I am thinking to tell his wife...

[Anon31483]

Hi all

i was dating a guy who when we met told me he is single two years. I then found out some stuff on twitter and then when i confronted him he told me he is separated and we had a huge argument but he wanted to make up insisting he is separated and thats a thing of the past. Then i found out the truth that he is fully married.

Needless to say, i was mad and i confronted him calling him names and he then finally admitted they had problems. After that i found out he lied to me about other stuff as well like he had given me false zodiac sign and about health issues to to try and get sympathy from me to make up.

This happened on July and since then we dont talk. I am thinking to tell his wife because what happened to me was very unfair. I had just broken up from a relationship when i met him and he told me he was also looking for relationship. I had no idea he had a leverage to turn to, as I had none and he could easily go back to his wife whilst i had nothing. Thats very unfair in my opinion and has been eating me up this period of time

What is more in twitter I had found out a post from 1 month before we met, that his unborn child that will come on September and when i confronted him he said that this was a joke between his cousin and him because they are close and there is no child on the way.

I feel like it was unfair and it has been eating me up because i feel like i was left without anything whilst he had his safety net all along.

Yes it was a dreadful thing he did but you seem pretty unpleasant so I'd say you deserved it if I'm brutally honest.

So would you not be so wound up about this if you had leverage too? get a grip.

I don't even know what starsign my husband of 10 years is, because it's not really relevant

I feel a need to pipe in here. I totally get the OP's outrage and a lot of the responders seem to be victim attacking.

As a Scottish person (but born in America and sadly living back her for the last 2 year) I can absolutely feel her rage. Because it's rage inducing that these men keep getting free pass after free pass after free pass, while the women who should be standing up for each other just shrug their shoulders as if they have no say. Cringeworthy and gives me the boak.

The responders to the OP sound like victim blamers rather than place blame where it deserves to be. In the lap of the deceitful man. If you've not been there, you have no idea. I say tell the Wife, she will thank you later. I was one of those Wives and very happily divorced from that Cocknugget 10 years on. I wish someone had told me about his affair 2 years prior!

Stop the friggin victim blaming! These guys are master of deception!

I think you owe it to her to tell her. She can then make up her own mind if she wants to stay with him. I know I'd want to know if I was in her position. If you don't tell her he'll move on to deceiving someone else in order to get sex. The main risk is that he will seek revenge on you.

Well he sounds like a bog standard cheating bastard, but I really hope he doesn't have a pet bunny.

Yankeescot get a grip. Not one person has said he is fine to do as he wants.

The op doesn't give a shit about this woman. Why didn't she tell her in June? Why wait? The op is still going through his tweets. She isn't bothered about the woman. She is bothered he had someone else and she didn't. She is bothered he didn't leave. Her ego has been dented. She is still obsessing because her ego was dented.

Even she thinks he wasn't seeing another person. She thinks she is so special, that he wouldn't cheat with anyone else. If he had left his wife, she would have cracked on. She is, imo, reading his tweets to see if he has.

The guy is a dick. But if she tells the woman, she should own it. He will know it's her so being anon, is pointless. She should tell her, for her. But as you can see she doesn't care about her.

Change your attitude OP. Work on yourself OP to be ok on your own. Sort yoursrlf out. Stop being needy and whingey. Otherwise guys like this one will keep targetting you. (Stau far from the innocent wife. Your motive to tell his wife is your hope that she will break up with him and he will be with no back up just like you. That might nit happen. The wife might stay wih him becausr of the child or ehatever other reasons. What you will achieve for sure is breaking up the heart of his innocent wife-even if she stays with him- and even maybe the life of this innocent baby if the wife breaks up with him and develope very negative feelings against him the father of the baby....Just stay far from him and from the life of others...Sort yourself out...

Must be half term...

In this day and age, when we can seemingly find out pretty much anything about anyone due to social media, I actually find it hard to understand how so many people can find themselves in this situation for months, even years, before finding out their significant other is married/living with someone etc.

Right. This is my last post because as I see a lot of people here don't want to understand stuff or they can't.

First of all I am not sure if he was seeing others. From what his behaviour was I think he probably was not, but I am not 100% sure. As I said before, I am not 100% clear about his specific situation. All situations are not the same, black and white.

I can only speak about the deception I received which was awful and because the guy the first time I confronted him, he brushed everything off, he said he is separated and that was a thing of the past and about the kid he denied it as well.

Had I not searched further, I would be maybe in blissful ignorance till now. I couldn't find anything about a kid when I searched but I could find about other lies he told me and the fact that he was not really separated.

Now about my ego. Of course my ego was crashed! It's human and anyone in this position would feel this way. I can't stand the level of manipulation and lies I received. The whole setup was extremely unfair to me, while he had his cake and was eating it.

Now I am thinking to tell his wife because I think really he should not be getting away with this. Its unfair for me and for her too. I can only speak about me tho as I was the direct recipient of this behaviour. I don't know what he tells her and what their setup is. But since he lied and manipulated me to this level, I think I need to not let them get away with this and possibly give that knowledge to his wife, as maybe she had suspicions already.

How can I get back with someone that lied so much? For me is a no brainer.

I don't go through his twitter or anything now all I did was look through in July when I found out the final stuff and I confronted him second time. I didn't do it back then although I was thinking it strongly, because I needed time to process inside me the level of lies I was exposed to. I had very mixed feelings. But now that I think more clearly, I came to the conclusion that he should not be getting away with this. It has been eating me up for some reason.

Anyway, I hope I made things clear, thanks all for your comments. I feel sorry for the people that comment in an aggressive and judgmental way, really sad cases in my opinion.

Life will certainly teach you lessons one way or another.

Regards

OP, I can understand how you feel
Cheated, betrayed and used by this cheating lying pig of a man.

I can understand that you want revenge.

What is not fair is that you interfere in his life in a way that wrecks the life of an innocent woman that you don’t know.

If you were a friend of hers you could weigh up the situation and decide what if I’m HER best interests. As it is, your plan is all about you, not the wife.

Find a revenge that doesn’t involve her. Send him an anonymous letter to his work saying he needs to know that he has slept with someone with a serious STD. Send for some incontinence products to be delivered to his work.

OR move your whole focus to your own life, do things that conciously invest in you and build your self up by taking care of you rather than destroying him. You are your future, he is your past. Look forwards.

You need to let this go and chalk it up to experience. Be more wary next time, and I'm not blaming you, he sounds like a bastard.

But it's not healthy to be so wound up about this 3 months on! All this talk about back up and leverage makes you sound deranged ..... draw a line under it and move on!

thats just your opinion. I m completely innocent in this too and the direct recipient of this deceptive behaviour

Yes you are innocent, but you certainly won't be if you purposely set out to hurt someone who HAS DONE NOTHING TO YOU. Leave the wife out of it

Grow up, stop stalking him on Twitter and move on

I understand how it feels to be betrayed and lied to but the level this is destroying you to this many months later seems strange. You sound obsessive over the situation instead of just chalking it up to a shit situation with a lying wanker which has been happening since the dawn of time. Your energy should be focused on yourself now rather than how to get him back. He's not worth the energy and you are considering completely damaging another human being.
You don't know his wife, her mental state, what she's going through and what your news could do to this person or the repercussions. I would be focusing my energy on letting it go as you are just giving him and the situation more power by going over and over it.

I was the OW lied to and manipulated, then found out when his partner contacted me. (They weren’t married, he’d jilted her two weeks before their wedding but they owned a house, still do ironically, plus she’s since had a baby girl with him and still isn’t settled, he’s currently still dating one of my friends he left me for)

Anyway my point is I know how you feel but, you will regret acting rashly, please consider others and tell her kindly. I was head over heels in love (all this is in another thread) but life moves on and you do get over it all I promise.

I’m geared up to be a single Mum myself but I couldn’t be happier or more content with my lot. I do hope to meet someone else but I’m not ruled back it.

You don’t need back ups or Leverages, don’t mean to sound like a feminist but you can enjoy life on your own! These people who jump from one relationship to the other not caring who they hurt aren’t really happy. I don’t actually believe they properly give their heart to anyone. Always ready to swap and upgrade.

Best of luck getting through it all

Omg

I have been the wife who was cheated on and I found out myself...which she will at some point as men (or women) who have affairs are never as clever as they think they are. The women he had an affair with was also in a long term relationship but I never considered telling him to get revenge on either of them because he also will have found out for himself.
Revenge and the need for it just eats away at you and you end up never being as satisfied as you think you will be after. Its a cliche but a good one - the best revenge is to move on and live your best life. He will continue a cycle of cheating until his wife finds out and then he will be as unhappy as you want him to be and so will she but that won't be on you.

My husband cheated on me with a friend of mine. My husband left me and she’s still with her husband. They were both incredibly UNFAIR to me. I choose not to tell her husband, because I’d be doing it out of revenge and spite.

I’d question your motives for telling. If telling is out of genuine concern for his partner (that she truly knows the man she’s with, so she can protect her sexual health) then tell her. Face to face. Let her know what an absolute lying bastard she’s with. But be warned - she might not believe you and you might not get the reaction you want. If he pulled the wool over your eyes, he might just do it with her too. If telling is just to get revenge, to try and hurt him for hurting you, I’d say move on with your dignity intact and your head held high. He’s not worth this much headspace OP.

Truly shocked at the disgusting replies the OP has received on this thread, she's not upset or hurt the wife? How on earth would she be doing that when she doesn't even know the fricken woman, how can she feel anything for anyone she doesn't actually know!

Of course her anger is completely directed at him, it was HIM who bloody duped her until she caught him out; some folk on here really should not be talking as clearly are using the whole thread as a way to get at a woman who has had the complete piss taken out of her, and not once in any post has she intimated a shred of knowingly dating him as a married man, she had no idea.

Talk about pulling a woman down, tell his wife, you are not responsible for causing her any hurt OP, he is, all the way; you'd probably be saving her future heartache, oh and time, precious time.

Of course what you say is correct Adora but the Op is thinking of telling his wife for revenge not because shes an innocent victim as well.
I am thinking to tell his wife because what happened to me was very unfair

I think I need to not let them get away with this

It's almost as if she thinks it's her fault because she is married to the scumbag, she wants her to hurt like she has and that's not nice.

My stbxh cheated on me with the same woman three times in two years. This last time when she came and made a scene in my town I was even more furious with her for making it about her and thinking she was the victim or had any rights when she knew he had just exploded the world for his wife and children.
It took about a week and tonnes of screenshots of his lying messages to her for me to realise that she actually was a victimtoo. He had been lying through his teeth and she genuinely thought he was practically divorced and he had been future taking and making all sorts of promises to her. Obviously I am shocked and devastated that he did those things but I now think the way he received her was just as bad and feel sorry for her. So I do get where you are coming from. But on dday#3 I couldn't. So if youtell her dontbe surprised if she blames you.

Future faking. And deceived her. Bloody autocorrect!

Kittens, so what, she wants revenge on a cheating deceitful liar, and?

It's almost as if she thinks it's her fault because she is married to the scumbag, she wants her to hurt like she has and that's not nice.

Where has she even given a mention to that?

She wants him to pay, she's not really concerned about his wife, why would she be; it's be turned into the OP having a problem with his wife, she clearly does not.

Hi Anon
Sorry your relationship turned to crap.

Perhaps have a good long read on the dating thread on this relationship board
(Dating Thread 140...Why?). This may help you get a feel for the lay of the land so to speak in these modern dating times.

He lied to you to have sex with you. How do you know if a man is lying? The compliments, flattery, worthy seductions can spin one’s head around. It brings a sort of adrenaline rush that can be addictive so one does want to believe it very much. Until you get burned. Now you know.

I got to the point where all men lie ... umm hum, sure, if you say so, isn’t that something? It’s a lie until proven it’s not. All men are married or attached until it is proven that they are not. All men are living with someone until it is proven that they are not. The proof is seeing with your own eyes.
They avoid taking you over to theirs: red flag. They avoid seeing/talking to you (texting is different) you on weekends and holidays: red flag. Texting can be done in 20 seconds in the bathroom or garage or while taking the bins out-so don’t let that be proof of anything to you.

I see it as a duty to myself to validate the viability of a man to qualify to date me. Feelings and heart are locked up for a good long while to let the truth have a chance to be revealed. The seduction script is just lip service to get sex. He “wants a relationship” may just be mirroring what you have said to be agreeable to get him closer to having sex. He is your soulmate, at last he’s found someone that really really “gets him”, you are not like all those others....you get the idea: shallow lip service is easy and free and will get him sex.

Dating and relationships don’t have rules the way soccer/football or kick ball does. Not playing fair is not going to be punished by an authority. The rules for dating and relationships are your boundaries. You want a relationship really badly but at what cost? Your safety, self esteem, personal dignity all up for grabs? No. Don’t be desperate. Don’t rush. Don’t presume anything (especially that a bloke must be single because he is on a dating website).

You got hurt because you did not do your due diligence in finding out who this bloke really was/is. Guys do not come with a Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.
This may sound like victim blaming, but it is the reality- you need to look out for yourself.

Yes, shame on him. What a bastard. They’re a dime a dozen unfortunately.

I agree with pps who say to tell the wife only so she can make informed decisions regarding her circumstances (sexual health).

Telling her to cause the worthless jackass of a bloke some payback pain is not advisable. First of all, it won’t cause him pain- he will laugh. He has bookshelves full of plausible lies to lay out for his wife.

Second, hating him (wanting revenge) is still a connection to him. The connection is gone, just understand that. Hate will just drain you (emotionally- and stressfully) for no purpose. The holy grail is complete indifference. Like he never existed. His name comes up: who? Oh, whatever. Zero response on your emotions meter. Three months on-you should be there.

Let it go. Do something nice for yourself.

Adora10 you clearlybmissed the bit where she mentioned she can't let them get away with it.