Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

Op no judgement from me. You are in the throes of an addiction, so it is not that simple to just stop. Just as it isn’t for smoking, drugs etc.
He gave you the high of attention and adoration at the beginning. And then changed. Look up ‘intermittent reinforcement’.
You are craving what the relationship/man you met at the start. He is showing his true colours and has nothing to offer you at all.
It will be very tough to break away and will not happen straight away but YOU have to want this to stop and take some difficult steps. You have so much life ahead of you and do not let this man steal any more of your precious headspace.

Well @rosinavera, I think I speak for the majority of PP's when I say- I'm so glad you're here. 
Thanks for the telling off, I have taken your words on board. Unfortunately I still believe that you shouldn't shag married men. Naughty me.

Many people cannot simply just ‘stop’ smoking, gambling etc. He has messed with your head and that takes time to unravel.

I agree with you also EvePolastriSorryBaby but do you have to be so downright nasty about it? This girl needs support and all you want to do is insult her and Djnoun.

I don't think I have been nasty at all? Name calling has come from Djnoun only.

I don't actually think Djnoun has name-called at all - she is trying to help the OP. Constantly telling the OP she is doing wrong is not helping her - she already knows that.

Crimson - sorry it is harsh but this man thinks you are so vulnerable that you will accept any bullshit as truth. It is obvious. He is exploiting you because he thinks you are vulnerable. He is targeting you (and not somebody else who might be richer, thinner, more sexy, more intelligent) because you are vulnerable.

Do you know what? You probably are. It is not a crime. It is a consequence of prior experience. But now you have a DC and need to model (or fake) being strong and having self worth. Do you want to stay vulnerable (there will always be shitbags who target vulnerable women) or do you want to have self worth? Try googling the Freedom Program. It is not your fault that you ended up here but you can prevent your daughter ending up here. It's a crap place to be.

Rosi...please c+p some nastiness from me.....

EvePolastri - I don't understand your comment but I'm not going to post anymore - I've said my bit thank you.

Copy and paste. You said I was downright nasty. I don't think that's been the case so I wondered what on earth you were talking about.

I was thinking the same as a previous poster - I bet he abuses his wife too.

OP I recently walked away from a married man I really liked who professed "special feelings." There was no affair but I wanted him and keeping away has not been easy.

I took the Mumsnet approved route of no contact, keeping busy, joining a new exercise class etc. I've done the lot. Do I feel any better? Actually not much. And I feel embarrassed by that - like I should be over it by now. I even pretend to my friends that I've brushed it off and am not thinking about him anymore because I'm so embarrassed to still be pining and hurting. So there's no real outlet at all. I'm just waiting for it to get better on my own.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I empathise with the pain you are feeling. I empathise with being able to see how a situation is wrong and a person is not good for us, but still find it hard to break away. The problem is, the more people tell us (and we tell ourselves) that we are weak and pathetic for feeling that way, the less strong and able to break away we feel.

He is abusive though, and it will get worse. You need a plan for at least weaning yourself off, if you can't tear the plaster. This man will cause you only misery.

OP, I was the OW and my now DH and I had an emotional affair which did become physical. He ended his marriage and we are married now.

It can work but having suicidal thoughts is concerning. This man is having an impact on your mental health you need to end this now and look into counselling.

I've looked back and apologies EvePolastri not downright nasty but definitely not exactly supportive either.

Appreciated.

I'm more inclined to be supportive to the OP as she seems to be aware of the damage her affair could cause and genuinely seems emotionally drained by it all. I would guess that she is in a vulnerable position. I still don't condone it.
A previous poster however, seems to flaunt her position. She is arrogant and thoughtless and seems to think that by giving her situation a modern twist, she is somehow some new age romantic.

Having read this whole thread with both disgust, sympathy, anger and something like a bizarre fascination I felt compelled to comment.
I can't possibly judge. But I can tell you this OP.
My DH had an affair. My DD found out and as well as blowing apart our whole family, it destroyed their relationship. So much so that my DD has turned to self harming and has tried to commit suicide.
You are responsible for YOUR actions. Not his. Your own. And you really need to take control of this situation. You are being used and played. And whilst crikey yeah it can be so lonely and isolating as a single parent it doesn't mean you should be 'needy.' He is taking advantage of you and your situation. I feel very sorry for you because he has become your emotional crutch. You really need to break free. But hey ho, you know what you need to do 🤷🏻‍♀️ but being strong enough is something else. As the wife I can tell you now that things at home are not as he tells you... You're his plaything that he can keep dangling on a string and yank you in whenever he wants.

@ChippyPickledEggs

"The problem is, the more people tell us (and we tell ourselves) that we are weak and pathetic for feeling that way, the less strong and able to break away we feel."

This is absolutely spot on.

My DH had an affair. My DD found out and as well as blowing apart our whole family, it destroyed their relationship. So much so that my DD has turned to self harming and has tried to commit suicide.

And this is why, you shouldn't shag other people's husbands!!!!!! Or wives!!!!!

 love to you and your daughter.

I think op needs to hear the things that are being said.
Sometimes the truth hurts but needs saying.
I've never had an affair but years ago my ex kept turning up.
I thought we'd get back together..., he called I ran.
It was an addictive ion.
I was depressed and suffered low self esteem.
Wouldn't happen now.
You need to build yourself up.
There is so much more out there.

Agreed, but she is trying to help the OP and I commend her for that.

@CrimsonCloverHoney I think my posts are helpful actually. I'm trying to stop you ruining the family of those young children.

Having read your updates though, I pity you.
You've been played for a fool. He sounds horrible.
I hope you see sense and try to work on your self esteem.

To be fair the OP isn’t the one ruining the family of young children. Their father is the one doing that. Men like that don’t change. How many were there before the OP? . There will be many after her too.

@LimpyLampy oh yes, I totally agree with you. But she will also be a factor in it.

The whole situation is sad and seedy and I feel sorry for his wife and kids. That's all.

@LimpyLampy I think the word is 'complicit...'

I’d be surprised if he doesn’t have form for this. His wife is probably complicit too and has taken him back after finding out about previous affairs. Once a cheater always a cheater.

@EvePolastriSorryBaby thank you