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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am thinking to tell his wife...

153 replies

Anon31483 · 18/10/2018 15:22

Hi all

i was dating a guy who when we met told me he is single two years. I then found out some stuff on twitter and then when i confronted him he told me he is separated and we had a huge argument but he wanted to make up insisting he is separated and thats a thing of the past. Then i found out the truth that he is fully married.

Needless to say, i was mad and i confronted him calling him names and he then finally admitted they had problems. After that i found out he lied to me about other stuff as well like he had given me false zodiac sign and about health issues to to try and get sympathy from me to make up.

This happened on July and since then we dont talk. I am thinking to tell his wife because what happened to me was very unfair. I had just broken up from a relationship when i met him and he told me he was also looking for relationship. I had no idea he had a leverage to turn to, as I had none and he could easily go back to his wife whilst i had nothing. Thats very unfair in my opinion and has been eating me up this period of time

What is more in twitter I had found out a post from 1 month before we met, that his unborn child that will come on September and when i confronted him he said that this was a joke between his cousin and him because they are close and there is no child on the way.

I feel like it was unfair and it has been eating me up because i feel like i was left without anything whilst he had his safety net all along.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 18/10/2018 15:43

I'd tell his wife, I doubt you are the only he's duped.

But, your referring to back up and leverage, frankly don't get what you are on about.

Original poster

Anon31483 · 18/10/2018 15:44

First of all I dunno whats going on with this pregnancy and if she is pregnant as I searched and noone was talking about this friends, family etc.

I dont know his wife, so I can only talk about how I was duped and I have thought about this long. The conclusion I came into is that its extremely unfair to me and its not correct to let him get away with this.

And yes I feel that the fact he had someone already as a safety net in the form of marriage whilst I had noone and looking for a relationship, which he told me he was looking too, extremely unfair to me and playing with my feelings.

OP posts:

Alfiemoon1 · 18/10/2018 15:45

I understand it was unfair on you but u had a lucky escape. If u were to tell his wife who is innocent in all this do it for the right reasons like her getting an sti check not because u are now single with no back up

Adora10 · 18/10/2018 15:45

You are right OP, he took the complete piss, I'd be angry too, tell his wife, kill 2 birds with one stone, might make you feel better.

Original poster

Anon31483 · 18/10/2018 15:46

He lied to me about his date of birth and star sign and also about health issues as i found out later on.

I hope noone comes in this position really. Its a very difficult position to be into.

OP posts:

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 18/10/2018 15:50

It is really not difficult. Regardless of him lying it is over. Stop stalking his friends/family on Facebook. Let it go

Azadewow · 18/10/2018 15:52

I have been on both sides of this being lied to by someone in a relationship, and being the pregnant partner being cheated on....

What u feel is literally nothing in comparison to what she will feel...

U saw red flags, and u continued the relationship believing his bullshit. He was a huge asshole taking advantage of the fact u were vulnerable after ur previous breakup and he sold u a story with what u wanted to hear... While there is no excuse for him, and he is most despicable for doing it... Get a grip woman! 1.U are not the first this has happened to 2.u were just dating him and u feel like this, just try to put urself in his wife's shoes, and imagine how she will feel about the betrayal to the marriage and possibly the unborn child 3.take responsibility for ur own actions that led to this: don't jump into a new relationship after a breakup cause u leave urself vulnerable to be taken advantage by the dickheads out there who will say anything to get in ur pants.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 18/10/2018 15:53

He lied about his zodiac sign?! Holy cow, massive red flag right there, I mean, star signs are some serious shit, OP.

MrsGrindah · 18/10/2018 15:55

He told you he was an Aries but really he was a Bastard

Original poster

Anon31483 · 18/10/2018 15:56

Well in the beginning you certainly don't know the person and you take the leap of faith.

But i did find all this info on twitter, because he also asked me if i had twitter and he wanted to follow me there.

He didnt give red flags, I was generally cautious from my previous experiences and decided to have a look.

OP posts:

DogDayMorning · 18/10/2018 15:56

Get a bloody grip OP. Life is unfair, as most of us learn at a very early age. What you are proposing is bonkers and can only end in more tears -for his wife and for you.

Original poster

Anon31483 · 18/10/2018 15:57

When I asked for his dob he gave me a false one as i found out later on. Apart from other lies of course

OP posts:

Newerversion · 18/10/2018 15:57

Back up and leverage? Are you serious? He is clearly just a cheating twat. This is not about how unfair it was to not tell you he had ‘back up’ it is about the fact he was cheating all along.
You have escaped lightly as you discovered what he was before making any more long term commitment or having a family with him. His poor wife hasn’t escaped so lightly.
If you tell her it should be out of wanting to warn her rather than out of wanting revenge.

Original poster

Anon31483 · 18/10/2018 15:57

To be honest I want to find a way to do this anonymously preferably even not by electronic means

OP posts:

Bombardier25966 · 18/10/2018 15:59

So you still don't give a shit about the hurt you're going to cause his wife?

Original poster

Anon31483 · 18/10/2018 15:59

Everything was wrong anyway but really I am thinking he should just not get away with this.

Ive thought about it again and again and it feels extremely wrong no matter how i see it, it just feels.

OP posts:

DogDayMorning · 18/10/2018 15:59

So you're a coward as well OP. Nice.

Azadewow · 18/10/2018 16:02

This happened in July.. It's now October... Get a fucking grip and move on with ur life woman. The more you post the more selfish, revengeful and off ur head u sound. It doesn't even matter if u tell her, cause if u come off anything like u are here, there is no way she will believe you anyway

Original poster

Anon31483 · 18/10/2018 16:04

I said I want to find a way to do this anonymously. Preferably maybe a letter that will explain stuff.

OP posts:

Tahani · 18/10/2018 16:05

To be honest I want to find a way to do this anonymously preferably even not by electronic means

either own your actions, or dont do it

TinyMarie · 18/10/2018 16:06

I've been in your shoes. I got an STD check and moved on. I couldn't be the one to hurt the woman as I had been hurt and figure in time she will come to realise the w**k stain she is married to. Hurting another woman will not take your hurt and anger away and I personally couldn't do that to a woman who has potentially just had a baby. Yes she probably does deserve to know but if he's that much of a womaniser, he will get caught out. Just walk away.

greendale17 · 18/10/2018 16:06

You are right OP, he took the complete piss, I'd be angry too, tell his wife, kill 2 birds with one stone, might make you feel better.

^This

Original poster

Anon31483 · 18/10/2018 16:08

how did you find out ?

OP posts:

Adora10 · 18/10/2018 16:09

I get your anger, your revenge, think you are getting a lot of harsh replies here, yeah, you should maybe forget the back up and the leverage as that sounds bat crazy but if you honestly want to warn her out of a sense of doing the right thing then do it, I'd want to know if my husband was cheating.

Only tell her if you have concrete proof.

TinyMarie · 18/10/2018 16:10

Social media. He claimed he felt pressured in his past relationship and ended it and then got engaged to her a few months later. He was either a complete liar or weak and either way, I knew I'd had a lucky escape!

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