A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

Are you actually a social worker?

Do you have a link to that statistic please Camel.

Everything I’ve read says that children can be abused by family friends, peers, relatives, people in authority.

It lists risk factors such as domestic abuse, poverty etc.

It cites that certain children are more at risk eg children in the care system (I guess that may account for the non-bio ‘dad’ aspect you mention?), disabled children or those with learning difficulties.

How do you mitigate against all of that by making your husband sleep on the couch? If he loses his job will he be thrown out as the poverty puts your kids in greater danger?

I would maybe ask yourself, guys, why what I do is of such deep importance to you. If you want to ignore my advice, carry on. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to give it.

Like I said, what you do is what you do. However I recommend at least doing some research before you really formulate an idea of risk

Again. Please do your OWN research. This is not hard. I studied for 3 years and not ‘via google’ maybe have a lookie at the most recent SCR and the NSPCC’s current reports.

So, you wouldn't allow your teenage sons to perhaps, babysit their younger sister, just in case, but you will allow your husband to sleep in a tent with his two young children and a baby, and that husband to leave the two children in that tent on their own for a while in a strange place surrounded by hundreds of strangers.

Hmmm, not quite sure I see your logic Camel

No, not a chance would I allow teenage boys to babysit a young child. Regardless of relation

No, I won’t be leaving my boys as teenagers with my much younger girl. Why would ANYONE do that?
Because it's perfectly reasonable to leave your son with his little sister whilst you pop to the shops. Or go to parents evening etc assuming he's old enough.
It ISN'T normal to raise a kid to believe he can't be trusted alone with his little sister else he'll abuse her. Can you not see how damaging that is??

Teacher: So who helps Mum around the house then? What about you Joey?
Jowy: i do the washing up but I can't babysit, I might rape her. Mum says I can't be trusted. I'm worried about having kids too, what if my wife leaves me alone or expects me to change their nappy when she isn't watching. I think I'll stick to the washing up Miss

I’m not really sure how many of you have been to festivals but you’re hardly on your own in the middle of nowhere in an environment where anyone can comfortably take any clothes off.

I wouldn’t consider that ‘alone’ we went with other families

Oh Lordie- you won’t let your teen sons around younger girls. Presumably you are including cousins and sisters in this too?

It’s just such a terrible view of masculinity you are presenting and I honestly believe it is abusive in and of itself. In order to protect your child from a serious potential abuse you are actually emotionally abusing them. I care because you seem like a nice person who has had a horrible trauma and I think you need support to not allow this to impact your children.

I would maybe ask yourself, guys, why what I do is of such deep importance to you.

Because you were making blanket statements that men should not be trusted around children. EVER. And I think that's dangerous thinking and SHOULD be challenged in the same way someone coming on here and saying all Muslims are terrorists should be challenged.

Some of the comments on this thread are bizarre and disturbing. The view expressed by some here that separated/divorced mothers should not date until their kids are grown up sounds like the sort of thing that the current US government would come out with. And the vicious dismissal of other mothers' experiences and strategies for looking after their kids ... I can only assume that some of the posters here have very little going on in their lives, and turn on other women to get their fix of drama.

sleeping you have made some seriously weird leaps there. I don’t have to explain why I don’t leave my young girl with older boys, I just don’t do it.

God you have some seriously weird thinking.

What if, as a result of your warped thinking - and I'm sorry, it is warped - that your sons do not have a good, close, normal sibling relationship with their sister? That they feel somehow emotionally cut off because your mum harboured thoughts that they might at some time abuse their sister?

For someone whose studied this for three years, I am amazed you can't see the potential damage you are causing in your own family.

My DS was much in demand as a babysitter. He was and is great at it.

But he’s obviously a weirdo paedo because in his job he works with children and sometimes takes their clothes off to do his job.

Ffs.

Shocking awful attitudes and I’m surprised @mnhq are allowing this kind of sweeping generalisation.

Shatner what if your dismissal of facts results in your child being abused?

I know which conclusion I would prefer.

My boys love their sister. Funnily enough we can all spend time together

@ftf I actually reported it earlier and I shall be interested to see what action they take. I have an awful suspicion they will leave it to stand, which is why I actually came on thread and got involved in discussing it.

I’m not really sure how many of you have been to festivals but you’re hardly on your own in the middle of nowhere in an environment where anyone can comfortably take any clothes off. I wouldn’t consider that ‘alone’ we went with other families
Do you know how many rapes there are at festivals, in tents with ther people near by? Yet you selfishly left three vulnerable children alone with a predator for your own comfort.

And not huge leaps. Your husband knows you don't trust him as he may abuse his kids, logic follows you'll raise your boys to know their own failings as future men. That if your 18 ty old son says he can wat h his little sister for an hour you'll tell him no, he can't be trusted and get his 16 Yr old girl cousin instead. What kind of shit mum wouldn't tell her sons they're future likely abusers so they can help protect their own kids from themselves. Perhaps add it in to any wedding speech - congrats but please don't leave your new DH alone with my future grandkids, he can't be trusted

I’ve reported it too

It’s interesting that sweeping generalisations wouldn’t be allowed about black people or Muslims or indeed trans women. But they are about men.

Do you know how many rapes there are at festivals, in tents with ther people near by? Yet you selfishly left three vulnerable children alone with a predator for your own comfort.

Yes. And not only that, but that predator left two of them on their own as well, surrounded by other predators.

My boys love their sister

And at what age will you tell them that they aren't allowed to spend any time on their own with their sister, whom they love, just in case they might abuse her?

@CantankerousCamel
I did do a quick search on the NSPCC site and found this.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/media/1067/how-safe-are-our-children-2018.pdf

The most comprehensive overview of child protection in the UK. They however seem to be missing the data about how dangerous step fathers are.

I am on my phone so may have missed something but did look at the abuse section and there is no breakdown of who committed the abuse.

The abuse of children takes grooming.

Like I said, mitigate your risk. The risk of a bio father is low but not non/existent, be aware of it.

The risk of a boyfriend/step father is high AVOID it all together.

My brothers abused and attacked me for years. One has expressed deep regret because they were put in that position.

There is absolutely no way I would leave a young child in sole charge of a teenage male. No way.