A awkward Question to single mums

[Issy777]

How would you trust meeting another man when you have kids?
This will sound a horrible, uncomfortable question but I recently was witnessed to something my best friend went through a few years back
She was a single mum to her 9 year old daughter, met a guy in a restaurant we went to (a waiter) he was way too fast with her
To leave out the gruesome details, she caught him stroking daughters leg. Was horrific
She's now scared of meeting someone again. I'm in a bad relationship n think I only stay because i have two daughters n I just wouldn't.. couldn't trust another man, not just cos of what happened with bf but because it's something Iv always feared
What if u meet a guy he acts like Prince Charming, u become close so you're ready to introduce him to your child ? How can you trust his intentions? What he'd be capable off?
Just something I want to know as I know it's holding me back I know there's obvious going to be no way of knowing but for instance when and how long would u introduce your dc to new guy?

I had a childminder who looked after mine. If that woman couldn’t keep them then they went to either a friend or my dad.

They asking went to their own dad, who had similar arrangements to me.

At my friends house they might have encountered older siblings, some male and a male partner.

At my dads they might have encountered random friends of his if dad took them out.

If all else failed they went to my aunt and uncle where lived (shock) my uncle.

And that’s before we even get to DSs and their mates who babysat/took them out for sails in cars and out for the day/stayed over at mine.

Really @stressedtiredbuthappy
My parents occasionally generally if nursery is closed or dd ill, or babysitting on a night.
My grandparents one day a week, to save me a small fortune in childcare.
My ex her dad, his mum occasionally babysitting for him and his brother again occasionally babysitting for him.
And my best friend who I’ve known since nursery.

So dds dad, grandparents, great grandparents, uncle and my friend who’s like a auntie to dd.

It's one thing being as paranoid as camel is, but quite another for your kids to be around every tom dick and harry.

Yes peach that's at least 7 people!

Well known people and family members are hardly every Tom Dick and Harry.

You’d have conniptions at a bunch of teenaged girls staying with my DS this weekend then wouldn’t you. Oh dear.

All but my friend are immediate family, but ok @stressedtiredbuthappy.

Ftf you mentioned your children "might" encounter various people where they happen to be . Including your sons mates, as far as I'm concerned that doesn't make them trusted friends and family members.

But kids meet random people every day in everyday life

Yes but you can't help that! You eliminate what risk you can!

So you never leave your kids with their father, their siblings, uncles, grandfathers or any other male relative?

Yes peach that's at least 7 people!
Because both me and my ex have good close relationships with our families. Surely that’s a good thing? Dd gets to see good healthy adult relationships and family members that love and support each other.

I spent time with both sets of grandparents as a child and I cherish those memories and love how close I am to them now.

When you put it like that peach then yes it sounds different, and no I don't leave my daughter with any male relations, not because I don't trust them it's not necessary. She's with me or at nursery 2 days a week or with my mum, my dad is around but doesn't help in a practical way( never did when I was a kid either) and her dad isn't a part of her life as I conceived her via donor sperm. If she did have a dad I'd have no problem leaving her with him but I'd have a massive problem if he then choose to leave her with friends or relatives I didn't know very well.

My comments earlier in this thread centred on a relative of mine who has fella after fella around her kid and the relationships move really quickly and usually come to nothing.

That was the topic I responded to with the opinion that no, I just won't be getting into a relationship while she's young, certainly not a live in one.
Also my mum works loosely in child protection cases and she has some horror stories. Hearing things like that makes you more suspicious.

The trouble is balancing both worlds. Yes, the horror stories are true; but so are the horror stories whereby innocent people are murdered by their colleagues, raped by friends, etc.

Bad things COULD happen at any moment and the point is taking reasonable precautions and living sensibly. Ie, not leaving your child with your new boyfriend who you've known a couple of months, but leaving them with their father, who you've known for ten years. Knowing the signs of abuse and teaching them body rules, but not obsessively asking 'has anyone touched your privates today?'. Letting them go to friends houses to play, checking in with them when they're home, looking out for signs of changes in behaviour but celebrating their friendship if it seems a healthy, positive one.

I was raped not only by my family, but a friend, and hated myself for ages for being 'so stupid'. I believed him when he said his girlfriend was going to be late home. Why was I such an idiot to trust him, let him lock the door? But years later, a friend was coming to stay from the cost, and I really was stuck late at work. When I got home, they'd built a fire in the grate and made me a cup of tea, were setting up a board game and nobody got raped.

There's reasonable caution, and there's extreme reaction to a reasonable fear.

Sorry back on page 20...

I said "I'm not necessarily agreeing with all she says but after her experiences I do blame her one bit." I did, mean "I'm not necessarily agreeing with all she says but after her experiences I do not blame her one bit."

SleepingStandingUp "... I cannot get my head around not trusting your own kids, except obviously for Camel that is massively clouded by her own horrific experiences." But once you have had such an experience how can you just ignore what you think you would do differently. Would you really expect a person who had survived a plane crash to travel by plain again? Or put their child on a plane? They might, r they might not even be willing to go by plane again, would you blame them?

"My sister has one of each, I can't comprehend the damage it would have done him to know he wasn't allowed alone with his little sister in case he absurd her!!"

Ok I can see how that would sound if you told the boy or girl your fears. But that poster did not say she told her kids. My kids went through a phase or being quite aggressive with each other. Guess what I did, I did not leave them alone together. They are better now but because of their own issues, it's important they don't get fighting. It's not about anything sexual at all, it's just they both can get aggressive in different ways, think a lot of sibling rivalry!

What does 🔁 mean?

Monestasi at 'Tue 16-Oct-18 19:13:08' excellent post.

*coast, female friend, OH let her in

But you know. I’d be doing the wrong thing by my kids if I didn’t let them have a relarionship with my dad independent of me. And with their brother.

Rixera "I was raped not only by my family, but a friend, and hated myself for ages for being 'so stupid'." I am so sorry, you were not stupid and rape is NEVER the fault of the person who is targetted.

Rixera 💐

I posted there. Slow internet. Sorry.

Exactly- because you can do reasonable things, and sometimes bad people take advantage. There wasn't anything I could have done. We could have had tea and board games and it all been fine.

I'm doing fine now, it would have been a darn sight easier with some family support and that's the one thing families can control; support and love no matter what. Not intense rules, not desperate precautions, but love and support.

Rixera, what happened to you was awful. I was also nearly raped by my uncle when I was 19, a man I'd loved and trusted all my life and I was in shock for a long time afterwards , I just couldn't believe it.
That's my belief, just because you can eliminate all risk does not mean you don't do everything you can.

Can't

But that doesn’t mean never leaving children with any men ever. That is disproportionate.

Ftf I know that!! Listen if my daughter had a dad no problem her staying with him assuming I'd had a decent relationship with him and knew him. But add his mums boyfriend or one of his mates that he may leave he with?? No
And again if she had a brother 8-10 years older for example? A boy who was also my son that I'd brought up? No problem, wouldn't cross my mind, they'd be an issue.
But his friends? No I don't know them.
Why aren't you getting my point!!

But if you’re leaving your child with their dad, in split situation, you have no legal leg to stand on dictating who they take the child to, who they spend time with when they have the child with them.

And I have no issue with DS friends (he’s a LOT older than 8-10 years older) because I’ve known a lot of them since before DDs were born.