A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

My DS used to come to stay over occasionally (he went to uni far away) and I often woke in the morning to his two sisters in his bed and them all chatting and laughing and cuddling. They are still really close even now. He is much older than them.

I’m obvs a shit parent

Camel reading other comments you're obviously clouded based on your own experiences. What happened to you is fucking awful, I know that with no idea what happened but raising your sons to believe they aren't safe to be unsupervised around a female is emotional abuse. Because it is abusive to raise children to know that as soon as they're 11/12 they'll likely want to start abusing girls.

Can you link to your sources please camel?

Thanks

shatner why would I need to tell them that? What possible scenario would that conversation come up? You’re just being absurd and pointlessly so. I don’t know if you’ve established this yet or not, but you’re not going to change my mind. So what’s your dog in this race? What’s the point?

I am sorry that your brothers abused you but your extrapolation from that is extreme.

Actually I think most people would understand if you said ‘I experienced harm in this situation so I’m not going to justify it happening to my own children’

Why would that be such a problem? Seriously what is the actual risk here? There is a lot more risk of men entering women’s homes and abusing their kids. Focus on them, rather than protecting the poor man feelz.

I’ve told you my sources. I didn’t study from google

Camel Ah, now we get to something. I am dreadfully sorry your brothers did that to you. It is no wonder you think as you do. But to propagate the idea that what happened to you is more likely than not to happen to your daughter should she be left alone for one moment with your sons is really, really, not healthy.

You do realise that your brother's expression of deep regret is actually total bullshit? No one decides to abuse someone just because they were put in a position to be able to abuse someone. It doesn't work like that and if you've studied this for three years, you know that simply isn't true.

I dread to think what would happen if Camel needed to use a nursery and they had a male member of staff.

Never have I said I wouldn’t leave my sons for ‘one moment’ I said I wouldn’t give them access to my young girl when they are teenagers. So they won’t be in a position of authority over her. This is not a fucking drama

My brothers abused and attacked me for years. One has expressed deep regret because they were put in that position.

I am really sorry that this happened to you but I don't understand what you mean by "put in that position". Does your brother believe it is someone else's fault he abused you?

what

I wouldn’t use a nursery with a male member of staff.

I understand where you are coming from but I worry about my exp gettin a new gf as women can be abusers too. X

I have two brothers. One was more wilfully ignorant of the other one raping, harming, abusing, beating and emotionally destroying me.

He was 16 and could have done something about it and didn’t. He feels regret for that. I don’t spend much time with him

Do you know why I did it and do it camel?

Because my son is a good a decent man who I trust with my life. He is responsible and caring and looks after my kids far far better than their father.

What’s happened to you is terrible but my professional experience is that boys abuse siblings because they themselves were being abused. It’s not a normal state of affairs.

In terms of risk, you need to think of both severity and likelihood. It’s is very severe but incredibly unlikely that your son would abuse a young girl. Whereas it’s both serious and likely that he will be damaged by your attitude.

Talking to your children about appropriate boundaries is a wise and sensible move, but you are (quite understandably) being driven by fear.

Please do go and see a counsellor. This genuinely isn’t meant in a toady way. I’m sure lots of us would think this way if we had been through what you’ve been through, but a lot of people are telling you that your thinking has been harmed by your trauma.

My kids have a great relationship.

Again, I am very sorry for what happened to you but I hope to god you’re not actually a social worker with your attitude to men.

Heard it before. Many times. Women who’s children are abused by men don’t think they’re monsters, they feel the same way you do ff

Not something I am going to risk

Cross post and yes that is fucking awful Camel. It also explains somewhat your extreme view.

But it is still extreme and unhealthy. To look at your 12 Yr old son and know he cannot be trusted to not abuse his 5 Yr old sister isn't good patenting, it's unhealthy and warped because of your experiences.

By your logic surely you need your boys to know their likely predators because they might be left by someone else in a position where they're alone with a child. What about if thry have their own kids? A mate invites them over to watch videos whilst he baby sits but you don't realise there will be no woman present?

My kids have a great relationship too. A great relationship doesn’t have to involve teenage boys looking after little girls

So what’s your dog in this race? What’s the point?

I clearly won't change your thinking, but if no one challenged your statements, there might be people on here who think that your attitude is a normal and healthy viewpoint which, I'm sorry, it isn't. It may be understandable from YOUR personal history, but it simply isn't rational in the wider context.

There is protecting your children and then there is irrational fear. Yours is the latter. If you continue it to its logical extreme, you'd have to have no male teachers, no male GPs, no male surgeons, no male staff in any shop....

I will teach my children consent, show them facts, hope they grow into decent men, I won’t be completely trusting my own judgement because I’ve seen how terribly that can end.

I suggest that anyone who thinks they will have a ‘gut feeling’ about ‘bad men’ reframe their thinking. Unfortunately all men are a risk

So my son is a monster.

Well wow. How offensive are you.

Shatner

Great, so rather than putting forward your own suggestions and advice to the OP tou have spent all morning attacking me.

The worst case scenario in my family is that my boys, when teenagers aren’t asked to babysit (traumatic for them I’m sure) and that’s the hill you want to die on? Seems odd but okay.

the poor man feelz
The more you post this the more ridiculous it sounds. No one has mentioned men being offended. People have mentioned how damaging it is to raise boys to know they're likely paedophile and girls to know no man is trust worthy.

No one disputes being mindful. I wouldn't dispute a meaningful time gap between meeting Mr New and him sleeping over / babysitting etc. I have a friend who brings every new man home to her house with 4 kids within a date or two and she gets through some relationships! I think that is taking unnecessary risk. I don't think leaving my 12 Yr old son and 10 Yr old niece to play together unsupervised is putting her at risk.