you posted here because we see how this shit unfolded for you.

Have a read of this. It's like when you find out Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy aren't real tbh, all a little bit 'oh is that it?'

brainworldmagazine.com/flame-addiction-neuroscience-infidelity/

Well done. But... be ready for him trying to reel you back in. He will, and you will need to find your resolve and not give in. Please don't feel guilty - it's utterly misguided. If you think he's 'upset'? Remember that he has his wife to turn to to make him feel better...

I wish you could have spent a week or two with me when I found out about DH's affair. I doubt you would be feeling guilty for ending it if you could have witnessed the devastation these things cause. I was utterly unable to function and a mess.

Good on you, OP!

Has he drawn you into trying to justify yourself? If he hasn't yet, try to avoid any conversation like that, where he might pick at your judgement.

Well done op.
Expect either gushing and love bombing from him... Or guilt tripping from him.. Either 'you're so lovely I can't stop thinking about you,' or 'I know I am a sad old bloke who couldn't possibly hold onto someone as young and vibrant as you'
Also expect anger 'after all I have done for you' or 'I risked so much for you'

Ignore them all.... Its just a game for him.

Remember NO NEW COBTACT =NO NEW HURT.

Have you got something else you can do tonight instead to stop you moping?

He asked me whether me not seeing him tonight meant that I'm ending it. I didn't reply. So he sent me another message saying that he understands that he can't give me what I want and that I need to do what's best for me. Is he being genuine?

In the nicest possible way, does it matter if he's genuine or not? This is about what you think and not him

He's given you an easy out there... take it, take it, take it.

No it doesn't matter, I'm just surprised that he's being so reasonable. It's over. No going back.