Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

He met his wife through having an affair. She was the one cheating though, apparently he was single at the time.

@LimpyLampy that is pure speculation. We don't know any of those things. It's very unfair to presume the wife knows. I never. I was in no way complicit. The OP knows he's married and has kids yet still can't stay away... and let's face it, it's not down to the fabulously wild, fulfilling every fantasy going kind of bucking that they're doing is it?! 😉

His wife would be better off knowing the truth, in order to take informed decisions about her life.

His wife finding out would also be likely to require him to end the affair, which would also be a good thing.

Ah interesting plot twist right there.

It's fascinating how the story keeps evolving...

@LimpyLampy with the new information please ignore my last post 😂

Sadly I can write the beginning, middle and end from bitter experience. OP don’t spend years with someone playing you like I was played. x

I won't Limpy. I can't. When I broke it off a few weeks ago I felt happy and relieved but in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't really the end. This time I need to end it and stick to it. I don't know whether or not to tell his wife. Am I causing unnecessary upset or would she rather know? I think in her shoes I'd want to know but is it my place to tell her? I don't know her but I can access her fb profile.

I wouldn't tell her if you work with him, OP. He could get vindictive and cause trouble for you at work, which you don't need with children to think of.

I wouldn’t tell her. Many here would disagree but if he is a good father to his children, personally I wouldn’t dream of jeopardizing that.

Tell his wife what? Your not actually having affair it’s all in your head? Unless I’ve missed something.

Walk away, you stupid stupid woman.

I wouldn't be the one telling his wife. The utter backlash on you would be massive - you work together don't you? Do you think he would come running to you? Move in with you? That you would live happily ever after?

When I found out about my ex's affair he could have gone running straight to her but he didn't. His main concern was about losing me and the kids.

Yes, the wife absolutely deserves to know that her husband is a lying, cheating bastard but to come from you? How would you envisage that working for you?...

No I don't think he would come running to me or want to be with me. I've mentioned before and I sincerely mean it when I say that I do NOT want this man to be my boyfriend or future husband. My childhood and other experiences have resulted in me feeling like I'm worth nothing more than this shit, but believe me - I don't want this to be my life.

I didn't mean to cause further offence when I mentioned telling his wife Happyinheels. I don't think she'd thank me and we'd become friends - I was feeling angry as to how he's playing both me and her, and like she deserved to know the truth.

As for the "affair" all being in my head... I doubt she'd see it that way .

I cba to scroll thru the whole thread butt sounds like he’s given you the script, the whole script and nothing but the script.

I also suspect he has a small dick, hence you guys not having slept together yet.

His poor wife.

His wife has a right to know. I’d want to.

@CrimsonCloverHoney you haven't caused me any offence with anything you've said. I'm not judging at all. We can all think we'd behave in certain ways etc but when the actuality happens it's very different. I always said I'd never stay with someone if they cheated on me but the reality was very different. We'd been together nearly 20 years, we had 2 kids together, he was my best friend, we'd been through such tough times together. I was devastated but I stayed. For 4 years I tried to forget and move on. We all have ideals but when it happens in reality it's different.
You mention your childhood...At the risk of sounding harsh - you cannot use your childhood as an excuse. You're way better than that. I speak from experience - I grew up in care, I was abused in every which way. You are not a victim so stop behaving like one. You are allowing him to treat you this way. Take the power and use it. You have to do this. Hugs 🤗

@CrimsonCloverHoney this is just an ego boost to you then?

You're not in love with this man, you see no future with him and you never envision him being your boyfriend?

So why are you doing this?

Groot do I strike you as someone who's ego has been boosted? I thought I loved him, but I'm starting to see that this is an addiction, or an infatuation. At one point, I thought I wanted him and he also led me to believe that it could happen but as time went on I realised that this is all just a game, and I'm basically his bit on the side who he turns to when he's had a shit time at home. I shouldn't have got involved in the first place but the way he was in the beginning made me fall hard. Fall in love? I don't think so. Fall for his bullshit? 100%. This really is like an addiction. I know he's not a drug but he may as well be. I want to quit it, I really do. Which is why I'm here.

Happyinheels I appreciate what you're saying, and I completely agree that people have no idea how they would react in certain situations until they find themselves in them, and by that point it's often too late to think rationally.

I don't mean to use my childhood as an excuse, I was just trying to explain as to why I've ended up in this shitstorm of a situation. I'm not saying it's ok, or a good enough reason to do what I've done but it does explain partly why I let it happen in the first place. You're right though - what I do next is in my control and it has to end.

I hope you have found happiness now.

Look, i honestly have no interest in berating you at this point.
I can see you're not in a good place and this 'man' has taken advantage of that.

I'm just curious as to why you're continuing this... I can see no reason other than it being an ego boost.
And yes, I mean ego boost as in it makes you feel good knowing this man fancies you, wants you, over his wife (he doesn't btw but I'm sure you've figured that out)

Anyway, I hope you see that what you (and him!) are doing is wrong.
You've been sucked into something I'm sure you didn't want.
Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you are worth more than this. His wife is also worth more than this. Then tell him to fuck right off.

You will find someone OP.
You don't deserve to be a dirty little secret.
You have not been put on this planet to fuel this sad little mans ego.

I know I've given you a hard time on this thread but I do wish you the best.
Just do the right thing.

Op, I could have write this many years ago. Something that really helped me was a book called Facing Love Addiction.
His control of you is familiar, I’d end it and he’d come in with the compliments, which were no way as effective as the insults for reeling me in. The insinuation that I was good but slightly... broken. It kept me so bound in.
I’m the end I had to threaten that if he came back to me again after I’d found the super human strengths to end it, I’d tell his wife. That way I only had to deal with my ocean of feelings, not fear him coming back to mess me around.

Iangroot Have you never felt ‘addicted’ to attention from someone? Really?

I get you OP. I’ve been there. But you simply must cut ties with this man for your own sake. You really must x

@LimpyLampy as a teenager, yes.
As an adult and a mother, no. I understand right from wrong. As hard as it is sometimes. The world doesn't revolve around me and my feelings, you have to take into account how it will affect other people.

Like I say, I have no interest in berating OP, I can see she's not completely heartless (unlike some)

Look, when there are kids involved, you have to put your own feelings to one side and look at the bigger picture.
Am I really the only one who feels that way?

Groot I completely see that what I've been doing is wrong.

The reason I've been carrying on with it isn't because of an ego boost - it's because I feel like I need to see him, and in some sort of bizarre way, I feel "safe" when I'm in his company. It used to feel like he fully understood me for who I am, and like I didn't have to put a front on. He came across as being so mature, confident and charismatic - it was so new to me, and I fell for it. The reality is that he's insecure, controlling and really not all that.

So why do I still do it? Because the attachment is still there and I'm worried about the huge dip I'll feel when I know that the crutch that's been keeping me going for the past few months has gone. He made me feel like I wasn't alone in life, and like I had someone who's got my back. Time and time again he's told me that he'll be here for me for as long as I want or need him to be and at first I thought "thanks but no thanks - I don't need anyone" but that was in the beginning when I felt stronger and less reliant on him for my feelings. Without realising, I've slowly been fading away and now I'm in this desperate position where I know that I need to end it but I'm fucking terrified. It really is an awful feeling and believe me, I know how pathetic I sound. It's embarrassing. I've told 2 friends in real life - they can't understand it. I don't blame them.

I don't know if any of that makes sense or whether I'm just rambling but it's hard to explain. I miss the person I used to be. I wish this had never started.

Part of me still feels like the little girl who never felt protected enough by my parents. I felt lost and like I didn't belong to anyone. I still feel that way. He made me feel like I belonged to him. I don't.

I know this is all about me me me. I don't mean to come across as being so self-absorbed. My feelings mean fuck all in comparison to my child's. I never, ever want her to make the same mistakes that I have.